A controlling relationship can take a big toll on both your mental health and physical health. A controlling relationship usually means there’s a significant lack of trust and respect. In a nutshell, it is a power imbalance with one partner ruling over the other.

How do you know you’re in a controlling relationship? While it may seem obvious, that’s not always the case. The controlling partner may use less aggressive tactics of control. The control can be subtle, which is why some people end up in controlling relationships without seeing the signs.

What is Controlling Behavior in a Relationship?

Controlling behavior refers to actions or attitudes that seek to dominate or manipulate another person’s thoughts, feelings, or actions. This can be demonstrated in various ways, such as dictating how someone should act, isolating them from others, monitoring their activities, or making decisions for them without consent. Controlling behavior often comes from a desire for power or it can be the result of insecurity. Controlling behavior can take place in personal relationships, in the workplace, or in other social contexts. It can be highly destructive to the well-being and autonomy of the person being controlled.

Reasons a Partner is Controlling

There are various reasons why a partner might exhibit controlling behavior in a relationship. Understanding the hidden reasons can help address and resolve controlling behaviors in a healthy way. However, keep in mind that no matter the reason, it doesn’t excuse the behavior.

Here are 10 common explanations why a partner might be controlling

1. Insecurity: Some controlling partners act out of a sense of emotional fragility and heightened vulnerability. They may show traits of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Sometimes their insecurity causes them to feel threatened by perceived competition.
2. Fear of Abandonment: Past experiences of abandonment can lead to clinginess and controlling behavior as a way to prevent losing their partner.
3. Low Self-Esteem: People with low self-esteem may control their partner to feel a sense of power or validation.
4. Desire for Power: Some people simply have a natural inclination to dominate or control. It can stem from personal traits or be the result of learned behaviors.
5. Cultural or Familial Influences: A partner may have had an upbringing or experienced cultural norms that emphasized control in relationships. It was what they saw as a normal dynamic in relationships, or it was indirectly passed down to them.
6. Cultural or Familial Influences: A partner may have had an upbringing or experienced cultural norms that emphasized control in relationships. It was what they saw as a normal dynamic in relationships, or it was indirectly passed down to them.
7. Lack of Trust: Distrust can lead to a need for control, as a partner may feel the need to monitor their significant other’s actions.
8. Past Trauma: Previous experiences of betrayal or trauma can manifest as controlling behavior in an attempt to create a sense of safety.
9. Communication Issues: Poor communication skills can lead to misunderstandings, prompting a partner to control situations instead of discussing concerns openly.
10. Desire for Stability: The partner may genuinely believe that controlling behaviors will lead to a more stable and predictable relationship.
11. Mental Health Issues: Conditions like anxiety or obsessive-compulsive disorder can lead to controlling behaviors as a coping mechanism.

What Are the Red Flags of Controlling Behavior?

Controlling behavior once identified, should give you pause. It indicates a lack of mutual respect and equality, which are necessary, important pieces of a healthy relationship. Controlling behavior also takes away the person’s independence, making them feel powerless by diminishing their ability to make their own choices. Recognizing the signs of controlling behavior early on can help people make informed decisions about their relationships and prioritize their well-being.

When it comes to controlling behavior, there are a number of signs to look out for:

You Feel Bad for Hanging Out With Family or Friends

A controlling partner will try to isolate you from other people. They may shame you for spending time with other people, making you believe that they just want to spend a lot of time with you. However, if they‘re not supportive of you spending time with other important people in your life, it is control. A healthy relationship on the other hand encourages maintaining relationships with others.

Isolation is usually the first thing a controlling partner will try to do. They might complain about your family members. They might accuse you of talking to your mom too much. Or they may tell you that your best friend isn’t a good influence and that you shouldn’t hang out with them anymore.

They Accuse you of Flirting and Cheating

At first, a partner’s jealousy can feel flattering. But constant accusations and paranoia are not only exhausting but unhealthy.

A controlling partner may perceive close to every interaction you have as being flirtatious. They may also be suspicious or threatened by the people you come in contact with. The partner may view a polite smile or friendly conversation as something more than what it is. A controlling partner is trying to put you on the defensive.

You’re Constantly Being Criticized

They make negative remarks about the little things you do, capitalizing on any opportunity to bring you down so that you feel less than. They’re quick to point out mistakes and may criticize you in public, making jokes about you with other people. A controlling partner will make you feel bad about your quirks, which can erode your self-esteem.

You Don’t Have Privacy

A controlling partner doesn’t respect boundaries. They might check your phone, read your messages, listen to your calls, or go through your things. This is an invasion of privacy. In healthy relationships, you’re given space because trust and respect is present.

In a controlling relationship, the partner might track your whereabouts or request constant check-ins. They may ask you to share all your passwords, turning it on you: “If you have nothing to hide, then you wouldn’t have a problem with it”.

You Can’t Make Independent Decisions

A controlling partner tends to make decisions for you. Joint decisions are few and far between, and you’re opinion doesn’t hold much weight compared to theirs. This can be seen when making social plans, parenting decisions, or purchases. An example could be a partner telling you what you’re doing for the weekend or ordering your food for you at a restaurant.

You’re Being Gaslighted

A controlling partner will twist your experience around so that you question your reality. For example, they may angrily yell at you for something like not responding to a text right away and then when you tell them you don’t appreciate their yelling, they might say you are “too sensitive”. Gaslighting turns things around so that the problem is not them anymore but you. Another example could be calling you an insulting name and when you express hurt they tell you it was “just a joke” and you are “too sensitive”.

You’re Micromanaged

In a controlling relationship, your partner prevents you from doing things your way. A controlling partner will dictate many things in your life such as the following:

• What you should eat
• What you should wear (and other requests about your appearance)
• Where you can go (and when)
• How you spend your money.

They’re Overprotective

There’s protective – concern for your partner’s well-being through support. Ensuring they feel safe and cared for. And there’s over-protective – trying to dictate your partner’s decisions, activities, or relationships out of insecurity and/or lack of trust. Overprotection is not out of love and care, but control.

Signs of overprotection from a partner include:

• Jealousy over friends and family
• Becoming upset when you don’t respond to calls or messages right away
• Creating a diet for you to follow
• Insisting on driving you places
• Policing what you wear

You Feel Unheard and/or Undervalued

Your partner dominates conversations or dismisses your opinions, leading you to feel unheard or undervalued. A controlling partner is unable or unwilling to hear your point of view. They interrupt you and you can’t remember the last time they asked you a genuine question like, “How do you feel about that?” or “How was your day?” and actually listened to your answer.

They Withhold Affection

A controlling partner uses affection or emotional support as a tool for manipulation, withdrawing it to punish or control the other person’s behavior.

They Make Acceptance/Caring/Attraction conditional

“If you lose weight, I’ll want to have sex with you more often.” “I won’t marry you unless you take that job.” Showing support only if it’s convenient. Complimenting only when around others. All of these are signs that their love is dependent on other things, not just who you are.

What they are saying is that right now you are not good enough. This is a common theme of many controlling relationships.

They Hold Financial Authority

A controlling partner would manage all finances, limiting the other’s access to money or financial information.

Emotional Manipulation

The partner uses guilt, threats, or emotional outbursts to influence the other person’s behavior.

What to Do If You’re in a Controlling Relationship

If you recognize the signs of controlling relationships in your own relationship, the next step is to do something about it.

• Reflect on Your Feelings: Take time to properly sort out your feelings and think about how the relationship affects your well-being.
• Reach Out for Support: Talk to trusted people in your life like friends or family about your situation. Sometimes an outside perspective can provide clarity and validation.
• Set Boundaries: If you feel safe doing so, communicate your needs and establish clear boundaries. Be firm but respectful about what is acceptable and what is not.
• Seek Professional Help: Consider speaking with a therapist. They can offer guidance, free of judgment, coping strategies, and a safe space to explore your feelings.
• Educate Yourself: Learn about healthy relationship dynamics. Understanding what a balanced partnership looks like can empower you to make informed decisions for yourself.
• Develop a Safety Plan: If you decide to leave the relationship, make a plan on how to do it safely. This might include having a safe place to go and finding resources.
• Know Your Worth: Remind yourself that you deserve respect and autonomy in a relationship. Remind yourself that control is not love. Prioritize your safety and well-being above all else.
• Consider Professional Resources: Look into organizations that specialize in helping those in controlling or abusive relationships such as thehotline.org. They can provide valuable support and resources.