Nonbinary and transgender couples face specific identity-related challenges in their relationships. These challenges often entail lived experiences of marginalization, navigating internalized constructs about gender, and working through what it means to make physical changes or transition.

If you and/or your partner are seeking nonbinary or transgender couples therapy, it is important to prioritize affirming spaces. These spaces can strengthen your bond and increase your ability to connect with each other in a healthy way.

Common Issues for Transgender and Nonbinary Couples

As with any couple, different issues will arise for nonbinary and transgender couples based on upbringing, personality, and past experiences. However, issues that cisgender couples do not contend with are also likely to occur. These may include:

Gender Dysphoria

Gender dysphoria is a mismatch between gender identity and sex assigned at birth. If you are dealing with gender dysphoria, there is a sense of discomfort in your day to day life due to your body and self-image. This discomfort often leads to higher levels of anxiety, depression, and general distress. Mental health concerns rooted in gender dysphoria impact relationships and can make it difficult to build and sustain intimacy.

Talking to your partner about gender dysphoria can help you achieve greater satisfaction. Open dialogue will foster a deeper understanding of the way gender factors into your relationship for each of you. Depending on your partner’s own experience of gender, they may be able to empathize or even directly relate to what you are going through.

Remember, relational health is founded on a want to understand. A partner who responds to your emotions around gender dysphoria in a dismissive or disparaging way may not be the best fit for you on your journey. This is especially true if they are not showing signs of wanting to unpack their communication style, behavior, and beliefs.

Family Dynamics

Some families are very open and accepting of relatives with identities different from their own. However, if your and/or your partner’s family struggles to accept your gender, dynamics may cause strain in your relationship. Figuring out boundaries, deciding which events to attend, and asserting yourselves in order to receive the respect you deserve can be taxing.

Deciding on how to present a united front with your partner prior to these interactions eases the strain. Knowing you are together and both want the best for one another provides a sense of security in the wake of family members’ comments. This knowledge may also provide opportunities to gain deeper insight into each other’s core wounds, relational patterns, and responses under stress.

Community support can be another major part of receiving the nurturing that your biological family is unable to give. Many nonbinary and transgender people, as well as people under the general LGBTQ+ umbrella, rely on chosen family for getting a portion of their relational needs met. Participating in local events and groups intended for gender diverse people is one way to branch out and engage with like-minded others.

Social and Political Stressors

The macro level unrest that those who hold marginalized identities are coming up against in the United States is impossible to ignore. Near daily violence is enacted against transgender people. Laws are being passed that severely restrict access to gender affirming care or force detransition. Individual relationships between those who are nonbinary and transgender cannot escape the impact of these stressors.

If you and/or your partner are struggling due to social and political turmoil, you are not alone. The mental health symptoms that can result include hypervigilance, low mood, restlessness, and a sense of hopelessness. Nonbinary and transgender couples therapy is an avenue for getting the guidance you need in holding and processing your emotions.

Transitioning in a Relationship

You and/or your partner choosing to physically transition in order to align your appearance with your gender identity is a big undertaking. For example, one or both of you may decide to begin taking hormones or to undergo gender affirming surgery. It is natural for questions, worries, and anxieties to come up around these significant changes. You may ask yourself:

• Will our attraction to each other change?
• How will our intimacy and sex life be impacted?
• Will we behave differently with one another?
• Are we giving and receiving the right types of support?

These questions can be overwhelming. Rest assured that both of you having fears rise to the surface is to be expected. The best things you and your partner can do are keep lines of communication open, show one another you care, and participate in both individual and couples work. A few items to remember during you and/or your partners transition process are:

You Are Both on a Journey

Regardless of who is personally going through a transition process, both partners are affected. Change, however positive the ultimate outcome is, can be destabilizing. Your relationship is entering new territory as it moves through this journey. Having conflicting emotions and lingering challenges is human – be sure to give yourselves grace.

It can be useful to carve out separate spaces to talk about any confusing thoughts or feelings you are experiencing. Each of you deserves a place where you can express yourself fully without worrying about invalidating the other. This may be with an individual therapist or in a support group. Resources are available for both people who are transitioning and for the partners and loved ones of those people.

Teamwork is Key

Existing in the world as a nonbinary or transgender person is difficult. Social discrimination and prejudices are likely to be experienced firsthand when you hold one of these identities. Understand that by being openly nonbinary or transgender, you and/or your partner are showing your authentic selves to a world that is at times unaccepting. Being there for one another when others may not always respond with kindness is a top priority.

Mutual support as a couple can look like using each others’ preferred pronouns, using each others’ preferred names, and being receptive to each others’ needs as you both move through this change. Attending couples therapy is a way to be more open about your struggles and learn how to more fully step into practicing affirmative behavior. When looked at from a perspective of growth, transition processes have the potential to bring you and your partner closer together as a pair.

Help is Available

You and your partner do not have to go through transition alone. Professionals and others who are having similar experiences are available to you no matter where you are in your journey. Engaging in therapy, whether it be as a couple or as individuals, is an act of self-care and self-compassion during a life altering time. Reaching out for community support is similarly a method of normalizing the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that may be occurring.

Gender affirming care is a crucial piece of finding meaningful and effective support. Qualities to look for in a licensed therapist are detailed below.

What to Consider When Looking for a Therapist

There are therapists who have received special training in gender affirming care and/or are members of the nonbinary or transgender communities. These therapists may be better suited to hear and respond to you and your partner’s experiences than a therapist who does not focus in nonbinary and transgender issues. Personality fit has continuously been shown to be the most important component in a relationship between a client and a therapist, so this should also be taken into account. Questions to ask a potential therapist include:

• What is your experience providing nonbinary and transgender couples therapy?
• What is your philosophy on and approach to therapy?
• Do you take social and political factors into account in the therapy room?
• Why are you interested in the nonbinary and transgender communities?
• What is your personal experience with the nonbinary and transgender communities?
• Do you actively practice affirming behavior and gender affirming care?

The Couples Center offers access to LGBTQ+ identifying and LGBTQ+ affirming licensed therapists. These therapists center their practice on understanding your individual experience and needs. If you and your partner are looking to meet with professionals who really get you, look no further. Fill out our intake forms by clicking here today!