The Real Reasons Why Your Husband Doesn’t Want to Talk

• He simply doesn’t know what to say. Many people (and especially many men), don’t know what they are feeling and can’t find the proper words. It is easier to say nothing at all. 
• He’s uncomfortable or overwhelmed. It might look like your husband doesn’t feel anything, but often it’s because he’s actually very affected by emotion and doesn’t know how to deal with those feelings. He’s offended or hurt (from something that occurred between you). This is how he shows he’s upset.
• He doesn’t want to make things worse. He’s worried that talking about things will escalate them further.

Stonewalling

When someone refuses to communicate with the other person, it’s known as stonewalling. Stonewalling is characterized by silence, lack of eye contact, and disinterested gestures such as eye-rolling or shrugs. They may pretend they are busy or become preoccupied with their phone. Stonewallers come up with endless excuses to avoid the conversation. Someone stonewalling may simply walk away from the person trying to engage them. Metaphorically, it is building a wall that separates you from the other person.   

This behavior is much more common in men. In fact, 85% of “stonewallers” are men. This is because of the way men are wired. They are more likely to withdraw emotionally from conflict discussions while women remain emotionally engaged.

Why are they stonewalling?

Although this is sometimes done on purpose, some people end up stonewalling involuntarily. It can occur as a physiological defensive response to a sense of feeling overwhelmed. It is rooted in a fear of conflict and a desire to soothe anger and calm escalation. The person stonewalling may think avoiding conflict is the best option. but stonewalling is rarely effective.

Stonewalling is a type of coping mechanism or lack thereof. It is a tactic often learned in childhood. And for men, there’s a good chance they saw it modeled with their father or another male figure in their life.

Overcoming Stonewalling

Here are 7 things to try when your husband refuses to talk about problems:

1. Start on a positive note

Rather than open with complaints, thank your husband for agreeing to talk it out together. Let him know how important it is because you value him and your relationship.

2. Avoid harsh language.

Try to approach your husband gently. Avoid trigger words that could cause him to back off or shut down. Start off softly and you’re much more likely to end that way as well.  

3. Be mindful of your body language

Similar to the words you choose, an aggressive stance, tone, or facial expression is just as likely to worsen the situation. Avoid yelling, pointing, or exhibiting a tense posture.

4. Take time to decompress

Before you broach a topic with your husband, especially a sensitive one, take time to decompress first. It’s never a good idea to enter the conversation heated. Plan out what you want to say.

5. Be patient

Give him time. Try to remember that this is difficult for him. And it’s not that he doesn’t care. Maybe he doesn’t have the proper tools to navigate a sensitive topic. Maybe he’s scared of what the talk will lead to.

6. Ask questions

Avoid assumptions and refrain from jumping to conclusions. Instead, ask neutral questions that give you more insight. For example: “Can you help me understand your point of view?”

7. Find support

Despite making changes and offering patience and a gentle demeanor, that wall may remain, Sometimes it takes someone outside the relationship to get back on the path towards each other. Meeting with a couples counselor can help you to uncover the reason(s) your husband refuses to talk about problems.

5 Tips for the Husband Who Refuses to Talk about Problems:

If you’re the one stonewalling, your partner may be feeling rejected, unappreciated, or devalued. They may be frustrated because it seems like you don’t care. Left unchecked, this behavior can have dire consequences for the relationship. Here’s what you can do to help manage this.

1. Schedule it out

Agree on a time when you can sit down and give each other full attention in a relaxed manner. This will help you avoid feeling attacked and it will give you both time to be calm and intentional with your words.

2. Take a break

Listen to your body. If discomfort has flooded in and you’re feeling tense, your body is telling you you need a break. Let your partner know you need a break! Rather than pushing through and possibly stonewalling, give yourself time to relax.

3. Self-soothe

Before re-entering the conversation, do something that will calm you down. This could be doing breathing exercises, listening to music, walking or running, or any activity that calms your nervous system.

4. Write it out

Ahead of time, write what you want to say. When you say it in the moment it might be harder to put words together and be clear, compared to finding the words in advance. 

5. Find support

Sometimes there’s a bigger issue at play that needs some sorting out. Either individually or with your partner, a counselor can guide you to a better place personally and in your relationship.

You are a team

Remember, if your husband refuses to talk about problems it’s not about you. Whether the stonewalling is intentional or not, it is highly damaging to the relationship. If continued, regular stonewalling can even lead to divorce. Fixing this, like all things in a relationship, is a team effort. It’ll take work on both ends.