What does love look like to you? What does it feel like? We don’t all have the same definition of love. Although we can all probably agree that to love and be loved is what we all want.

When it comes to our partners, we want them to feel our love, to never question whether we care about them. So how can you show love in a way that speaks directly to their heart? Whether you’re a new couple, or you’ve been together for 30 years, your relationship can benefit from knowing what it is that makes your partner feel truly loved.

History of Love Languages

The Love Languages coined by author, speaker, and counselor, Gary Chapman, are widely known as a key component for a lasting relationship. Developed more than 30 years ago in his book “The 5 Love Languages”, Gary Chapman describes five main ways in which people give and receive love in a relationship. These five love languages are based on the idea that everyone has a preferred way of expressing love. Today many people can list them off as easily as they can list the days of the week.

Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages

We all have different needs, wants, and desires. Identifying yours and your partners is half the battle.

Physical Touch

If your love language is physical touch it means you value physical expressions of love over others forms. You could feel most loved when your partner holds your hand. Or maybe it’s a passionate kiss from your partner that means the most.

Sex is of course very important to people with this love language, but physical touch is not all about sex. If physical touch is your language, a simple touch on the arm can make your heart sing. Don’t forget about non-sexual touching like back rubs, cuddling, or sitting close to one another. Physical displays of love can be incredibly affirming.

Acts of Service

“Actions speak louder than words”. By doing ‘nice’ things for your partner you are saying that you want to make their life easier and more enjoyable. Doing the dishes, making them a cup of coffee, or taking over diaper/kid duty are all ways to relieve your partner and make them comfortable. Through acts of service, you’re giving your time and energy to them. Nonverbally you’re saying “You’re worth it”, “I care about you”, and “I want to make your life better”.

Here are some tips to fulfill this love language:

• Pay Attention to the Little Things – How do they like their coffee? When do they usually walk the dog? Is there a task they usually do that you can step up and do for them?
• Be Mindful of Their Schedule – Are they having an especially busy day or week? How can you make it more manageable for them? For example, pack their lunch for them. Run a bath for them when they get home. Have their favorite meal waiting.
• Capitalize on Your Strengths – You may not be able to help them out with their work, for example. Focus on using your strengths to lighten their load. If you understand or can do something your partner cannot offer your services.

Quality Time

If quality time is your love language, you value togetherness and undivided attention the most. Joint experiences together are powerful for you. It could mean going out and doing something together. But you could also show this form of love by simply giving your partner your undivided attention. It’s all about one-on-one time and avoiding distractions.

It doesn’t count if you’re just sharing space. Quality time is intentional and fosters bonding. If this is your partner’s love language, you can speak to their heart by:

• Putting Away Technology
• Making Eye Contact
• Affirming Their Words
• Asking Thoughtful Questions

Remember that the keyword is “quality”. So when it comes to quality time, it’s not about the amount of time you spend together but instead the quality of your interactions. Carve out some time that you can devote to each other. Whether it’s a weekly date night or a quick walk every evening, develop a plan that can become routine.

Words of Affirmation

Words of appreciation or verbal compliments are powerful communicators of love. They’re best displayed in simple, straightforward ways.

Examples of words of affirmation:

• “You look beautiful in that dress”.
• “I love how you can always make me laugh”.
• “I appreciate how hard you work every day”.
• “You’re an amazing mother/father”.

The above are compliments that aim to make your partner feel noticed, appreciated, and loved. But words of affirmation are not just verbal compliments. They can come in the form of encouragement. For example, using words to support your partner’s goal or dream. Perhaps they’re going through a hard time at work and so you remind them that they’re great at what they do.

Words of affirmation are not just about what we say, but how we say them. Saying the same thing but with gentleness and kindness makes a world of difference than when it’s said with hostility, sarcasm, or anger.

Words are not your strong suit? You don’t have to reinvent the wheel. Put together a notebook of loving words you come across in books, movies, songs, etc. Periodically send out a fitting line in a text message, email, or written note left by the bed.

Perhaps you’re not good at telling your partner directly how you feel. Tell their friend or family member, and it’ll get back to them.

Receiving Gifts

“A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, ‘Look he/she was thinking of me”, Chapman writes. For some, visual symbols of love are what resonates most. It isn’t so much about the monetary value as it is the thought behind the gift. The careful deliberation in choosing something tells the receiver that they are cared for.

If gifts are your partner’s love language, you may worry about the cost. But gifts need not be expensive, nor must they be given every week. Most of the time the gifts are not about the monetary value. There are about what they stand for, symbols of love.

Understanding Your Primary Love Language

To discover your love language, you’ll need to think about the feeling of love. When do you feel most loved? What is happening during that time? Are you cuddling in bed with your partner? Is it while reading a love note from them? Did they surprise you with a meaningful gift? Perhaps it’s when you have uninterrupted alone time with them. Or it might be when they offer to help you with something that’s been burdening you.

Taking a Love Language Quiz

You may already know your love language. Maybe your partner has told you directly. And yet, you may think you know and end up surprised by what your love language truly is. Take this love language quiz to find out.

Identifying Your Own Primary Love Language

Chances are, there isn’t just one type of expression that makes you feel loved. It’s usually a combination of things that will make your heart happy. For example, you like receiving gifts, public displays of affection, and one-on-one time, but it’s the acts of service from your partner that mean the most to you. There’s usually one type of love-giving that speaks the loudest for you.

What if you and your partner speak different love languages? Not to worry. Most couples do. Understanding each other’s preferred love language is most important since it can improve your understanding of each other, prevent arguments, and encourage a deeper love to develop. If you know your primary love language, don’t keep it a secret or wait for your partner to figure it out: let them know!