When Jessica first found out about her partner’s affair she told herself it wasn’t true. After she accepted the truth, she moved into despair. “How can our relationship survive this?” she wondered. Sometimes she wondered how she’d physically be able to survive the heartbreak. Next, her sadness turned to anger. At times she felt she hated her partner. After the rage subsided she questioned herself: “What could I have done to prevent this?” She went through a period of blaming herself.

The example with Jessica demonstrates how the aftermath of an affair is a process. Affairs are not something that can be quickly forgiven, nor should they be. For the sake of the couple as well as the individual betrayed, shortcuts shouldn’t be taken. Time is needed for processing and healing. And there are natural, helpful stages one must go through, on their own terms, in order for the relationship to survive.

The Process of Grieving After Infidelity

After the initial shock of infidelity, it is common for grief to set in. Like a death, the partner begins to grieve the relationship as they once knew it. They are also grieving the loss of trust. A major determining factor between those who move forward with this change and those who remain stuck after an affair is their willingness to grieve the loss.

It’s highly beneficial to go through the stages of grief in the aftermath of a partner’s affair. The process can occur in a different order and can vary in length, but the stages consist of the following:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Initial Shock and Denial

The Shock of the Discovery:

When a betrayed partner first discovers the affair, reactions can vary greatly. Extreme behavior is not uncommon. The deceived partner may lash out at their partner or someone else. They may find it difficult to control their emotions, ie, bursts of crying. Or they may isolate and have a difficult time getting out of bed and carrying out their daily tasks.

Denial and Disbelief:

In this stage, people refuse to accept or acknowledge the reality of the situation. It is natural to want to reject or deny news that could hurt us. This is how we protect ourselves from a harsh reality. They may struggle to comprehend the situation. They may try to downplay the truth in order to minimize pain. Denial is a common response in the beginning. This is when people say things like, “This can’t be happening to me.” “This is not my life.” We may operate as if we are numb, in a dream. We think that once we wake up from this bad dream, it will all go away.

The initial shock and denial of an affair can act as a natural anesthesia to help cope with the pain. But as the shock wears off, you’ll find yourself moving into other stages that can bring even more pain. The hard truth is that to heal, you must walk through the pain. We cannot stay in a state of denial. To follow a path to healing we must first accept the truth.

Anger

After processing the initial shock, the betrayed partner enters the “reaction stage”. The person experiences a roller coaster of emotions. Anger is a common emotion in the aftermath of an affair. Rage is present and the cheated-on-partner may want to retaliate. The anger that they feel could be directed at the partner who cheated, at the other person involved, or at oneself for “letting it happen”. Sometimes we’re mad at all three, plus the universe. It is not only common but healthy to feel anger as it is a normal part of the grieving process. While it’s okay to go through a period of anger for being wronged, any urges of retaliation should not be acted on.

Bargaining Stage

Here is where the betrayed partner seeks answers and understanding. This is the bargaining stage, which can be referred to as the “thinking stage”. The hurt partner tries to come up with hypotheticals: “What if we…”, Maybe I should have…” and etc. You may try to convince yourself that things are not so bad. You may try to justify your partner’s behavior Perhaps put the blame on yourself. What you’re doing is trying to fix things and make the pain you’re feeling subside.

However, no amount of bargaining can undo the damage that has been done. While it is possible for your relationship to recover and move forward, it will take a conscious effort from yourself and your partner.

Attempting to Make Sense of Why the Cheating Occurred

Sometimes the betrayed partner will try to uncover some hidden reason why their partner cheated. They may ask to know details about the affair. They tell themselves there must be some reason why this happened They may be holding out hope that when the cheater explains with details what happened, it will finally make sense, and not hurt so much. This is undoubtedly painful but for some people, it can actually help. They’ve already been deceived so finally getting the truth is important to them.

And some believe that if you don’t understand how the affair occurred, you can’t see how it can be avoided in the future. “The how and why are very difficult to hear but that information will prevent you from seeing the affair as a random occurrence. It can give you more security” says TCC therapist Vanita Kunert.

Questioning One’s Own Actions As a Possible Cause for Infidelity

Once you know about the affair, you’re going to ask yourself why. You may begin to wonder what you did or didn’t do that led to the affair. Thoughts like this can consume you and make the pain you’re already feeling worse. Pointing the finger at yourself is not only ineffective but it’s wrong to do. Why? Because you played no part in the affair. Your partner’s decision to cheat was their decision only. You are responsible for the role you play in the relationship but you are not responsible for your partner’s actions.

There are a lot of “maybe ifs” you can ask yourself. For example, “Maybe if I had more sex with him, he wouldn’t have cheated on me”. But any “what if” you come up with is just a rationalization for someone else’s behavior. And in reality, they are excuses, because every person has a choice as to how they will handle a situation in their own life.

Depression

Difficulty getting out of bed. Loss of interest in the things that used to bring joy. Withdrawal. Emotional outbursts. Weight change.

The betrayed partner can experience depression when the weight of the affair sinks in. The biggest blow is the loss of trust which can cause them to feel hopelessness. The depressed partner may isolate and dwell on extreme, negative thoughts such as, “Maybe they never loved me”, “I’ve wasted my life with them” or “Love is a lie”.

Acceptance

Acceptance does not mean surrendering. Nor does it mean forgiving. Acceptance certainly doesn’t mean forgetting. This is the stage in which the betrayed partner accepts that the affair happens. In the acceptance phase, the hurt partner shifts their focus to the present and the future.

Acceptance means that you have freed yourself from the emotional burden of your partner’s behaviors. You’ve stopped blaming yourself for what happened. Instead, you are ready to move on with your life (even if it means no longer being with your spouse).

The Many Emotions of the Betrayed Partner

Self-Doubt

After a partner is betrayed, that person may start to doubt all the things they thought they knew about their partner and the relationship they had with them. Some people beat themselves up, saying things like, “How could I be so stupid?” They question their own judgment, second-guessing other things in their past.

Waves of Extreme Emotions

If your partner has cheated you can be left feeling overwhelmed by the fact that your world is now upside down. You’re trying to stay afloat but you’re being hit by waves of intense emotion. You may alternate between feeling heartbroken, angry, confused, and embarrassed. Sometimes you feel all of those emotions at once. You may be confused as to how you are feeling, wondering, “Am I heartbroken or enraged”?

Struggling with Self-Esteem

Discovering your partner’s affair can bring up self-esteem issues due to feeling inadequate or unlovable. The betrayed person may be struggling with feeling attractive and desirable. They may have heightened anxiety and feel constantly worried that they will be betrayed again.

The Role of Guilt in the Aftermath of Infidelity

Guilt plays a big role after infidelity in a relationship. While we expect the cheater will feel guilt, the person cheated on may also feel their own type of guilt. They may feel as if they should have done something (or not done something) to prevent the affair from happening.

In addition to guilt, shame is another emotion felt by both partners. Usually lumped together, shame and guilt are not the same. Guilt is a negative feeling that focuses on a specific action or behavior. Shame on the other hand focuses on the self. Shame originates from being regarded as lesser than or worthy of being mistreated.

The unfaithful partner may feel:

• Sense of shame for deceiving and lying to partner
• Guilt for causing deep pain to partner (and family)
• Guilt for jeopardizing the relationship
• Shame for meeting their needs with another person, feeling selfish
• Guilt for not being able to stop the infidelity, for not fixing things, and for not disclosing the infidelity

The betrayed partner may feel:

• Guilt for not seeing it sooner, following their instincts, and being “duped”
• Guilt for not correctly identifying the emotional distancing
• Shame for wanting to stay in the relationship after betrayal, for not leaving

Guilt can be a positive thing because guilt is associated with empathy. Guilt that leads to reflective thoughts, recognition of mistakes, and change is helpful and necessary in the healing process. On the other hand, guilt can also be a roadblock to recovery. This happens when we become stuck in guilt without the ability to reflect and make changes.

Treating the Affair with Counseling

You can have a successful relationship after an affair. The key is to regain trust with time, patience, and the right tools. Therapy can help with that, in fact, it can make all the difference for some couples.

Couples Therapy

After infidelity, broken trust is the biggest problem to overcome in the relationship. If you were betrayed in your relationship, trusting your partner again can seem almost unfathomable. But you can learn to trust again.

A couples counselor will help you get it all out on the table and guide you through trust-building exercises. Rebuilding trust is a slow process that requires commitment. However, trust is the foundation that every relationship needs for survival. Therefore, if you can gain back trust, your relationship can make it.

Couples counseling can help with the following:

• Understanding how the affair happened
• Sorting through complex emotions
• Mending long-existing problems
• Re-building trust
• Accepting responsibility
• Loss of love after infidelity
• Lying after infidelity
• Communication issues
• Decreased intimacy
• Insecure attachment styles

Individual Therapy

In addition to couples therapy, individual therapy is highly recommended, for both the partner betrayed and the one who had the affair.

Waves of Extreme Emotions

An affair can be traumatic. Many people go through a process similar to grieving after a death. It can even bring on PTSD-related symptoms such as obsessive thoughts, flashbacks, insomnia, avoiding places or things associated with the affair, etc. A therapist will help work through these symptoms.