Do you feel like your relationship is less of a two-way street and more of a one-way street through a town devoted entirely to your partner? Is it hard to rely on them, trust them, or be comforted by them? Are you exhausted by the responsibility to satisfy them at all times, and on their terms? Maybe you’re wondering who you married because your partner has changed so much, and not for the better.

Calling someone a narcissist is a common insult to describe someone seemingly vain and/or selfish. The label is sometimes tossed around to encompass general rude behavior. But a narcissist is more than a person who talks only about themselves. A narcissist isn’t necessarily that person posting hundreds of photos of themselves online or the person who loves to brag and put others down.

Narcissism comes in varying degrees. There are specific things that all narcissists do, but doing some of these doesn’t necessarily make you a narcissist. A relationship with a narcissist can be trying at best and can take a real toll on the partner. If you suspect your partner is a narcissist, it’s important to know the signs.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

We all may show narcissistic traits from time to time. Some people have narcissistic behavior more than others. And then there are people with narcissism as a mental health condition, known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It falls into the category of personality disorders.

The DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, DSM-5), lists symptoms as a long pattern of grandiosity, excessive need for admiration, disregard for others’ feelings, an inability to handle any criticism, and a sense of entitlement. A diagnosis of NPD would apply if those symptoms have been present since adolescence (or early adulthood), and now affect multiple areas of one’s life.

NPD is estimated to affect less than 5% of the population. It is much more common in men. Someone with this diagnosis will come across as self-absorbed, but people with NPD actually have extremely low self-worth. All people with narcissistic tendencies have a fragile ego underneath their conceited facade.

You can have narcissistic tendencies without having NPD because narcissism exists on a spectrum. People who are at the highest end of the spectrum are those that are classified as NPD, but others with narcissistic traits may fall on the lower end of the narcissistic spectrum.

Why are some people narcissistic?

It’s not fully understood why some people are narcissistic, but it seems to be a combination of nature, nurture, and neurobiology (the connection between the brain and behavior).

Possible factors contributing to narcissism include:

• Childhood trauma
• Early relationships with family, caregivers, and friends
• Genetics
• Personality and temperament

What are the types of narcissism?

There are two main types of narcissism. They are thought to be determined based on the person’s upbringing.

Grandiose Narcissism

This type of narcissism is likely a result of people treating them as special and superior when they were a child. People with grandiose narcissism are overly confident and will exploit others for self-gain. They can also be aggressive, especially if questioned.

Vulnerable Narcissism

This type of narcissism is likely a result of childhood abuse or neglect. This type of narcissism is more difficult to identify. Also known as covert narcissism, people with this are more sensitive. They tend to be introverted and are unaware of how their behavior impacts others. These people are prone to depression and depression-related symptoms.

Signs That Your Spouse is a Narcissist

You can have narcissistic tendencies without having NPD because narcissism exists on a spectrum. People who are at the highest end of the spectrum are those that are classified as NPD, but others with narcissistic traits may fall on the lower end of the narcissistic spectrum.

• They have little to no empathy

Narcissists are known to have low empathy for others. They might be highly aware that they are uncaring towards people. They have a hard time seeing people as different from themselves, which makes having empathy a real challenge. If your spouse is a narcissist, they’ll show little concern for your feelings. They’re not likely to provide emotional support. Apologies will be hard to come by. If you do get one, it might be far from sincere. You might find yourself repeatedly questioning whether they love or care for you.

• Manipulative behavior

Narcissists can use their charm as a way to pressure you into something you don’t want to do. They may try to make you feel guilty, and paint you as the “bad guy” for not giving in. They might use micromanipulation, or small ways of intentionally garnering sympathy, as a way to control you.

• Failure to recognize you

Not only do they not support their partner’s emotional needs, but narcissists also fail to do things that don’t serve them. They’re unlikely to help out around the house. If you have children, they might have a hard time showing any kind of genuine care. You’re likely to be carrying significantly more than them, and they’re not likely to acknowledge it. They won’t give you credit when credit is deserved. They may even take credit for something good you did.

• They have a constant need for compliments

Narcissists are always fishing for compliments. They can never have enough praise from others. They’ll also act out a humble brag in hopes it’ll result in people showering them with accolades. They might expect you to indulge in the praise. If you’re not giving them that constant reassurance they’re likely to be upset.

• They feel superior

Arrogance and narcissism go hand in hand. A narcissist will think they are better than most other people. They believe they are special. Therefore they expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations. They may be disrespectful to people they view as “below them”. They may want to associate only with people of “high status”. They want people to acknowledge their superiority, even though they haven’t done anything that warrants special treatment.

Narcissists have a strong sense of entitlement. This can mean they think they’re always right, and you’re always wrong. They might expect you to tend to all of their needs. If they are in a bad mood, for example, it is up to you to fix it.

• They overspend

A narcissistic partner may try to keep their finances a secret from you. A narcissist will buy things to match the lifestyle they think they deserve. They may rack up the credit card bill with purchases that are out of their means. Because they feel entitled and see themselves as special, they will want things that match that idea. If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist that can greatly affect you. Often they forgo essential items like food and other household necessities. If you have a shared bank account, they may drain it with unnecessary things like brand-name clothing that they see as important for appearances. They may buy a luxury car as a status symbol. They may spend money on other people, but only in public so that they look good.

• You don’t feel connected

Narcissists cannot “put themselves in your shoes”. They cannot understand your joy or your pain. They won’t ask you how you’re feeling. They won’t ask about your day. If you’re married to a narcissist, you might feel very alone.

• You’re walking on eggshells around them

A narcissistic partner may have you stuck in a state of constant anxiety, worried that you’ll do or say something to upset them. Narcissists are unpredictable, so you may not know what will trigger them next.

• They’re a different person with you

If your partner is narcissistic they might be one way with you and completely different around others. Unlucky for you, you’ll see the worst side of them. Other people might like them because they put on their charm and say and do things to impress others. This can be especially frustrating for you because other people don’t see the problem the way you do.

Can a Marriage Last With a Narcissist?

Marriage with a narcissist is exhausting, to say the least. And in some cases, it’s abusive. If you’re married to a narcissist you’re probably feeling frustrated, disconnected, taken advantage of, or maybe even scared or hopeless.

It is important to remember that narcissism has varying degrees. For a lot of narcissists, admitting flaws and taking responsibility is extremely difficult. But others are willing to make changes to save the relationship. One thing that’s sure to help you and your relationship is whether your partner is willing to get help.

Sometimes the partner plays a role in what can be described as a “system of narcissism”. In this system, the partner is self-sacrificing. They try to accommodate their partner and they fail to set limits. They’re often afraid to confront the narcissist in order to avoid big blowouts. Therefore, the marriage remains. It’s usually not the narcissist who decides to end the marriage.

The partner of the narcissist needs to consider how they are willing to live with the behavior. Individual therapy for each person can help. For the partner, focus would be on strengthening their sense of self. For the narcissist, it would be to work on their issues. Couples therapy can also be beneficial. It’s most helpful when the partner is willing to take a hardline approach, risking the relationship. “Either you change, or I’m out”. If the narcissist is willing to attend couples therapy, is a good sign. Willingness to attend individual therapy is more promising for the relationship.

Individual Therapy

The go-to treatment for narcissism is talk therapy aka psychotherapy. Therapy can help your spouse understand the causes of their thoughts and why they behave the way they do. It can help them relate to other people and accept responsibility. A therapist may want to include you in some of the sessions.

Medication

There are no medications specifically for narcissism, but if other mental health conditions are present, medication may be helpful.