Your husband yells, and he yells at you. Perhaps this is a new thing, or maybe it’s been happening for some time now. You don’t know exactly why it happens but you know it doesn’t feel good. It can feel downright scary.

Is Yelling Normal in a Marriage?

Yelling at your partner isn’t considered normal behavior. One-offs do happen. However, yelling is not a regular occurrence in healthy relationships.

Conflict, on the other hand, is normal and to be expected in long-term, romantic relationships. But when it comes to “normal”, aka what your average couple should experience the type of conflict is key here. Not all conflict, arguments, fighting, (whatever you label it) is the same. There is healthy conflict – disagreeing but being open to the person’s perspective, hearing them out, not judging them, repairing (connecting) after the conflict. Unhealthy conflict involves disrespect. Yelling falls into that category.

Is Yelling a Red Flag?

Yelling is considered a red flag in a relationship. Yelling often means there are deep, unresolved issues. Your husband may have problems controlling their anger. Their yelling could be a sign that they do not know how to communicate productively. It could also mean they struggle with emotional regulation. Yelling could also indicate emotional abuse.

What are the Effects of Being Yelled At?

Being yelled at has significant effects on both the body and the brain.

What Happens to Your Brain When Being Yelled At:

• The Amygdala Is Activated.

This means the brain is identifying a perceived danger. The amygdala is very sensitive to potential threats.

• Cortisol Is Released.

The stress hormone cortisol is released when the amygdala is activated, leading to physical changes like increased heart rate and muscle tension.

• The Prefrontal Cortex Becomes Less Active

This part of the brain is responsible for logical thinking. It can become less active when under stress, making it harder to reason or calmly assess a situation. We refer to this as “flooding”.

• The Fight Or Flight Response Is Triggered

The survival mechanism known as “fight or flight” occurs, causing physiological changes such as increased heart rate, rapid breathing, dilated pupils, tense muscles, and the release of adrenaline.

Unsurprisingly, being yelled at increases stress. Exposure to chronic or repeated yelling can wreak havoc on one’s mental health, hurting their self-esteem and/or increasing the risk of anxiety or depression.

Yelling is also stressful for the yellers themselves. Yelling can trigger a stress response in the brain, inhibiting emotional and logical functions over time.

Why He Might Be Yelling

There’s really no justified reason for why your husband is yelling at you. However, it’s helpful to understand the reasoning behind the yelling so that it can be stopped.

External Stressors

He may be dealing with stress outside of your relationship. He could be overwhelmed by work pressures or burdened by financial tension. They could feel generally overrun by responsibilities. This could be why he’s quick to raise his voice, one more thing on his plate that causes even a little stress results in not just an overflow, but a volcanic eruption.

Poor Communication Skills

Although not effective, yelling may be your husband’s way of getting his point across. He may not have learned how to communicate in a calm or productive manner. Sometimes people think that a louder volume helps stress the message, and makes it more clear. If he feels like you are not listening or understanding what he’s trying to say, he may yell as a way to get your attention and acknowledge his point of view.

Lack of Emotional Regulation

He may have trouble managing his emotions. In this case, he’s struggling to control his anger and/or frustration. Without better coping skills, he’s quick to raise his voice when expressing himself. If he cannot regulate big feelings, it means he reacts in the moment. He’s impulsive which results in yelling. He probably doesn’t intend to react so negatively, but he lacks control.

Unresolved Issues in the Relationship

Your husband could be yelling because of unresolved conflict between the two of you. Over time, issues that haven’t been worked out (even small things) build up and can turn into resentment. This is also true if certain needs have remained unmet for a period of time. Because of this, his frustration explodes during arguments.

Learned Behavior

Unfortunately, he may have grown up with this type of behavior. Yelling may have been modeled for him by the adult in the home. Therefore, he learned this is an acceptable type of behavior. Because this is what he became used to, he may not realize the harmful effects.

Trauma

If your husband has experienced trauma or been exposed to verbal abuse in the past, they may be repeating that behavior without even realizing it. He may have been repeatedly yelled at as a child or been a victim of verbal abuse in an adult relationship.

Mental Health Issues

Mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder (and more) can contribute to emotional outbursts, like yelling. Irritability is a big symptom. So if someone is struggling with mental health issues, it might not take much for them to raise their voice in frustration.

Control

Some people use yelling as a way to control or dominate the situation. If control is what he’s after, yelling may be a tool for them to assert their power over you.

Insecurity

If he feels insecure about the relationship his yelling could be rooted in anxiety. He may fear losing you, being abandoned, or being rejected. Instead of being vulnerable and sharing these feelings with you, it comes out as frustrated outbursts.

Emotional Abuse

In certain instances, yelling is used to intimidate or pressure the other person so that they will comply. This could be part of a pattern of emotional manipulation or abuse.

How To Respond

Addressing and responding to your partner’s yelling can be challenging. Key to this is trying to handle the situation in a way that promotes understanding and resolution.

Remain Calm

Although his yelling could set you off, the number one rule is to not feed the fire. In other words, do not yell back. That may be easier said than done. But a yelling match isn’t bound to get you anywhere good.

If you feel yourself getting upset, take a deep breath and pause before responding. Take a break if you need to. Tell him you need a few minutes before you can return to the conversation.

Set Boundaries

It’s important to set clear boundaries. Calmly, but firmly let him know that you cannot engage with him when he’s yelling. You can say, “I want to talk to you about this, but I can’t do that when you’re yelling. Can we please take a minute to both calm down?”

Tell Him How it Impacts You

Be honest about how you feel when he yells. If you feel hurt and disrespected when he yells, tell him. Try to use “I” statements versus starting sentences with “you. For example, “I feel anxious and unable to think when the conversation escalates”. This approach allows you to have a conversation and gets him to think about the impact of his yelling. On the other hand, saying something like “You always yell” is more likely to put him on the defense and could further escalate him.

Practice Active Listening

True listening is much more than just hearing words. It’s about being intentional and making your effort apparent so that your partner feels understood. If he feels truly heard he may stop yelling.

Tips for active listening:

• When your partner talks, lean in and make eye contact. Be aware of your body language. Make sure it’s open (ie. avoid crossing your arms).
• Refrain from preparing your response or offering advice. Focus on what they have to say. Affirm and validate them. Ask open-ended questions to learn more

Encourage Healthy Communication

In addition to modeling that for him, it might mean getting creative. If communication doesn’t come easy for your husband, you could explore other ways he can productively communicate with you. You could suggest he write down what he wants to say. Be mindful of the environment – is it conducive to a calm conversation? Pay attention to your body language – is it accepting or dismissive?

When to Seek Help

Repeated yelling in a relationship is unhealthy for you, for them, and the relationship as a whole. Find support.

Couples Therapy

Yelling is never a good solution. Uncovering the reasons behind the behavior and addressing it can be challenging but can make all the difference. You don’t have to go through it alone. An experienced therapist can support you and give you the tools necessary to make your relationship better.

Individual Therapy

One-on-one therapy can help anyone better understand their own behaviors on a deeper level. The yeller likely has deep-rooted anger. A therapist can help them uncover where it comes from and then work on processing it.

Individual therapy is a good idea for the person being yelled at, especially given the negative impacts of yelling. It’s important to take care of your own emotional well-being. In addition to caring for your physical body, your mental health is crucial.

Escalation to Abuse

Yelling can sometimes be a gateway to verbal or even physical abuse. It’s always okay to ask for help, especially when your well-being is affected. If you feel threatened or if your safety is at risk, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Call 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)