What are Emotional Triggers?

Emotional triggers are intense emotions that are rooted in unresolved hurts from the past. It is an intense emotional reaction in the present that reminds you of a painful experience from the past. Often, we don’t recognize the connection to our past.

Common Types of Emotional Triggers

Emotional triggers are different from everyday stressors. Emotional triggers have deeper roots and extend beyond what’s happening in the moment. For example, someone might feel disproportionately upset during a disagreement, not because of the context of the argument, but because it reactivates feelings of rejection from their past.

The most common types of emotional triggers found in relationships include:

Perceived judgement or criticism:

If this is a trigger for you, you might feel hurt or defensive when receiving feedback, even if it is constructive and meant to help. 

Feeling dismissed or rejected in some way:

When you perceive that you’re being rejected, you feel minimized, not taken seriously, or that you’re being shut down. A trigger like this could come from a person sharing their feelings and not receiving positive acknowledgment from their partner.  

Tone of voice that makes you feel less than:

How something is said is sometimes more powerful than the words. Although it may be unintended, a raised voice, sigh, or sarcastic tone can convey feelings of dismissal, anger, or rejection.

Fear of abandonment:

The fear of being abandoned, or left alone, often stems from past experiences of loss or separation. Here, the person might be anxious or afraid if their partner is late responding to a message/call, or if they are distracted. 

Loss of control:

If a partner makes a decision without consulting you, it could cause a person with this type of trigger to feel anxious. 

Fear of conflict:

If conflict is a trigger for you, you may become overwhelmed by even a slight disagreement. 

Being interrupted: It can seem like a small thing, but it can feel like invalidation to some. People with this trigger feel like “my voice doesn’t matter” or “what I’m saying isn’t important.”

It can be challenging to manage the emotions triggered by these events due to their connection to the past, often stemming from a distant time.

What does it mean to be triggered in a relationship?

A trigger can be defined as a stimulus that evokes a strong reaction or response, often stemming from a past event. 

How to Manage Emotional Triggers 

The first thing to remember about emotional triggers is that they are a common occurrence, though they vary in intensity. We all have a past, and emotional triggers are tied to our past experiences. 

Tips for managing your emotional triggers: 

1. Practice self-awareness: Notice your reactions and identify what triggers them.
   
2. Take a moment and breathe: Pause before responding to avoid reactive behavior.
   
3. Communicate your needs: Use “I feel…” statements instead of blaming your partner.
4. Set boundaries: Communicate what you need. Be okay with saying “no” to something. 
5. Allow your partner in: Educate your partner about your triggers. Work together to come up with solutions on how to manage the triggers.
6. Heal past wounds: Therapy, individual or couples, paired with self-work, can reduce sensitivity to triggers over time.

Identifying Personal Triggers

When you understand the role of triggers in your relationship, you can work on fostering more positive and supportive interactions within it.  

Reflective questions can help you identify your triggers, when they occur, your typical reaction, and how to promote self-care when a trigger arises.

Ask yourself the following questions to help you identify and learn from your triggers:

• What situations tend to bring out intense emotional responses from me?
• Do these situations include specific themes, memories, or experiences?
• What emotions do I feel most often when I feel triggered?
• Does a pattern emerge for what has upset me the most throughout the course of my relationships?
• What happens when I get triggered (both inside and out)?

Emotional Triggers and Attachment Theory

Emotional triggers in relationships can be understood through the lens of attachment theory. According to attachment theory, our relationship with our primary caregiver shapes how we understand the world, ourselves, and others. This continues to follow us well into adulthood, affecting our relationships. 

Anxious Attachment

Core Fear: Abandonment or rejection
Trigger Examples:

• Partner not responding quickly to calls/texts.
• Signs of emotional distance (less affection, shorter conversations).
• Feeling dismissed when expressing needs.

Possible reaction to the trigger: Panic, clinginess, over-calling/texting, criticizing, or spiraling to the conclusion that they are not “good enough”

Avoidant Attachment

Core Fear: Losing independence, autonomy, or being smothered by their partner 

Trigger Examples:

• Partner wants closeness or to progress the relationship. 
• Feeling pressured to open up emotionally.
• Emotions are high, and the partner is being vulnerable.

Possible reaction to the trigger: Withdrawal, shutting down, becoming distant

Disorganized Attachment

Core Fear: Desire for close connection paired with the fear of getting hurt.

Trigger Examples:

• Partner getting “too close” (aka fear of being hurt).
• Partner pulling away (aka fear of abandonment).
• Conflict that feels unsafe or overwhelming.
  

Possible reaction to the trigger: Demonstrating push-pull behaviors, where one moment they are clingy and withdraw the next. Also showing anger or having extreme shutdowns. 

The Role of Therapy

Therapy can give you a toolbox of coping skills that can help you manage and minimize emotional triggers. 

In particular, a therapist can help you:

• Identify the root cause of your trigger: With the help of a therapist, you might connect your trigger to a childhood experience, past relationship, or past trauma. 
• Understand yourself better: Therapy encourages self-awareness. You become better able to see your patterns and then make healthy, lasting change. 
• Gain regulation techniques: You can be more equipped to self-regulate and avoid reactivity. You’ll learn coping strategies, such as mindfulness and deep breathing.   

Through couples therapy, partners can learn to understand each other’s triggers without judgment. The therapist can facilitate difficult conversations and teach empathy-based listening.