What Does It Mean to be a Relationship Anarchist?

Relationship anarchy aims to challenge both gender and relationship norms. People who engage in this relationship style are constantly questioning the status quo.
A relationship anarchist deconstructs all the pieces of a relationship and customizes those pieces so that their preferences and desires are met.

A relationship anarchist is someone who does away with all the standard relationship models of Western society. Their focus is on connection over expected societal constraints. And when it comes to connection, they value all types. Unlike a traditional model, where one romantic partner is placed above others, they believe everyone’s needs and connections should be equally valued.

Relationship anarchy (RA) is a relationship style where there is no standard definition or expectation of what a romantic relationship should look like. Therefore, there is no reason to use sex to differentiate or prioritize a romantic relationship from a platonic one. Relationship anarchy is considered a type of Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) relationship, as it falls under the umbrella of non-traditional relationship structures that involve having multiple partners with open communication and consent.

Potential Benefits of Being a Relationship Anarchist

Personal Freedom

One of the biggest benefits of RA is that it allows a person to have full autonomy. Each person is free to define and shape their relationships based on their own needs, desires, and values. This can give people a strong sense of autonomy and self-determination. For example, you can spend time how you choose, pursue personal interests, and maintain your independence all while keeping meaningful connections.

Less Pressure

There are no predefined rules, titles, or structures in RA connections. This means they can evolve naturally and adapt to the changing needs and situations of the people involved. There isn’t pressure to move in together, get married, or have pressure because RA doesn’t follow traditional expectations.

Improved Communication

RAs are encouraged to express their feelings, needs, and boundaries directly. This fosters honesty and openness—which is proven to improve relationship satisfaction and overall well-being.

Equal Partnerships

Relationship anarchists embrace all relationship types without hierarchical distinctions. This can promote a sense of self-worth among participants and enhance the lives of each one.

Honors Diverse Relationship Styles

RA supports diversity in relationship dynamics and provides a space for people who don’t conform to traditional relationship norms (like those who identify as asexual, non-binary individuals, or polyamorous) to create meaningful, respectful connections that suit them.

Flexibility

Relationship anarchy promotes fluidity and adaptability in all relationship dynamics. This means that relationships can change as people’s needs and desires shift over time. For example, a deep emotional connection might evolve into a romantic relationship, or a romantic connection might change into a more platonic one. This is all seen as positive since change is seen as a healthy part of relationships.

Empowerment, Self-Advocacy, and Supporting Diverse Types of People

• In addition, RAs are expected to have a strong sense of personal responsibility, be accountable for their own actions, communicate their needs clearly, and respect the autonomy of others, regardless of gender or sex.

How It Works

Relationship anarchy is about letting your core values guide you in choosing your relationship instead of having society’s norms dictate that for you. Because there is no “typical” when it comes to relationship anarchy, it’s not possible to outline the typical relationship anarchist’s life. That being said, here are possible examples of relationship anarchy:

Example 1

Living with a mix of romantic and platonic partners who all help maintain the household and are equally involved in big decisions like parenting and finances.

Example 2

Having two romantic partners who do not take precedence over platonic friends.

Example 3

Starting as a close friendship and turning into a romantic or sexual dynamic, and then back again, if that’s what feels right at the time.

Example 4

Having multiple sexual or romantic partners who all live alone and make decisions independently, prioritizing autonomy.

All of these examples involve rejecting societal norms and creating customized, consensual, and flexible relationships based on what works for everyone involved.

Foundations of Relationship Anarchy

In relationship anarchy, relationships are unique and self- determined. While relationship anarchy lacks defined rules, it does value certain things like autonomy, and community.

General Principles of Relationship Anarchy

All relationship anarchists tend to follow these principles:

• No hierarchies: Relationship anarchists reject the idea that romantic relationships should be seen as more important than friendships or other types of relationships.
• Autonomy and consent: They emphasize personal autonomy and the importance of mutual consent in any interaction. They believe relationships should be based on respect for each person’s independence.
• Non-ownership: Relationship anarchists outwardly dismiss the idea of “ownership” in relationships. They do not believe that one person can control or limit another person’s connections. Instead, each person should have the freedom to seek any type or number of relationships that fit their needs.
• Fluidity: Relationships are understood as dynamic, rather than static. There is less pressure for them to fit into boxes like “friend,” “partner,” or “lover” because they are ever-changing.
• Rejection of Labels: Rather than focusing on labeling relationships or people, relationship anarchists focus on intention. There is a great focus on clear and open communication about desires, boundaries, and goals within the relationship.

Relationship Anarchy Manifesto

There’s actually an instructional manifesto written in 2006 by Andie Nordgren, who first came up with this type of relationship.

Here is a summary of the main ideas:

• Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique
• Love and respect instead of entitlement
• Find your core set of relationship values
• Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you
• Build for the lovely unexpected
• Fake it ‘til you make it
• Trust is better
• Change through communication
• Customize your commitments

You can find the full manifesto, here.

Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord

The “relationship anarchy smorgasbord” is a concept that takes a metaphor of relationships as meals where you and your partner build your “plate” from a buffet of different options to create a customized relationship that meets your unique needs. The RA smorgasbord is a chart with different categories like “emotional intimacy”, “caregiving”, and “kink”. RAs use the chart as an exercise to customize the relationship and set boundaries.

Relationship anarchists have a hypothetical plate, onto which they will put different items, such as “public displays of affection”, or “shared goals for the future”. The main condition is that items can only go on the platter if all parties agree to it. By the end of the exercise, their plate will be full of items that reflect their wishes, expectations, boundaries, and commitments. You can view the full RA Smorgasbord, here.

Relationship Anarchy vs Polyamory

Polyamory is a type of open relationship in which each partner can have multiple sexual partners. Polyamory is a type of nonmonogamy where each person usually has a primary partner. The primary partner might be a spouse or domestic partner. It’s the person they treat with more seriousness and emotional intimacy than their other partners.

Relationship anarchy can be confused with polyamory but there are distinct differences. While they both involve having multiple partners, polyamory involves a hierarchy where one partner is considered more central, relationship anarchy rejects any hierarchy. Therefore, in RA, all partners are considered equal. RA and polyamory can be practiced simultaneously.

Is Relationship Anarchy Toxic?

RA is not inherently toxic. RA’s guiding principles are meant to be positive. Relationship anarchy centers on empowerment – wanting people to choose the relationship that fits them as unique individuals.

But any type of relationship can become toxic. Relationship anarchy is no exception. Relationship anarchy can become unhealthy if the people involved leave out compassion and empathy. The autonomy mindset can be abused, leading someone to think only of themself. If done the right way, relationship anarchists respect and care for one another.