Tips to Communicate Better in a Relationship

The importance of communication cannot be stressed enough. Communication is how partners share their thoughts, feelings, and needs with each other.

“It’s all about communication”. Chances are you’ve heard this before, you believe it, and maybe you’ve even said it yourself. You know the importance of communication in any relationship, especially the one with your partner, but do you have the skills to communicate well? Communication isn’t just talking. It can be nonverbal. And how well you communicate includes how good a listener you are. The bottom line is that good communication is not that simple. But the good news is that communication is a skill that can be learned and developed.

The Importance of Good Communication

What does it mean to “communicate well” in a relationship? It involves fully engaging with your partner’s words, paying attention to their physical cues, body language, and emotions, and responding in a way that demonstrates that you understand and care about what they are saying.

Signs of a good communicator:

When listening:

• They are present in the conversation and they pay attention to the person talking 
• They keep their mind clear and open to other points of view

When communicating:

• They are clear and direct in their communication 

Whether they are the ones sharing or listening, a good communicator remains authentic and honest. It’s okay to be emotional as long as emotions don’t stop you from getting your point across or prevent you from hearing your partner. 

On the other end, these are the signs of a poor communicator: 

• Not listening, showing disinterest, or giving in to distractions
• Attacking the other person (aggressively blaming)
• The “listener” is judgmental and filters messages through their own point of view
• Having a hidden agenda – persuading, controlling, etc.
• Being overly emotional – no longer in control of their thoughts, actions, and words

Don’t Try to Read Their Mind

You are not a mind reader (unless you have the power of telepathy). So don’t assume you know what your partner is thinking. This is a common mistake in couples. Mind-reading is one of the ways that communication can break down. Usually, when we mind-read, we make negative assumptions that are worse than reality. 

This goes both ways, of course. So you cannot assume your partner knows what you are thinking or feeling. You cannot expect your partner to know what you need from them without telling them. Sometimes they can anticipate your needs. But more often than not, you will have to clue them in. This doesn’t mean they don’t understand you or that you’re not close enough. It just means they are not inside your very complicated mind.

Instead of trying to read their mind:

Be direct:
Explicably tell your partner what you’re looking for from them – advice, support, affection. Hinting doesn’t count. 

Be vulnerable:
Direct communication is vulnerable, but it’s not easy, but it’s key to true intimacy. Avoiding a guessing game means you’ll avoid disappointment and frustration and they’ll be less confused given a sure path to satisfy you, which is the goal. It’s a win-win. Instead of beating around the bush, your honesty will save that time and deepen your connection. 

Example:
Sarah’s partner comes home from work and doesn’t greet her warmly. Sarah attempts mind-reading and comes to the conclusion that her partner is unhappy with her and possibly their marriage. Sarah wants her partner to kiss her and say “I love you” when they get home. Because her need isn’t met, she then reacts coldly, hoping that her partner will see that she’s upset. This backfires when Sarah’s partner incorrectly reads her mind, thinking that she doesn’t care about him, his stress, or lack of sleep. Thus, the cycle of mind reading continues. 

Instead, Sarah could have expressed to her partner that she was feeling lonely and would like more affection. Her partner could share more about his day or week and what he needs to feel supported. 

Be Aware of Nonverbal Cues

It’s not always about what you say. You can communicate a lot without using words and instead using eye contact, facial expressions, touch, or bodily gestures like crossed arms or a relaxed posture. The way you listen, look, move, and react—tell the person you’re communicating with whether or not you care, if you’re being truthful, and how well you’re listening. When your nonverbal signals match up with the words you’re saying, they increase trust, clarity, and rapport.

Are you slumped in your chair? Is your body facing your partner? Are you distracted by your phone or your surroundings? All of this can tell a great deal about whether or not you’re engaged with your partner. What about your partner’s nonverbal cues? What does it convey? 

Keep in mind that nonverbal cues are not as direct, and this is not an excuse to practice mind-reading. Non-verbal cues can be misinterpreted, and that could cause conflict. Be mindful that your spouse is not a mind reader, and even though non-verbal communication can speak loudly, sometimes the cues are missed, and it might be an opportunity to ask questions so one can clarify.

Remember That You’re on the Same Team

Sometimes we forget that our partner is on our team, especially when in conflict with them. In heated arguments, it can seem more like you’re on opposing sides. But when this happens, you both lose.  Instead, try to adopt the “same team mentality”. Resolving the conflict requires finding a solution that makes you both feel heard, valued, and respected. Recognize that your relationship is bigger than any problem.

Use “I” statements

We know that expressing your feelings is huge. How you do that makes all the difference. While you may be tempted to lead with things like, “You hurt me when” or “You did or didn’t x, y, or z”, this puts the blame on your partner, causing them to be defensive. I statements, on the other hand, focus on sharing your feelings and are less accusatory. For example, instead of saying “You’re always on your phone,”, try, “I feel hurt when you’re always on your phone”. 

Remain Respectful

Conflicts will arise. While you can’t prevent every conflict, you can prevent yourself from acting out of line. Even in the most heated arguments, never resort to insults, ridicule, or cruelty of any kind. Name-calling, passive-aggressive remarks, and the like only hurt your partner and make communication ineffective. Instead,  fight fair, remaining compassionate and respectful. 

Be Open to Feedback

Same team, right? Your partner only wants the best for you; that’s why they’re offering feedback. It’s not because they think they’re better than you. Keep this in mind, and be open to their ideas and suggestions. 

Set Aside Time to Talk

Planning out when to talk might seem unnatural or unnecessary. But whether it’s a sensitive conversation or the time to catch up and connect, you’ll want to set up for success. Think about the following:

• When will you be the least distracted and most engaged? Ie. Some people prefer setting aside time to talk at the end of the day, but others are too tired to be fully present. 
• Are you emotionally available for your partner, or do you need time to process or decompress, i.e., go for a walk?
• Where can you go that will allow you to be comfortable and distraction-free? This is about knowing yourself!

For the most insight, ask your partner the following questions:

• What time of day do we tend to have our best conversations?
• What is a telltale sign that my attention isn’t there?
• What is something I do that tells you I’m truly listening? 
• Show me the face I make when I’m really listening to you attentively.

Practice regular check-ins with your partner based on when you’re both mentally and physically available. This can also help address little things before they grow into bigger problems. 

Work on Being an Active Listener

Active listening is a game-changer. It’s important to understand the difference between hearing and listening, as relationship expert Esther Perel says. When you actively show your partner you’re listening, it validates their experience and their vulnerability. 

If you disagree with what your partner is saying, as hard as it may be, resist interrupting them. You may feel the need to defend yourself or correct something they said. Even if you don’t interrupt, you may be mentally preparing what you will say as your counterargument. When this happens, we’re no longer listening. Fixing this takes a mindset shift. Instead of focusing on being right, try to see that your partner’s perspective is not yours. Respect their uniqueness and try to see where they’re coming from. Wait to give your opinion of what they’ve said until their piece is finished. 

After your partner has shared, instead of moving on to your response, affirm what they’ve said. You could start off by thanking them for sharing. If what they said was particularly emotional or difficult for them, acknowledge that: “I appreciate you sharing that with me. I can see that wasn’t easy for you.”

Offer words of validation. Remember that validating is different from agreeing.

How to give validation:

Reflect

Reflect back on what they’ve said. You’re essentially summarizing what they’ve said. You do this to show you’ve heard them, and to check to see if you’ve understood their point correctly. Example: “I hear you. You’re upset because you feel that I disrespected you when I showed up late.”

Ask questions 

Seek clarification by asking questions. This shows your partner you want to fully understand them, and what they say matters to you. Example: “So you feel that I said that because I don’t care about your feelings, is that right?”

See their perspective 

Show your partner that you’re willing and able to see their point of view. Again, this doesn’t mean you agree with them. Instead, it tells them that what they’ve shared makes sense to you. Example: “I can see why you’d feel upset about x.”

Things That Hurt Communication

Healthy communication strengthens your connection. Focusing on communication is what can maintain a happy couple. Communication, more than anything else, has the ability to heal a struggling relationship. However, many barriers can keep you and your partner from connecting through communication. 

Refusal to compromise 

Relationships require healthy compromise. Compromise is about finding a solution that meets both partners’ needs and desires.  Not being flexible or open to different ideas can lead to power struggles. 

Lack of empathy 

Understanding your partner’s feelings and experiences is critical for good communication. Empathy also boosts intimacy of all kinds. If you refuse to step into your partner’s world, you’re unable to understand them. Lacking empathy results in your partner feeling unheard, unsupported, or even isolated. It can cause them to close off to you in the future.

Harmful nonverbals 

Many people are unaware of the power of nonverbal communication – facial expressions and body language. When you’re not mindful of these things, you can undermine your message, create confusion, or cause your partner to feel unsupported. In addition, pay attention to your tone. 

Playing the blame game 

The opposite of “I statements” is “you statements”, blaming or accusing your partner. Your partner feels attacked, which will escalate the conflict into a fight. The conflict is unlikely to be resolved, and communication is deemed ineffective. 

Be Open to Help

Communication is a skill, so there is always room for improvement. If you and your partner struggle to communicate effectively, couples counseling can make all the difference.  The Couples Center has experienced, trained professionals who can help you identify and address communication problems and provide the tools and skills needed to build a healthier and happier relationship. Check out the 8-week Online Relationship Course focused on building better communication.