How to know if someone is emotionally cheating

Emotional affairs can be harder to detect. Emotional cheating isn’t as black and white. It can be trickier to know when the line has been crossed into cheating territory.

How can you differentiate emotional cheating from platonic friendship?

Both platonic friendship and emotional cheating can involve emotional intimacy and a close bond. However, emotional cheating causes harm to the primary relationship by taking energy away from it and undermining it. More importantly, emotional intimacy tends to be stronger than what exists in the primary relationship.

A platonic relationship does not include physical attraction, sexual chemistry, or sexual fantasies, nor does it lead to the possibility of a sexual affair.

Your feelings as evidence

Do you feel uncomfortable with how much time and attention your partner is giving to someone else? The way you are feeling as a result of your partner’s behavior can be a determiner. These types of relationships (emotional affairs) can be all-consuming, often at the expense of the committed partner’s well-being.

Examples and signs of emotional cheating

• • They’re being secretive

When it comes to affairs of any kind, there’s often an element of secrecy. They may be leaving the house more often and giving you questionable reasons why they need to go out or come home late. They may be more possessive about their phone and seem to be hiding screens from you. Perhaps they’ve changed passwords or they’re usually technology late at night.

• • They’re being critical of you

This happens when they compare the other person to you and see “the other” in a more favorable light. They wear rose-colored glasses with them, which can make them complain about you. They might also be judgemental or mean for another reason: they feel guilty. As a defensive posture, they try to flip the script to make you seem “bad”. This can help them justify their own behavior.

• • There’s a change in your physical relationship

They may be less affectionate towards you. You may notice a decline in the bedroom. Maybe they pull away or make excuses to avoid being intimate with you. Even if they’re not having a physical connection with someone else, it can still affect yours.

On the other hand, it is not uncommon for a marriage to experience more physical intimacy when one party is engaging in an emotional affair. They may feel more confident. They could be more aroused, imagining sex with that other person.

• • They’re distant or distracted

They appear far away, unable or unwilling to give you attention. They seem less interested in what’s going on in your world. Similarly, they may be less willing to share what’s going on in theirs. This could be because their mind is somewhere else, preoccupied with thoughts of someone else.

• • They’ve changed their appearance

Maybe you’ve noticed they’ve lost weight, changed their hair, or have become more attentive to their clothing. A newly founded interest in one’s appearance or a dramatic change can mean they’re trying to impress someone else.

• • Something feels “off.”

Sometimes your gut truly knows best. It may just be a feeling you’re picking up, without anything tangible to point to. Some describe it as a “quiet shift”.

Is texting someone else cheating?

When it comes to texting, (or messaging of any kind), it’s all about the details. What is the content of those messages, and what is the frequency? If you or your partner is simply not okay with texting a friend, that’s controlling and unhealthy. Unless, however, that friend is more than a friend. Refer back to the signs of emotional cheating.  

It’s under your nose

Sometimes the “other person” is not unknown to the primary partner. In fact, they may have been in the picture for some time. They could be a mutual friend, co-worker, neighbor, or someone that their primary person has met more than once. In fact, the cheating partner may bring their name up often without even realizing it.

Why emotional cheating happens

• Their partner is emotionally unavailable. One partner might not be not emotionally available, so the other seeks that in someone else. Sometimes, partners feel unfulfilled in their relationship and seek intimacy from other people. 48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated.
• The partner feels disrespected. If the emotional cheater feels their partner does not respect them, they may cheat to gain control and boost their confidence.
• The partner feels underappreciated. Perhaps their partner doesn’t give them praise or attention. Receiving positive feedback and support from someone else can be powerful. Over time, deeper feelings and attraction can develop.
• hey lack control. Some people have poor impulse control or lack the ability to regulate their emotions. This causes them to ignore boundaries. They can get carried away by the excitement of a new connection.

The Impact of Emotional Cheating

The effects of an emotional betrayal on a relationship are damaging, regardless of whether the cheater owns up to it or not.

Emotional betrayal

Emotional cheating cuts deep because it involves significant feelings for someone else. Sometimes the bond is strong enough to elicit love. In this case, the cheater cannot say, It didn’t mean anything”. This is why the pain from an emotional affair hurts so much.

Unlike a one-night-stand sexual affair, emotional affairs cannot be blamed on alcohol or poor decision-making. Emotional affairs take time to develop and are more intentional.

More difficult to stop

An affair defined by sex, especially if it happened only once, can be easier to walk away from. However, since emotional cheating is defined by a deep connection over time, ending that relationship can be much more complicated. Strong feelings are involved, the feel-good kind. So the cheating partner is receiving a dose of dopamine every time they interact with that person. More importantly, the other person is fulfilling a need or needs, that was unmet by their primary partner. And that can be hard to give up.

Breaking off the affair basically means letting go of someone who has become essential to their well-being. For the cheating partner, stopping the affair can feel like stopping an addiction.

An emotional affair doesn’t involve sex, but it can be a gateway to a physical affair. It’s not uncommon to develop an emotional connection before having sex outside their primary relationship.

Harmful to mental health

Emotional cheating (and cheating of any type) can have a detrimental effect on one’s mental health. Affairs can bring on a wide range of negative emotions, from rage to despair. The betrayed partner may struggle with their own self-worth. The person who was cheated may actually feel guilty and point the finger at themself, questioning whether they were a worthy partner.

They may lose their ability to trust themselves, in addition to others. Studies have shown that betrayed partners may suffer from depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of the affair. The affair can leave them grieving, similar to how someone would deal with the death of a loved one.

The betrayed partner may feel the following, even before knowing an affair is going on:

• Neglected – They’re home less often, and when they are home they are emotionally and physically unavailable.
• Paranoid – You know something is different with them, but it’s hard to tell. You’re suspicious, but you also don’t want to believe your suspicions. And if you’ve made accusations, your partner may have told you you’re just that, paranoid.
  
• Gaslit – Often, if you’ve presented your suspicions to your partner, they will deny any wrongdoing and may turn the tables on you. Examples include telling you you’re crazy, or overreacting. They might make you feel like the bad guy, because they claim you’re just being dramatic, insisting that they and the other person are “just friends”.

The affair breaks the primary relationship

An emotional affair can reveal the weaknesses in the relationship, such as a lack of respect for one another. For some couples, an emotional affair is too heavy a blow to come back from. The emotional affair may show you that you’re not in a healthy relationship, and this act of betrayal may be the final straw. And sometimes the cheating partner decides to pursue the other relationship instead.

How to Navigate Emotional Cheating

An emotional affair can reveal the weaknesses in the relationship, such as a lack of respect for one another. For some couples, an emotional affair is too heavy a blow to come back from. The emotional affair may show you that you’re not in a healthy relationship, and this act of betrayal may be the final straw. And sometimes the cheating partner decides to pursue the other relationship instead.

• Ask your partner the hard questions

First and foremost, the nature of the other relationship will need to be identified. Was it a connection resembling love or a whirlwind romance? Is your partner truly separated from the other person now? With an emotional affair, there’s no possibility to be just friends because the line is always blurred.

• Address your problems

Like most relationships, yours probably had some issues. Now is the time to acknowledge the problems that predated the emotional affair.

• Communicate your boundaries

Discuss what types of behavior make you uncomfortable. Talk about how you define friendship and what the line is. If you both determine that having intimate relationships outside of your primary one is okay, consider nonmonogamy.

• Determine whether you should remain in the relationship
  

Try to allow the dust to settle before choosing to stay or go. What your partner says and does after the fact, can help you make your decision.

How to Recover from Emotional Infidelity

Healing from an emotional affair can take a significant amount of time. It can be harder to recover when your partner is involved with someone on a very personal level.

• Take time for yourself to grieve
• Practice self-care
• Surround yourself with supportive people who you can talk to
• Meet with a therapist to help you process your feelings
• Remind yourself that you did not cause the affair

When to Seek Therapy

Therapy is always a good idea, especially in times of crisis, difficult emotions, and change. In addition to individual therapy, meeting with a couples counselor for infidelity alongside your partner can help save your relationship. About two-thirds of couples who participate in couples therapy choose to stay together. Counseling can help in the following ways:

• Understanding how the affair happened
• Sorting through complex emotions
• Mending long-existing problems
• Accepting responsibility
• Re-building trust and repair

Revitalize Your Relationship

There are many reasons why a relationship may need some rekindling. A breach of trust is certainly a reason. If your relationship was impacted by infidelity, the flame might be completely out. But it’s possible to get a spark again.

In addition to couples therapy with experienced therapists, the Couples Center offers workshops, courses, and online designed to bring couples closer than ever.