What Are Red Flags in Relationships?

Often in relationships, there are red flags or warning signs indicating this may not be the right partner for you. A red flag is a problematic behavior that could lead to bigger or continuous problems with that person. Knowing how to spot these red flags can help you avoid an unhealthy relationship in the future.

Benefits of Identifying Red Flags Early On

Identifying and acknowledging red flags early on in a relationship can prevent you from being in a toxic relationship later on. Once found, it’s up to you to decide what to do next. Red flags should result in conversations. Those conversations can make or break a relationship. Good communication is always helpful, and when it comes to red flags, it
could be a misunderstanding or an opportunity for growth. When this happens, the relationship can improve.
Most likely there won’t be obvious red flags right off the bat. Instead, you may notice pink flags, which are subtle, more gradual hints that it might not be a good relationship for you.

While it’s best to spot red (or pink) flags sooner rather than later, it’s not always easy to do so. Early in a relationship, we may be blinded by love, or something like it. The honeymoon phase can have us wearing rose-tinted glasses. Or we may notice some potential red flags, but choose to ignore them, wanting to believe these things are outliers that can be overlooked, rather than character flaws that could be harmful to you.

Warning Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship

The following are common red flags to look out for in a relationship. Keep these in mind as they can signal whether trouble is around the bend.

Controlling or jealous behavior

If a partner attempts to limit your world with their own dominance putting rules on who you can see, where you can go, etc. this is controlling. They may be jealous of the other relationships you have in your life. Whether it’s malicious intent or due to their insecurities, it is unhealthy and can not continue. Examples of controlling behavior include wanting to know where you are and what you’re doing at all times, wanting access to your phone, or restricting what you can wear

Inconsistencies

Is your partner continuously unreliable or chronically inconsistent in their words and actions? When you feel like you’re always on your toes, unable to predict what will happen next, you can’t feel secure with your partner. Inconsistencies make it hard for you to trust them and feel safe.

Manipulative tendencies

Manipulation comes in different forms, and all of them are red flags. When in conflict with you do they attempt to gaslight, victim blame, name-call, or project? Whatever form they use is meant to belittle you and leave you feeling insecure. It’s an extremely unhealthy behavior, a definite red flag for any relationship.

Love bombing

“Love bombing” is a term used to describe a behavior when someone displays an excessive amount of love and affection for another person. It’s also when someone moves way too quickly in a relationship that it feels overwhelming to the other person. They may be rushing you to have sex, move in together, or get married. It can be a form of control or manipulation because the receiver comes to rely on the love and affection, and then the “love bomber” leaves the other person heartbroken.

In healthy relationships, both partners are on the same page and there isn’t pressure put on the other person. If your relationship is being love-bombed it will feel intense and unbalanced. Love bombing is most often seen with narcissists

Clinginess

What does clinginess look like? It can be smothering someone with time and affection. Not giving the other person space. It can be moving way too quickly like saying “I love you” from the start. Or it can be unreasonable jealousy. Clinginess can resemble
controlling behavior. Clinginess is problematic because the person is attempting to make you their everything. More likely than not, they are in an unhealthy place mentally

Lack of communication

Communication is the root of intimacy. Without good, constant communication, your relationship will always hit a wall. A lack of communication can be the reason you have recurring arguments. It can be the reason why you’re always guessing how they feel or the reason why you feel unseen or misunderstood. Does your partner show that they are listening to you when you speak? Will they share their feelings Or instead of using their words, do they display their feelings with negative behavior, such as passive aggression, or the silent treatment?

Extreme emotional responses

Does your partner have trouble regulating their emotions, especially in times of conflict? Do they anger easily, aka “flying off the handle”? This red flag can indicate physical or emotional abuse in the future. On the flip side, not showing any emotion (known as the flat affect) could mean they lack empathy, which is another problem. You want your partner who is somewhere in the middle, with control over their emotions.

You can’t be yourself

As your relationship progresses you should feel more and more comfortable expressing yourself and “letting your hair down”. You shouldn’t feel restricted, especially not in who you are. A romantic relationship should add to your life and increase your happiness. Part of that is being able to be your true, authentic self. A relationship should not diminish who you are and what you are interested in. Giving up hobbies or goals because of your relationship is a red flag.

Lack of Respect

Lack of respect can take many shapes. Examples include pushing unrealistic expectations on a partner or not being attentive or empathetic to a partner’s needs. Lack of respect can grow to be utter disrespect which can cross the line into abuse.

Abuse

Some of the warning signs already already mentioned are considered emotional abuse. But it’s important to separate the forms of abuse into their own category, as this is more than a red flag. Abuse is dangerous. Abuse of any kind should not be tolerated. If signs of abuse exist, you should leave the relationship.

Review the types of abuse and what it looks like:

Emotional Abuse

Abuse can happen without visible proof. Also known as mental or psychological abuse, emotional abuse uses blame, shame, criticism, or guilt to control another person. Although it’s nonviolent, over time emotional abuse can cause serious harm. Repeated emotional abuse causes the person to have lower self-esteem, self-doubt, and a lack of confidence. This in turn can make it more difficult for the abused partner to leave the relationship.

Emotional abuse can be harder to identify, especially if the abuser is making you feel like you’re overly sensitive, or it’s sandwiched between seemingly sweet behavior. But if you’re starting to feel worthless, isolated, or powerless, you may want to look closer.

Examples of emotional abuse in a romantic relationship include the following:

• Attempting to isolate a partner from their friends and family
• Manipulating tactics such as gaslighting, the silent treatment, guilt-tripping, threats or coercion
• Humiliating
• Ridiculing
• Criticizing
• Neglecting
• Verbal attacking or yelling
• Shaming
• Blaming
• Dismissing
• Accusing

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse is any type of forceful behavior that causes or can cause physical harm. It often starts gradually. Many times it accompanies or follows emotional abuse.
Examples of physical abuse include:

• Scratching or biting
• Pushing or shoving
• slapping
• Kicking
• Choking or strangling
• Throwing things
• Force-feeding or denying food
• Using weapons or objects that could hurt you
• Physically restraining you (such as pinning you against a wall, floor, bed, etc.)
• Reckless driving
• Any other acts that hurt or threaten you

Victims of physical abuse in a relationship are at a significantly higher risk of developing depression, anxiety, PTSD, or addiction. This is true even if the physical abuse was an isolated occurrence.

Physical abuse should be taken very seriously. There is never a justification for physical abuse. If you’ve been a victim of physical abuse, seek help right away: 800-799-7233 (National Domestic Violence Hotline).

Substance Abuse

Alcoholism and drug abuse are both relationship red flags. You can be a good person and have a substance abuse problem. However, substance abuse gets in the way of them being a good partner.

Other Forms of Abuse

• Financial Abuse: Controlling or spending your money are examples
• Sexual Abuse: Any form of sexual activity that takes place without the partner’s
  consent
• Cultural/Identity Abuse: Belittling their partner’s spiritual or cultural worth, beliefs,
  or practices and denying them access to their cultural or spiritual community are
  examples.

Yellow Flags to Look Out For in a Potential Partner

While red flags tell you to stop, yellow flags tell you to proceed with caution. Yellow flags are not necessarily bad but are important to look out for and monitor. If not dealt with, a yellow flag can turn into a red one.

Yellow Flags to Consider

• Dark or secretive past
• Unwilling to compromise/unflexible
• Doesn’t have other relationships
• Wants to spend all their time with you
• Doesn’t respect your boundaries
• Treats others poorly

Yellow flags can be more personal, so it’s helpful to reflect on what you would label as yellow flags. Consider your own values, what you prioritize, and the behaviors you don’t like in other people you know.

Can a Relationship Recover From Red Flags?

So you’ve identified at least one red flag in your relationship. And now you’re wondering, can the relationship survive? The short answer is “yes”, but this depends on
a few important things

How to handle red flags in a relationship:

1. Never ignore a red flag

First and foremost, don’t sweep a red flag (or a yellow flag) under the rug. More than likely it’s a sign of something bigger. Think of a red flag as a helpful sign meant to help you improve your relationship, or a notification instructing you to leave.

2. Self-reflect

Take a step back and notice how the red flags make you feel. Where is that feeling coming from? What is it connected to? Remind yourself that you deserve to be treated
well. Turning inward will help you prepare for the next step.

3. Address

The red flags need to be addressed in a timely matter so that they don’t grow into bigger problems. Have an open and honest conversation with your partner.
You’ll gain clarity from the answers to these questions:

• Are they owning up to the problematic behavior?
• Do they agree that it’s a problem?
• Are they willing to change?
• What is their plan to work on that behavior?
• Are they open to individual counseling or couples counseling?

4. Decide what’s best for you

Don’t settle. Remind yourself that a romantic relationship should bring you joy. Remember that being alone is always better than being in an unhealthy relationship.
Trust your gut. If it doesn’t feel right, go with that. Consult with the close people in your
life for advice and support. Seek professional guidance from an experienced therapist.

While a red flag in a relationship is not always a dealbreaker, sometimes it is, like in instances of abuse. It’s worth repeating that if there is abuse in the relationship, you should end the relationship. There is no situation where abuse of any kind is
acceptable.

Green Flags in a Potential Partner

Alternatively, green flags are positive signs that indicate a relationship has strong potential.
The following are signs that the person may be a good partner:

• They’re empathetic
• They’re self-aware
• They’re emotionally stable
• They have a life outside of the relationship (hobbies, friends, goals)
• They’re an effective communicator
• They’re willing to discuss their emotions
• You feel good around them
• They’re working to be better
• They want to satisfy your needs
• They treat others well

If these don’t identify with your current partner, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship.