When to Take a Break in a Marriage

Taking a break in marriage is a difficult decision. When you hear someone say, “We’re on a break,” you may be inclined to think the worst. Ideas about breakups, separations, and divorces are likely to come to mind. While taking a break is a serious step, it does not always signal the end of a partnership.

Time to work through the challenges you are facing is an important precursor to a break. Ask yourself and your partner whether you have explored other avenues. Have you sought outside help, tried to break patterns, and been as honest as possible with one another? If you have not, trying these first can help. If you have and are still feeling stuck, a break may be an option.

A break in marriage is an opportunity to get out of the cycles you have created with your partner and examine them from a distance. It is possible for time and space to be a conduit for you to come back stronger than before. It is also possible to use uncertainty as a catalyst for change and growth. Keep reading to find out more about what breaks mean, when to take one, and tips for making your break as healthy as possible.

What Does It Mean to Take a Break in Marriage?

The central purpose of taking a break in marriage is to have time away for reflection. You are making room to miss your partner and take stock of the dynamics that have become ingrained in your relationship. Depending on your situation, this can look several ways. You might stay in a shared home but commit to spending more time apart (i.e. going away for a week or scheduling time with friends). Alternatively, you might move out in order to have greater separation for a period of time.

There are multiple underlying reasons for taking a break in marriage. One is to create space to rest and engage in self-care. You and your partner may feel that you need time apart in order to prioritize yourselves. Factors such as extended travel or stress in other areas of life (i.e. at work or with family members) can prompt this type of break. Pausing due to a desire to handle responsibilities and reaffirm individuality is intended to benefit your connection in the long run.

A break centered around the above typically does not lead to a breakup. It is a joint decision based on what is best for both partners. If you and your partner are overwhelmed, taking a break in marriage could be what you need to return to each other refreshed. This can last anywhere from several days to several weeks. It is important to set expectations, boundaries, and time limits when implementing a rest and self-care break.

You might also take a break in marriage due to challenges in your dynamic with your partner. This type of break is intended to help you see your situation clearly and evaluate the state of your relationship. You and your partner may be unsure whether or not you want to stay together. You may need time after a betrayal in the relationship, a period of increased conflict, or a loss of excitement and passion.

Although taking a break in marriage due to relational challenges is more likely to lead to separation, it is not inevitable. Approaching a break with an open mind will give you an opportunity to get curious about where you are. Starting or continuing individual therapy sessions can aid you in taking a closer look at your roles in the partnership and in deciding how to best move forward.

When to Take a Break in Marriage

When You Are Mutually Overwhelmed

In a long-term relationship or marriage, there are times when your capacity will be lower. Taking a break can be useful if you and your partner are experiencing these moments simultaneously. This does not mean that you stop supporting one another. Rather, it means that you grant each other the space you need to tend to pressing areas of your lives.

When You Have Lost Sight of Yourself

Maintaining your sense of individuality is part of what keeps a marriage exciting. You are two separate people who have committed to moving through life together. If you and your partner notice yourselves becoming too enmeshed, a break may be in order. There is flexibility in deciding what this looks like. It might mean spending time apart or making a commitment to engaging in separate hobbies and friendships.

When You Feel Stuck in Conflict

Taking a break in marriage is commonly born from increased conflict. Conflict patterns and cycles arise in relationships due to our past experiences, attachment styles, and natural ways of approaching situations. Being stuck in an unhelpful conflict pattern (i.e. you pursue and your partner withdraws) for an extended period of time can make a new approach feel impossible.

Time to cool off and evaluate the situation helps you come back to issues from a grounded place. A break may help you move toward more fulfilling solutions. Speaking with a couples therapist during this time adds to your ability to consider what drives the way conflict is handled in your marriage.

When You Feel Indifferent

Indifference can be just as damaging as being stuck in conflict. It signals that you and your partner may be avoiding conflict or pushing issues aside. You might find yourself caring less about spending time together, asking about one another’s thoughts and feelings, and keeping the “spark” alive. You start taking one another for granted. A break can introduce novelty back into the mix, allowing you both to remember why you fell in love in the first place

When You Are Questioning Your Relationship

Consistent dissatisfaction in a marriage can lead you to consider taking a break. Perhaps one or both of you feel your needs going unmet for long periods of time. Perhaps you have grown apart and are unsure if you can bridge the gap. A break is an opportunity to explore these areas and gain clarity on questions surrounding the relationship. An agreement to use the time to reflect assists both of you in coming to a greater understanding of if you want to consider separating or how your connection might shift in the future.

Tips for Taking a Break in Marriage

Establish Boundaries

As covered above, taking a break in marriage can mean several different things. Asking questions and establishing boundaries around the break is more beneficial than making assumptions about how your partner views it. These conversations ensure that you are both on the same page throughout the process. Several points to discuss include:

• How long will the break last?
• Will we communicate during the break? How much and in what ways?
• What do you see as the purpose of the break?
• What do you hope to gain a better understanding of through taking a break?
• Are we open to seeing other people during the break or are we monogamous?

Affirm Your Commitment

Misunderstandings around what taking a break entails are often shown in the media. You may have seen couples depicted violating the parameters of the relationship and later stating, “We were on a break!” Affirming your commitment to one another and to your connection can help you avoid these situations. This does not necessarily mean that you will remain monogamous or choose not to see other people. It means that, whatever you and your partner decide, it is a joint choice intended to support the wellbeing of everyone involved.

Gather Your Support System

Having supportive friends and loved ones to lean on boosts your emotional health during a break. Your support system can help you process challenging feelings and sit with the discomfort of uncertainty. Enlisting a trained therapist is another way of building a support system. A professional who specializes in couples work and/or individual work around relationships will be able to hold space for the nuance of your situation.

Use the Time Wisely

It’s easy to get wrapped up in the anxiety that can come with taking a break in marriage. However, spinning out and becoming stuck in worst case scenario thought loops does not lend itself to doing your emotional work. Using the time to explore your emotions, examine relational patterns, and become more grounded in your wants and needs is what makes a break effective. Regardless of the outcome, reflection will provide a better understanding of who you are on your own and who you desire to be in connection with your partner.

Allow Your Feelings

There are a range of emotions that are likely to come up during this time. You might feel upset about taking a break in marriage, worried about what the future holds, or even relieved to have time to focus on yourself. Practicing allowance and acceptance of all that comes up is a pillar of mental wellbeing. Even when it’s challenging, making space for your emotions brings you closer to your intuition and core desires. You and your partner will then be able to come back to the relationship with a more solid sense of where you stand with one another.

Taking a break in marriage requires a number of complex considerations. Whether it’s due to outside stress or difficulties in the relationship itself, time apart leads to discoveries about your connection. Staying grounded through outside support and professional assistance can be an important part of the process. When you and your partner are ready to come back together, additional couples sessions can help you make important decisions and steer your connection in the direction you’d like to see.