In addition to shock, you might be feeling some anger. You might be wondering why they aren’t doing their job – helping you fix the marriage. Perhaps you feel like they’re crossing a line. Let’s review the role of a therapist, look at your relationship from a different perspective, and then decide on the best course of action.

A therapist’s role

Therapists, in general, refrain from giving direct advice. They serve more as a guide, helping you sort through your own thoughts and feelings. The client is the one in the driver’s seat, making decisions. A therapist’s job, as it relates to you and your husband, is to provide clarity to the relationship, helping you shine a new light on the dynamic. It’s also important to remember that a therapist is not responsible for saving your marriage.

Why would a therapist advise you to leave your husband?

First and foremost, therapists have a duty to act in your best interest. So if the relationship is deemed unsafe for example, the therapist will help get you the necessary resources and they might also advise you to leave. They have an ethical responsibility to speak up if physical abuse is reported. Of course, physical abuse is a more obvious reason why a therapist might tell you to leave your husband, but there are other reasons as well.

So while they typically avoid doing so, depending on the dynamic described a therapist might suggest that you leave your husband. The following are situations where a therapist could advise that you exit the relationship.

Reasons a therapist might advise leaving your husband:

• Abuse
  Abuse in any form should not be tolerated. Whether it’s physical, emotional, or sexual, it’s best you get away from that. And if children are the focus of the abuse, even more reason to leave him.
• Control
  Does your husband attempt to control where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear, eat, etc.? Extreme control such as this can lead to abuse.
• Addiction
  Does your partner have a long history of addiction? If so, it will surely deepen any already existing cracks in your marriage. Addiction can cause your husband to behave in ways counter to who he really is. And if abusive tendencies show up, this may be grounds to exit the marriage.
• Infidelity without remorse or responsibility.
  Cheating is a serious injury to a marriage, causing more than half of couples to divorce. Although it’s possible to overcome, there are a few red flags to look for if your husband has cheated:
  • No remorse
  • Endless excuses as to why they cheated (Not willing to take responsibility)
  • Lack of apology
  • Failure to recognize the pain they’ve caused
• Repeated Infidelities
  One infidelity is not grounds for divorce, especially if the red flags previously mentioned weren’t present. However, reocurring infidelities or a long-lasting affair are a different story and can be considered emotional abuse.
• Untreated mental illness
  Mental illness is very common, and things like anxiety and depressions affect millions of adults in the US. However, mental illnesses, if left unchecked can have very serious impacts on the individual as well as their partner. If your husband fails to get treatment for their mental illness it can manifest into addiction, abuse, or any of the reasons before mentioned.

Was your therapist overstepping?

On the other hand, a therapist shouldn’t suggest you leave your husband if the issue is one that can be worked on. Most issues can be worked on if the commitment is there. A good therapist knows that even mentioning divorce could steer you in that direction. If you and your husband are willing to work on the relationship, a therapist should do everything in their power to facilitate growth and positive change. Even when clients ask the therapist directly, “should we get a divorce?” most therapists will avoid giving an answer. Instead, they might redirect by asking the client questions.  

Whether you choose to leave your husband is your decision, regardless of what your therapist says. Keep in mind that your therapist is painting a picture based on what you are telling them and that alone. They may be missing some crucial pieces.

If your therapist suggested you leave your husband because of one of the following, it may be time to consider a new therapist. These are undoubtedly real problems in a marriage but they don’t have to result in divorce as long as both people want to make it work. Couples therapy can help with any of these issues.

3 marriage problems that shouldn’t be grounds for divorce 

1) Infidelity

Infidelity is a top reason for divorce, but it doesn’t have to mean the end of your marriage. In fact, it’s possible to build an even stronger relationship after infidelity. 

2) Intimacy issues  

Intimacy issues in marriages and long-term relationships are more common than people think. Sex can be a hard topic to talk about. But communication is necessary for improvement. A sex counselor or sex coach can help!

3) Cyclical arguments

Revisiting the same fight over and over again is frustrating at best. But it is possible to break free from the pattern causing damage to your relationship.  

You’re in control

Deciding to leave your partner is massive and life changing for you, your partner, and possibility others. If your therapist does recommend you leave your husband, it’s not said lightly. There had to have been serious reasons that led them to this conclusion. After being presented with the facts from you, they must see leaving as your best option.

Look at your relationship from their perspective, as an outsider. If presented only with the facts, how does your relationship appear?

 Ask yourself the following:

•       Is the relationship repairable?
•       Is the relationship dangerous?
•       Do you want to make it work?
•       Does your husband want to make it work?

The answers to these questions can help to steer you in the right direction. Remember, it is your relationship, and you have the power to make the decision that is best for you.