What Is Gaslighting In a Relationship?
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What Is Gaslighting in a Relationship?
Gaslighting is a term popularized by the 1940’s film Gaslight. In this film, one unhealthy partner undermines and confuses the other. The mechanisms, effects, and warning signs of modern gaslighting in a relationship are explored below.
How Gaslighting in a Relationship Works
A partner who engages in gaslighting does so to gain power and control over you. This happens by convincing you that you are remembering things wrong or that you are “crazy.” Gaslighting in a relationship is a form of manipulation where the partner who is doing it positions their thoughts, feelings, and perspectives as the ultimate truth.
You feel as though you have little agency when you are exposed to gaslighting in a relationship. The dynamics are based in the partner who gaslights being above you rather than establishing and maintaining equanimity. Gaslighting is, in some situations, used in tandem with other abuse tactics. The health of your relationship and your perceived ability to set boundaries or leave declines the longer gaslighting and/or abuse are present.
How Gaslighting Affects a Relationship
Gaslighting is harmful regardless of root causes or intentions. A few common effects of gaslighting in a relationship are:
Schedule Check-Ins with Your Partner
Trust is Lost
At the beginning of your relationship, you likely developed a sense of trust with your partner. You may have felt as though you could go to them with anything, and that they relied on you in return. The trust that was established over time is lost once gaslighting emerges. Going to your partner with your emotions and concerns now evokes fear rather than relief.
The erasure of trust due to gaslighting in a relationship is not instantaneous – it happens over time. When you first start hearing statements like, “That’s not how it happened,” or, “Stop overreacting,” you may brush them off as a rough patch with your partner. It is when these statements are repeated over and over that the trust in your relationship declines through hundreds of small wounds.
There are Patterns of Enmeshment
Enmeshment is commonly defined as an excessive reliance on your partner at a mental, emotional, psychological, and/or physical level. In a relationship where gaslighting is present, this may look like your partner’s mood determining your mood. You may feel like you need to self-abandon in an attempt to make your partner happy so that you can be comfortable.
Although healing patterns of enmeshment is in part your responsibility, note that they do not arise because you are fundamentally flawed or broken. It is natural to want to avoid your partner’s challenging emotions when those emotions are coupled with gaslighting or abuse. You may also come to feel responsible for keeping up contentment in the relationship. Rewriting these narratives is a component of expanding your capacity to have healthy intimacy in the future.
It Feels Impossible to Leave
Gaslighting takes a toll on your self-esteem. You may feel unwanted or as though you do not deserve healthy love. You may believe that your current partner is the best you can do, even if they have shown that they are unwilling to take accountability for their behavior. You may also believe that things will improve if you are able to hang on just a little longer.
Improvement in a relationship where gaslighting is involved takes conscious effort from both parties. Your partner must be truly wanting and willing to change. There is no way to convince them to treat you differently if that is not where they are in their process. Feeling stuck or trapped is human in the face of gaslighting, however it does not have to be your permanent reality. Options for help are available.
Warning Signs of Gaslighting
Although the content of gaslighting often varies from relationship to relationship, the warning signs are similar. Several items to watch out for when you find yourself asking “What is gaslighting in a relationship?” or “Am I experiencing gaslighting?” include:
You’re Walking on Eggshells
The feeling that you are walking on eggshells, or that you have to be cautious about what you say and do, is one of the main signs that gaslighting is at play. A partner who is engaging in gaslighting is usually unpredictable in their responses. In one moment they may seem sweet, loving, and receptive. In the next moment they may be criticizing you or denying your reality.
Inconsistency is harmful to relationships. There is no way to adjust your behavior that will cause your partner to stop gaslighting you. Their ability to change is dependent on their internal work. However, it is natural to want your partner to show up, and you may try to manage their responses. This leaves you confused, on edge, and unable to bring your full self to the table.
Your Partner Twists the Story
Before experiencing gaslighting, you likely felt confident in your version of events. When your partner is gaslighting you, you find yourself wondering if you are seeing things clearly. What you thought to be true is twisted around to fit your partner’s perspective, needs, and agenda. It is common to feel as though you are unheard and that your side of the story is insignificant.
Feeling “crazy” is a byproduct of being dismissed by your partner. They may even tell you directly that you are remembering it all wrong or that you cannot be trusted. The sense of powerlessness that stems from hearing these phrases over and over is one way a partner who gaslights maintains control. If you don’t believe you are credible, then you will be more susceptible to manipulation.
Your Partner Shuts You Down
Refusing to discuss a topic further is a hallmark of gaslighting. One of the goals of gaslighting is for you to buy into the gaslighter’s reality, and deep discussion is often counter to this. You may be on the receiving end of being shut down or your partner stonewalling you. This essentially means you are given the silent treatment when they decide the conversation is over.
Your Partner Shuts You Down
Refusing to discuss a topic further is a hallmark of gaslighting. One of the goals of gaslighting is for you to buy into the gaslighter’s reality, and deep discussion is often counter to this. You may be on the receiving end of being shut down or your partner stonewalling you. This essentially means you are given the silent treatment when they decide the conversation is over.
Being shut down is painful. It can leave you questioning what you did wrong and feeling responsible for your partner’s reaction. Keep in mind that it is your partner’s role to acknowledge their withdrawal and come back into the conversation. If they are consistently unable to do this, shifting these behaviors and moving away from gaslighting will not be possible. It is important that you seek help if you are frequently being gaslit and/or abused.
You Doubt Yourself
Being exposed to gaslighting for long enough causes you to internalize its impacts. Gaslighting in a relationship leads to doubts that may stop you from speaking up at all. Knowing there is a possibility you won’t be validated makes you hold your wants, experiences, and opinions back from your partner. Your relationship grows distant through this persistent sense of disconnection.
Additionally, doubting yourself can show up in other areas of your life. You may be less confident about your abilities at work or in social situations. You may decide to cast long held goals aside due to a looming feeling of not being good enough. Unpacking and putting an end to gaslighting extends beyond building a healthy, stable relationship with a partner. There are also direct impacts on your ability to be self-assured and fulfilled in your connection with yourself.
You Feel Isolated
A partner who engages in gaslighting or other forms of abuse typically does not behave this way with everyone they know. They may present as charming, personable, and earnest around close others. You may worry that friends and loved ones will not believe your experience. You come to feel isolated by way of being afraid to share what is really going on for you.
It is also possible that your partner will say negative things about friends and loved ones in order to isolate you. The less outside contact you have, the more likely you are to buy into gaslighting tactics. Your partner may call people you care about “out of touch with reality” or make other harmful statements about their character. Of course you want to believe your partner has your best interests at heart! However, diminishing your social connections is counter to creating a safe relationship.
You’ve Lost Your Sense of Self
When gaslighting in a relationship goes on for long enough, you may begin to feel as though you don’t even know who you are anymore. All of the above items come together and turn you into someone you don’t recognize. Without intervention, your partner continues to add to these negative changes as they vie for more power and control.
A healthy relationship doesn’t drain you. The work that is done in healthy relationships leads to greater attunement, understanding, and respect for one another. Finding that your relationship leaves you depleted and hopeless on a regular basis is a sign that something is amiss. Doing research, evaluating where you both are, and seeking help are steps toward healing from the damage that gaslighting causes.
Why Is Gaslighting in a Relationship so Damaging?
The mental health effects of being consistently exposed to gaslighting can be disruptive to your life. For example, you may see a rise in anxiety and depression. Confusion is likely to bring up feelings of worry, upset, and cognitive dissonance about what is real. Self-doubt is likely to bring up feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, and being stuck in your relationship. This type of anxiety and depression makes it difficult to function and be present in your day-to-day life.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is also linked to gaslighting in a relationship. Being emotionally abused while you are simultaneously feeling isolated and alone is a recipe for your brain storing these experiences as trauma. Symptoms of unaddressed trauma or PTSD include emotional dysregulation, hypervigilance, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, and physical symptoms such as muscle tension or chronic pain.
The above mental health concerns can cause difficulty building healthy relationships following one where gaslighting is involved. Your mind, body, and nervous system makes assumptions about what will occur based on past patterns. If you have grown accustomed to unhealthy behaviors, then you will be more likely to expect and accept these behaviors from others. Working with a licensed therapist to explore your conditioning and redefine your hopes for future connections aids in undoing the damage of gaslighting.
Seeking Professional Help
Wondering “What is gaslighting in a relationship?” and/or having an inkling that gaslighting is part of your relationship often means that it is time to seek professional help. A licensed therapist who is knowledgeable about gaslighting, relationships, behavior patterns, and the cycle of abuse will be able to hold space for your experiences. Attending one-on-one sessions can allow you to gain insight into where your current relationship stands and to identify the best next steps.
If you are considering attending couples therapy with a partner who engages in gaslighting, it is important that they are truly ready for accountability and change. Couples therapy with a partner who gravitates toward emotional abuse tactics and is not willing to acknowledge their behaviors is unhelpful. In some situations, it can even make the abuse worse. Reaching out to resources, talking about these concerns with your individual therapist, and reading about healthy versus unhealthy relationships is a way of ensuring you are making the most informed choice for yourself.
Learning about gaslighting can be jarring and upsetting. Remember that you are not alone. There are people out there who want to help, and there is hope for building satisfying relationships moving forward.
