You’re spending time with someone in a romantic way. There is a physical component. Once in a while, it might feel emotional too. However, your situation is hard to describe because it doesn’t fit the definition of a typical relationship. You don’t talk about the future together, nor do you have deep conversations, but you do enjoy each other’s company. You’re not sure where you stand with the other person.

If you can identify, you’re probably in a “situationship”.

Definition of Situationship and Dating

A situationship is a term for a romantic relationship that lacks commitment. It is a relationship that’s undefined and doesn’t have the normal expectations and communication level that committed relationships have. A situationship can be found on the spectrum somewhere between a “friends with benefits” situation and a committed relationship.

Situationships tend to be:

• Circumstantial
• Convenient
• Uncommitted
• Uncertain
• Ambivalent
• Nonmonogamous

Situationships and dating are not the same. So what then makes dating different? Dating has intention. It’s typically the start of a committed relationship, dependent on the success of the dating phase. You can think of dating as searching for someone to become committed with. There is such a thing as casual dating, with fewer expectations. Situationships are looser than casual dating.

Situationships: The Grey Area Between Friendship and Commitment

While situationships closely resemble “friends with benefits” situations, communication and expectation set them apart. With “friends with benefits” the two people usually talk about the fact that their relationship will be sexual but not emotional. There’s an agreement on what expectations are put in place. In situationships, there is virtually no communication about boundaries so it’s more likely that someone will develop feelings and thus be hurt.

Lack of Commitment and Exclusivity

Neither party is all in and without defined labels, each person is free to keep their options open, whatever that may mean. While they may be physical with one person on a regular basis it’s typically done on the side. They still describe themselves as single which means they can be with other people too.

Undefined Boundaries and Expectations

Without any clear boundaries or expectations, people in situationships often feel uncertain or confused about what their relationship is. Typically communication is poor in these situations which allows assumptions to run wild. People can feel confused about their own emotions, especially when they feel unable to share them with the other person.

Benefits and Drawbacks of a Situationship

Situationships are the ideal scenario for some people, depending on what you want. Situationships offer companionship along with independence. You can find companionship with another person while also enjoying your freedom. You can have your sexual needs met while being open to other people as well. Things are more compartmentalized than they are in a more defined relationship. One main benefit of a situationship is convenience. It can be the perfect scenario for someone with a busy lifestyle, especially if they travel a lot or someone who dislikes or is afraid of commitment.

Maybe you just don’t know what you want right now, but you know you want someone to share time with. Being in a gray area can seem like a negative thing, but it can also help you grow by helping you identify what you do and do not want. It can also test your communication skills, especially if you decide you want more from the situation.

Undefined relationships are not inherently bad, so long as both people are on the same page. However, if one person wants more from the other, a situationship can become toxic.

When Situationships Become Toxic

As stated previously, situationships become problematic when one person wants more. That person may struggle with insecurity and confusion as to why the other person will not give them more. Because communication is poor in a situationship, the expecting person may continue getting hurt, hoping that the other person will eventually commit. This results in one person being used. Person A has decided that they get everything they want from the situationship and therefore they don’t need to change their status. They’ve done a cost-benefit analysis. They’ve decided there’s no need to progress from situationship to relationship. There is simply no incentive for them to do so.

Person B on the other hand is left with unmet needs. They feel dissatisfied and may begin feeling like they are being disrespected because they are allowing themselves to stay in a situation that does not satisfy them.

For example, Person A likes that if they’re feeling lonely they can message Person B to come over. Person A also likes that they still have other options. They can go out and identify as single and possibly hook up with other people. They may be active on dating apps.

Person B, can tell that they are holding back, but they believe that they can get Person A to commit. They attempt to convince them that they are relationship material by taking them out on dates, cooking for them, sharing personal information, or introducing them to important people in their lives.

Signs That You Are in a Situationship

Situationships are not clear cut. They can be confusing, so much so that you may not realize that you’re in one.

Signs you’re in a situationship include:

• You’re scared to show your feelings because you think that will threaten your relationship
• Conversations are fairly shallow or surface level
• You don’t go on “real” dates together
• The relationship doesn’t seem to grow
• Plans are not made in advance but out of convenience
• One or both people are dating or hooking up with other people
• How often you see each other is inconsistent
• Sex is either a big part or the main part of your relationship
• You haven’t defined your relationship or talked about the subject
• You haven’t met the important people in each other’s lives

Limited communication About Future Plans

If you haven’t had any big picture talks, this is a sign that your situation is stagnant. Does it feel like a day by day sitation with constant uncertainlty about the future? The absence of future plans is a sign that participants don’t anticipate a move towards something more significant.

Inconsistent Emotional Connection

Signs of inconsistent or unequal emotional connection in a situationship:

• Inconsistent communication: One partner may be slow to respond to messages or avoid serious conversations.
• Inconsistent behavior: One partner may be affectionate one minute and indifferent the next.
• Lack of clarity: Partners may feel unsure about where they stand in the relationship.
• Lack of security: Partners may experience emotional intimacy but without the validation

Inconsistencies like this can have a significant impact on a person’s mental health. Over time the situation can lead to feelings of anxiety and/or depression.

The Path Towards Commitment and Long-Term Relationships

It is possible to transition out of a situationship and into a committed, long-term relationship. In order to progress into a relationship, you’ll have to have a lot of open, honest conversations. Expectations and boundaries will need to be redefined (or perhaps just created). The other person may not want the same thing as you, but there’s only one way to find out, and it beats waiting around with no change in sight.

If the other person wants what you want, you’ll need to make a lot of changes, though it’s best to do that gradually. The transition doesn’t happen overnight.

How to Grow a Situationship Into a Relationship

Have deep conversations: Go deep. Talk about your values, hopes, and dreams. Share your background and trade stories. Ask questions and be vulnerable.

Let them enter your world: Be each other’s plus one. Invite them out with you and your friends. Introduce them to your people.

Go on dates: Go public. Instead of private late-night meetups, plan activities to do together and get to know each other better.

Talk about your desires: Identify each other’s love language and then go beyond it. Get to know your partner’s needs and uncover their desires. And don’t be afraid to share yours with them. Find out how your partner wants to receive love.