Call Us NowYou and your partner had a fight. Maybe it was over something small like laundry on the floor, or a bigger issue involving your in-laws. In the end, apologies are dished out. Even after the fight ends, you’re left feeling upset. What should you do?
How to repair after an argument doesn’t come naturally for most people. Apologizing is a good step, but it isn’t the only one. Every little conflict can alter the relationship. Therefore, more action is required to undo what’s been done.
The Gottman Repair Checklist is an intervention that uses a list of phrases that help couples to de-escalate and become more emotionally regulated. Essentially, it is a powerful argument resolution tool.
The Gottman Repair Checklist recognizes that all couples have conflict and that the happiest couples are those who can face and resolve the conflict together.
What is a repair attempt?
Couples in happy, healthy relationships are constantly repairing. Repairing is less about fixing and more about restoring to a good path. John Gottman calls repair attempts a secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples.
So what exactly is a repair attempt and how can you use them effectively?
Gottman explains that a repair attempt is “any statement or action — silly or otherwise — that prevents negativity from escalating out of control”.
An example of a repair attempt could be using appropriate humor to lighten the mood. In the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide by Gottman & Silver, the authors give the specific example of a couple sticking their tongues out at each other to make the other person laugh.
A repair attempt could be a phrase or expression, or any type of cue — audible, visual, or tactile, or anything that signals to your partner you don’t want the argument to progress. A successful repair attempt doesn’t necessarily end the argument, but it removes the hostility. And the best way to use a repair attempt is to employ it early on, before things get out of hand.
Why do repairs work?
Sometimes, the difference between successful couples and those in turmoil can be the ability to repair. Repairing requires specific skills that often need to be learned.
While making a repair attempt gives you an A for effort, it might not be enough. Repair attempts require a bit more than saying a phrase. The success of a repair attempt depends largely on how well we know our partner and how strong the bond with them is.
Tailor your repair attempts to your partner.
Maybe doing a silly dance is what would work when in conflict with your partner. Or maybe a hug is what would de-escalate the situation. You’ll want your repair attempt to match who they are. Maybe it’s words that go furthest with them.
How do I use a “Repair Checklist”?
The Repair Checklist is a list of phrases organized into 6 different categories:
- I Feel
- Sorry
- Get To Yes
- I Need To Calm Down
- Stop Action!
There are more than 60 phrases listed in the Gottman Repair Checklist. Here are 10 of the most helpful phrases to use as a repair attempt:
- “Let’s compromise here.” (Get To Yes)
- “I don’t feel like you understand me right now.” (I Feel)
- “I see your point.” (I Appreciate)
- “Please give me a minute. I need a break.” (Stop Action!)
- “One thing I admire about you is…” (I Appreciate)
- “I’m feeling defensive. Can you rephrase that?” (I Feel)
- “My reactions were too extreme. I’m sorry.” (Sorry)
- “Can we take a break?” (I Need To Calm Down)
- “This is important to me. Please listen.” (I Need To Calm Down)
- “This is not your problem. This is our problem.” (I Appreciate)
Relationships can be hard…
We can help you understand each other.
How important are repair attempts in a relationship?
Words can be damaging. In the heat of the moment, when we are angry or hurt, we might fire off an insult that we immediately regret saying. After the fact, we insist we did not mean what we said, but the damage was still done. Words can scar a relationship and create distance, hostility, and resentment, among other problems. A repair attempt can stop you from getting to that point, where the argument gets ugly.
Friendship is vital to good repair
It’s important to always be working on the bond between you and your partner. Research suggests that a strong friendship between spouses is invaluable, especially when it comes to alleviating and handling inevitable conflict. Repairing problems in your relationship is less of a challenge when you’re in a loving, trusting relationship, with mutual respect.
Love Maps
Dr. John Gottman’s research led him to create the Sound Relationship House Theory, which details how strong relationships operate. The first level of this theory is all about building what’s known as “Love Maps”. Love Maps are how couples stay curious about one another. The healthiest couples are constantly learning about one another, no matter how long they’ve been together. They ask each other questions so that they can know about their inner world and the little things that make them who they are. Love Maps furthers your connection, strengthens your friendship, and helps you in times of conflict by making your repair attempts more successful.
