Overcoming Sexual Shame

What Is Sexual Shame?

Shame makes us feel unworthy and flawed. Shame can take over completely, riddling us with self-doubt and inadequacy that can impact all aspects of our lives. It’s essential to recognize the distinction between shame and guilt, as they are not the same. Guilt is the feeling that arises after believing you have done something wrong. Shame, on the other hand, is believing that you are bad. 

Sexual shame encompasses feelings of embarrassment, extreme guilt, or unworthiness related to one’s sexual thoughts, desires, behaviors, or identity. 

It can be described as a visceral feeling of disgust and degradation regarding one’s physical body, sexual being, and identity. Sexual shame includes beliefs and feelings of inferiority, inadequacy, and helplessness, resulting in perceiving the self as flawed and defective.

What Does Sexual Shame Look Like?

Feeling embarrassed after masturbating is an example of sexual shame. Another example is believing that your sexual desires are inherently wrong. Victims of sexual abuse or sexual violence feel shame when they internalize blame for the trauma they experienced.  Sexual shame is a common experience that can affect anyone, but it is more common in women and younger people. 

Signs of Sexual Shame

• Detaching or dissociating during sex, and/or afterward feeling emotionally numb or ashamed.  Your mind wandering away from the sexual experience, not feeling connected to your body, and not experiencing physical sensations are all examples of sexual disconnection. 
• Oversexualizing oneself to gain approval, while feeling shame underneath. This is when someone intentionally engages in activities or behaviors to appear more sexually appealing.
• Not being able to enjoy or explore your sexuality. You feel blocked or constrained from gaining pleasure or feeling good about anything related to your sexuality.
• Hiding sexual identity or preferences due to fear of rejection or condemnation. Because of the stigma against sexual minority individuals (e.g., those who identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, or queer), these individuals often try to cover up their true identity. 
• Avoiding relationships or physical intimacy altogether. Some people may choose not to engage in any type of intimate relationship for fear of judgment or rejection. 
• Prioritizing your partner’s satisfaction over your own. If you tend to put your partner’s needs first in intimate situations, it might be coming from a deep-seated belief that their satisfaction matters more than yours. 
• Difficulty saying sexual words/terms: Maybe you didn’t have access to healthy sex education and feel shame around sexual topics. If this is the case,it can be tough to talk about your body or your needs. You might use vague language or euphemisms, like saying “down there” for genitals. Even the word “sex” might be substituted. 
• Extreme discomfort with sexual topics: Shame can make you want to avoid anything that triggers that feeling.. When your shame centers on sex, talking about sexual topics can feel extremely uncomfortable. You might try changing the subject or leaving the conversation entirely. Watching sexual scenes in movies or TV might be something you avoid or have difficulty getting through.
• Believing that sex is wrong or a sin. 

What Causes Sexual Shame?

Sexual shame can develop in different ways, either through cultural, social, psychological, or religious influences. 

Cultural Influences

Cultures set standards for what kind of sexual behavior is deemed appropriate or moral. The media plays a significant role in defining what is considered good or bad. 

The mainstream “rules” or beliefs of many cultures:

• No sex before marriage
• Heterosexual sex only
• Women should remain “pure” and not express sexual desires
• Double standards for gender roles –the same behavior labels men “studs” and women “sluts”
• The media often reinforces idealized bodies, hypersexualization, or shaming of “non-normative” desires.

Religious Influences

Religion often plays a big role in creating sexual shame. Studies show a positive relationship between religiosity and sexual shame.  Many religious traditions have strict codes around purity, modesty, and sexual behavior. For example, many religions promote abstinence and often emphasize sexual purity. 

Religions tend to put certain expectations on women, especially. For example, Christianity, Judaism, and Islam hold the belief that women should cherish their virginity. Many religions, like Christianity, tend to make it hard for women to enjoy or want to enjoy sex. 

Abuse

Abuse, whether it’s physical or emotional, eats away at a person’s sense of safety, security, and confidence—all of which are crucial for a healthy relationship with sexuality. When abuse involves your body or targets your sense of self, it’s easy to start feeling ashamed of who you are and, as a result, feel uncomfortable with intimacy.

Low Self-Esteem

A negative view of oneself can impact how you perceive and engage in sex. Any feelings of unworthiness or poor self-esteem are likely to arise in the bedroom. Psychologists have found a correlation between self-esteem and sexual shame. The bottom line is that a person cannot truly enjoy sex if they do not like who they are. 

Body Image Issues 

Like low self-esteem, body image is closely tied to sexual confidence, and poor self-image can lead to shame around sexuality.

Sexual Trauma

It’s common for survivors of a traumatic sexual experience to feel like they are flawed. Worse, they often blame themselves for what happened, even though it isn’t warranted. Sexual trauma lives deep within the body. Victims of sexual trauma may subconsciously dissociate as a defense mechanism. Even if the traumatic sexual experience happened a while ago, without properly processing and healing, it may continue to impact the person’s sex life. 

Sexual Shame in Relationships

Sexual shame is not only harmful to the individual but also negatively impacts relationships as well. Sexual shame can lead to suppressed sexual desire, anxiety about intimacy, or dissociation during sexual encounters.

How Can You Heal from Sexual Shame?

The first step in breaking the shame cycle is acknowledging that the shame exists and has been wreaking havoc. And, of course, we must want to change.  

Understand the Root of Your Shame

Identify where your shame comes from. Did your sexual shame originate from religious teachings, cultural messages, past experiences, or trauma? Once you understand where your shame originated, you can start to see that it is something you learned. 

Identify and analyze the beliefs that you have internalized. For example, “I am bad for having desires”. It may help to write down these beliefs. Another exercise is to ask yourself what words you associate with sex. 

Talk to Your Partner 

“If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment,” says Dr. Brene Brown. Opening up to your partner about your sexual shame can significantly help the healing process. Being open and honest with your partner allows them to understand what you’re going through and offer support. This type of brave vulnerability can bring you closer together and may improve intimacy. 

Work on Self-Compassion

Self-compassion means treating yourself with kindness and understanding, which can be a powerful tool in overcoming sexual shame. Learning to show yourself empathy can do wonders when it comes to releasing feelings of shame and moving you in the direction of self-acceptance. 

Practice Mindfulness

Sexual shame can often mean disconnecting and dissociating, especially during sexual experiences. Mindfulness is the practice of being present in the moment.  It is the art of paying attention. It’s not about trying to clear your mind. Mindfulness allows any thoughts to come in, but without judgment. 

You can practice mindfulness when washing the dishes, folding the laundry, or driving your car.  These are all opportunities to notice, to tap into the tiny details of life.  To be present, as you feel the hot water on your hands, smell the dish soap, and listen to the sound of the faucet, for example.

Focus on the Body

Trauma and shame are stored in the body. Practices like somatic therapy can help release the shame. While somatic therapy is best with a licensed therapist, you can supplement aspects on your own. You can do a body scan meditation as a way to check in with your body.. Box breathing is another exercise you can do on your own that can help relax and connect you with the present.  Yoga has been found to restore a sense of safety and reconnect the mind and body. 

Educate and Normalize

Seeing how common sexual shame is and that it’s often culturally imposed can be liberating. 

Look for helpful educational media like books, podcasts, and social media pages that promote concepts of sexual liberation (sex positivity) and healthy intimacy. 

Some recommended books:

• Boundaries of Touch by Dr. Jean O’Malley Halley
• Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
• Unlearning Shame by Devon Price
• Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement that Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free by Linda Kay Klein
• The Body Is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor
• Healing Sex by Staci Haines

In addition, try to surround yourself with positive role models, friends, or other people who embrace their sexuality. This exposure can help cultivate a more open and positive attitude, reducing internalized shame.

Get Comfortable with Yourself 

You can slowly work to reclaim pleasure on your own. Learn to love your body. Start by simply looking at it, being naked. Practice mindful self-touch. Start without sensual touching. Once comfortable, you can move to sensual and sexual touch. Work on knowing your body and what feels good. 

Go To Therapy

A therapist can be extremely helpful in addressing any sexual shame you may be holding. A therapist is a third-party expert who will not judge you. A therapist can help you work through your shame and build self-esteem. With the help of a mental health professional, you can explore your past and better understand the source of your sexual shame. Getting to the root of the shame means you can stop internalizing it. Therapy can help you cultivate self-compassion, learn to challenge harmful beliefs, and manage your inner critic.

What About White Lies?

White lies are untruths that are usually well-intentioned. An example would be telling your partner you are on your way when you haven’t left yet. A white lie like this might be told to prevent your partner from getting upset with you. 

White lies are often told to avoid hurting your partner’s feelings. An example of this is telling them you love what they cooked for you, even though you despise mushrooms. 

However, research shows that even small lies can create distance. In addition, they tend to make us feel bad. The next time you feel you should tell an untruth, pause to ask whether it’s really necessary, and what the consequences for telling the truth are. You might find that the reward for being truthful is actually more beneficial.  

Recognizing the Signs of Dishonesty in a Relationship

It’s not usually one thing that signals lying, but a pattern of behavior. 

• Inconsistencies in their story: One of the biggest indicators of lying is details that shift and change.  These are often small contradictions, changing timelines, or minor details that don’t align with the facts. 
• Increased defensiveness: Lying makes people on edge. They can feel like they need to defend themselves even when they’re not being provoked. Neutral questions can make them angry. Instead of answering questions, they make accusations or resort to name-calling to try to turn it on you. 
• Secrecy: Keep in mind that privacy is healthy. Secrets are not. Deception might surface in their behavior around their devices. For example, they might not leave their phone out, take calls in another room, or change passwords that you once shared.
• Gut-Feeling: Sometimes you simply feel a shift. You can tell that something is off.  It’s hard to deny your gut when it’s warning you, especially when it’s combined with observable behaviors like decreased intimacy, increased anxiety, over-explaining, or general emotional distance.

How to Recover from a Pattern of Lying in a Relationship

It is possible to recover from the damage done by lying in the relationship. However, it requires significant commitment from both partners. It will involve taking full ownership of all past lies without shifting blame elsewhere. It will require more than apologies and insight for the relationship to heal. 

1. Take Responsibility 

The partner (or partners) who lied must first acknowledge and admit to the pattern of lying. 

What taking responsibility looks like:

• Apologizing or explaining without justifying your actions 
• Hearing out the wronged partner and offering validation and empathy
• Committing to openness, honesty, and transparency in the future

2. Understand The Why

There’s usually a purpose behind the lies. Understanding why the lying happened can help prevent it from recurring. 

Possible reasons for lying:

• Fear of negative reaction, like judgment or rejection 
• Avoiding uncomfortable feelings: conflict or embarrassment
• Low self-esteem 
• General pattern or avoidance 

3. Lead With Honesty

It’s not easy to be open and honest, especially in a direct but gentle way. Transparency will help your partner trust you. Keeping things inside is a burden on you, too. Being honest will reduce your stress and anxiety. Transparency doesn’t mean giving up your autonomy. It’s about cultivating intimacy and mutual respect. 

Ways to be more transparent include:

• Sharing without being asked 
• Being open about difficult things 
• Taking accountability for your behavior, instead of being evasive or defensive  

4. Follow Through 

You can only build back trust when words match behavior consistently. 

Consistent behavior means:

• Promises are kept 
• Apologies are not empty but result in change
• Communication is regular, open, and honest 
• If there’s regression, it’s acknowledged and discussed 

5. Improve Your Communication 

Poor communication is a big reason why lying happens in the first place. Better communication skills make honesty feel safer. Without strong communication, people are more likely to develop avoidance behaviors, such as lying. The goal is to be able to handle the truth without harming the relationship. 

How to improve communication:

• Start with vulnerability, not accusation. Use “I” statements.
• Increase validation by acknowledging your partner’s experience 
• Make repair attempts