Signs of an Emotionally Withdrawn Partner
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Signs of an Emotionally Withdrawn Partner
Have you noticed your relationship growing more distant? Is your partner spending time by themselves, working, or with friends at the expense of your connection? Are these patterns of behavior provoking worry and anxiety within you? If so, you may be dealing with someone who is emotionally withdrawn.
Emotional withdrawal is often painful. As humans, we all have needs around bonding and intimacy in our close relationships. You may be uncertain as to why your partner is pulling back in a way that allows these needs to go unmet. Understanding the causes, signs, and ways to reattune with an emotionally withdrawn partner are important steps in healing this dynamic.
What Causes Emotional Withdrawal in Relationships?
There is no singular cause for emotional withdrawal in relationships. Those who become emotionally withdrawn do so for different reasons, and there may be more than one factor at play. Experiencing disconnection in your partnership can be activating. However, practicing curiosity is likely to lead to more fulfilling conversations about the root causes of emotional withdrawal. A few items to consider include:
Insecure Attachment
Attachment styles begin to develop early in life based on our relationship with our primary caregivers. They are additionally influenced by the qualities of the adult relationships we engage in. A partner who is emotionally withdrawn may struggle with traits of an avoidant attachment style. In this attachment style, freedom is prioritized through the need for space and independence. Partners of someone with an avoidant attachment style might question their importance in the relationship.
Being in a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style is more difficult if you have an anxious attachment style. Your need for reassurance and craving for connection can trigger your partner into further emotional withdrawal. Keep in mind that neither of these attachment styles are bad or wrong. They are adaptive responses to your past environments that are no longer serving you. Working with a couples therapist on understanding and shifting unhelpful attachment dynamics can help you build the partnership you desire.
Ongoing Relational Issues
Relationships require tough discussions. They bring up core wounds for both you and your partner. Healthy relating asks you to identify and work through the issues that are provoked by these wounds while also making room for excitement, fun, and play. That’s a tall order! It’s common to get stuck sometimes, which can lead to communication challenges and periods of feeling emotionally withdrawn.
Thinking that suppressing feelings of anger, sadness, or upset with one another is better than expressing them can continue cycles of disconnect. The full spectrum of emotion comes up in relationships, especially those that are long term. Learning how to pinpoint where you are struggling and be open about what those struggles bring up is a way of reestablishing closeness. Remember that this takes two – an emotionally withdrawn partner must also commit to growth in order to create sustainable change.
Mental Health Struggles
Unaddressed mental health struggles are often overwhelming and tough to cope with. An emotionally withdrawn partner may be facing depression and anxiety or another mental health condition that is causing them to isolate. They may be plagued with fears that they are alone, unworthy, or not good enough. Being honest with you about the ways their mental health is impacting their sense of self and emotional availability may feel daunting.
Know that your partner’s mental health struggles are not your fault. Creating a supportive environment for addressing everyone’s concerns can make it easier to talk through these topics. Your partner’s mental health is also not something the two of you have to hold space for by yourselves. Enrolling in both individual and couples therapy is a way of getting professional insight into how mental health and emotional withdrawal are related.
Trauma History
Emotional withdrawal is a coping mechanism for some people who have experienced trauma. This is particularly true if the trauma occurred in childhood, a time when the only way to stay safe may have been to become emotionally withdrawn. The trauma responses developed carry over to later points in our lives when they are not processed. Regardless of how your relationship is going, your partner may find themselves responding from a place of threat or fear.
Trauma processing is another area where therapy is critical. A therapist who is trauma-informed and adept with working through trauma responses can aid in resolving the roots of emotional withdrawal. While it is okay to bring up trauma therapy to your partner, they need to be ready for the work. Getting to a place where your partner feels consistently safe forming an emotional bond with you is a process that takes time, effort, and patience.
Signs Your Partner is Emotionally Withdrawn
Although emotional withdrawal looks different for everyone, there are several common signs that emotionally withdrawn partners display. Examining your own feelings is equally as important as looking at your partner’s behavior. Taking the time to sit with both can provide greater insight into your situation. Signs to watch for include:
Conversations are Surface Level
An emotionally withdrawn partner might prefer to keep things light. They might be adept at holding conversations about what happened during their day, the latest news, or the weather. However, when faced with depth, they might shy away or shut down. A pattern of emotional withdrawal makes it difficult to identify and express what is truly going on for them.
They Dismiss Your Feelings
Because an emotionally withdrawn partner is often unaware of what they are feeling, they tend to be dismissive toward your feelings as well. Attempts to express yourself seem as though they are not being acknowledged, heard, and responded to. You might become frustrated and find yourself wanting to either make increased demands of your partner or withdraw as well.
There is a Lack of Quality Time
Quality time spent together leads to increased emotional intimacy and connectedness. There is bonding that occurs over shared experiences. An emotionally withdrawn part may avoid quality time due to a desire to avoid the relational growth and togetherness that comes with it. Time together might feel routine, such as watching television after work. Your partner might also devote more time to projects, work, or hobbies than to the relationship.
You Often Feel Anxious
Anxiety is a human response to the sense that your partner is pulling away. Not knowing what is going on for them can cause you to ruminate. You might wonder if there is something wrong, what they are spending their time doing, or if their emotional withdrawal is your fault. While your thoughts are not facts, the underlying feelings are important to listen to. A consistent sense of anxiety is a sign that there needs to be a shift in the relationship dynamic.
Sex and Physical Intimacy are Suffering
Emotional withdrawal is not a standalone issue. Having an emotionally withdrawn partner will cause other areas of the relationship to suffer as well. This is commonly present in the areas of sex and physical intimacy. There is a large emotional component to physical fulfillment – it is difficult to stay present, interested, and engaged when you and your partner are otherwise disconnected.
Their Investment in the Partnership is Uncertain
An emotionally withdrawn partner is likely to have trouble expressing their continued investment in your relationship. Their actions might not align with their words. For example, they might state that they are committed to being with you, however display an inability to do the work that healthy relationships take. If you are someone who is dedicated to your own growth, you might sense that your partner is not growing alongside you.
Dealing With an Emotionally Withdrawn Partner
Once you know the causes and signs of an emotionally withdrawn partner, how do you take action? Dealing with emotional withdrawal can look multiple ways. On a foundational level, establishing communication and doing a deeper dive into patterns is key. Working with a professional also has excellent benefits. Suggestions for approaching these areas are:
Open Up Communication
Emotional withdrawal leads to trouble holding honest dialogue with your partner. Conversations typically feel one-sided, strained, or stifled. Getting to a place where lines of communication are open is critical for coming back together as a team. One way of going about this is to lead with curiosity. If your emotionally withdrawn partner feels that they will be heard and respected, they may be more willing to engage.
Listening to your partner’s needs when they are engaging and expressing them is equally as important. For example, your partner may request time to process what they are feeling or healthy space. Demanding connectedness before your partner is ready to share exacerbates withdrawal rather than alleviates it. Connection increases when you are both grounded, available, and aware of what is going on for you.
Identify Patterns
It’s common to get stuck in relationship patterns that are no longer serving you or your partner. This can happen because of early life experiences, dynamics with past partners, or natural tendencies. Acknowledging how these patterns contribute to emotional withdrawal is the first step toward breaking out of them. You and your partner can also begin to explore more productive, fulfilling ways of showing up for one another.
Note that your relational patterns did not develop overnight, and will not change overnight. For example, you may have learned to become critical and demanding when faced with a fear of abandonment. Your partner may have learned to become even more emotionally withdrawn in the face of criticism and demands. Neither of these responses are your fault. However, in taking responsibility from a place of patience and self-compassion, there is opportunity for growth.
Restore Balance
Maybe you have spent a lot of time focusing on your emotionally withdrawn partner. Questions such as, “Why are they behaving this way? What can I do?” might take up a lot of space in your mind. Maybe your emotionally withdrawn partner has spent a lot of time on activities outside of the relationship. Their emotional disengagement might also manifest as physical disengagement. Restoring the balance in the relationship can be a way of promoting connection.
Instead of putting all your attention on your partner, invest in your own goals. Instead of your partner putting all their attention outside of the relationship, request an effort to spend quality time. A healthy mix of both allows each person to have their sense of self and a sense of being able to rely on one another in the partnership.
Seek Professional Help
Attempting to juggle all of the above on your own can feel like a monumental task. There is no shame in needing professional help in order for you and your partner to grow, change, and reattune to one another as a pair. A trained couples therapist is a listening ear that provides guidance in moving beyond emotional withdrawal. An individual therapist provides a safe space for each of you to process the individual impact of one partner being emotionally withdrawn.
Beyond therapy, enrolling in couples intensives or communication classes is a way of gaining further insight into your situation. A
