What is the issue?

It’s a difference in fundamental values. Neither one of you is right or wrong. However, changing your stance in an attempt to save the relationship is not a good idea. It’s succumbing. You could try to convince yourself that you don’t actually want a baby. Or worse, you could try to convince them to come around. In either scenario, resentment is bound to take over your relationship.

Alternatives to Leaving Your Partner Who Does Not Want a Baby

Consider being foster parents
This option isn’t for everyone. But if you both like kids, becoming a foster parent could bring clarity. Essentially, fostering is a way to try out parenthood. This could be a good option when someone in the relationship is ambivalent about having kids of their own.
When you have a baby, it’s forever, but when you foster, it’s temporary. You’ll get to experience the dynamic of you and your partner as parents. This can help your partner make up their mind. In addition, it can clue you in on what type of parent they would be. Just as important, you’d be helping a child in need. You could decide to foster long-term or adopt with, or without your partner.

Consider adopting an older child
Depending on what the reasons were against having a baby, adopting could be a compromise. For example, if fear of body changes or the reluctance to take care of an infant were reasons.

Interview other couples
Talk with other couples that may have been in the same boat as you and ask them
questions. St down with couples that have gone either way to help both you and your
partner gain perspective and open up new conversations.

Open Communication and Negotiation

It’s imperative that you and your partner have lengthy conversations (if you haven’t already) about what having a child would be like and that each of you is able to fully express concerns. The hard conversations have to happen. You cannot just rely on time. In fact, time is working against you if you’re goal is to have a baby.

Tips for talking about having a baby with your partner:

• Hear what they’re saying.

If your partner tells you they do not want kids, believe them. Don’t assume that will eventually change or twist their words to mean something easier to hear.

• Dig deeper.

Listening carefully to your partner will allow you to ask the right questions and find the underlying reason why they don’t want kids.

In this situation, a yes or no answer is not enough. You’ll need to get to the why. It might help to know the big reasons why some people say no to kids. After identifying what their concerns are, you may be able to have a more productive conversation. Knowing what it is that’s holding them back would allow you to understand where they’re coming from. From there, you could gently question what they see as barriers and possibly get them to see a new perspective.

Possible reasons why your partner may be hesitant about having children:

• Childhood issues

Some people are against having kids if they had a bad childhood themselves, especially if abuse was involved. Lots of people have unresolved issues with a parent that spans into adulthood. They may want to make sure they don’t repeat an unhealthy pattern.

• Lifestyle change

Let’s face it, your life changes when a baby comes along. Some people are unwilling to cut back on things like travel, hobbies, and creative pursuits.

• Fear of responsibility/commitment

There’s no greater responsibility than parenting a child. That, along with the relationship with the other parent lasts forever. That can feel overwhelming for people.

• Finances

Raising a child requires a good chunk of change, no matter how you spin it. There’s childcare, one less income, college, and everything in between. Even if you are
financially sound, having kids can mean less financial freedom.

• Career

Maybe your partner feels passionate about their career. Some people feel like they’ve worked too hard to get to where they are in their career for it to be compromised.

Additional reasons for not wanting children:

• Fertility issues
• Body issues
• Overpopulation and the state of the world
• Not feeling maternal/paternal

Remember that not everyone will or should become a parent. Although society’s view may be that it’s wrong or selfish not to have kids, it’s an extremely personal decision. At the same time, it’s only fair that your partner opens up to you about their feelings on the topic. No matter what the outcome, both of you should have a thorough understanding of where the other stands. There shouldn’t be unanswered questions. This will require a lot of lengthy conversations.

Examine your desire for a baby

Your partner shouldn’t be the only one answering the hard questions. It’s important you look at your reasons for wanting a baby. Specifically, ask yourself whether your desire for a baby is connected or separate from your relationship. Did you want a baby prior to the relationship? Has your relationship been shaky? Are you hoping to improve your relationship with the arrival of a baby? Sometimes a sudden urge to have a baby can be
more about the relationship than the desire to be a parent.

Are you conflict-avoidant?

Couples (or partners) who are conflict-avoidant tend to brush issues or sensitive topics under the rug. There are many reasons why someone might be conflict-avoidant in their relationship.

Common reasons include:

• fear of the relationship ending
• reluctance to pick a fight
• anxiety around being vulnerable
• fear of getting into a screaming match or being yelled at
• fear of being dismissed
• fear of experiencing gaslighting
• concern for all unresolved issues resurfacing
• fear of having your partner be mad at you
• fear of discovering the problem is unsolvable
• fear of being misunderstood
• fear of being rejected
• fear of nothing changing

While these concerns and fears are real, so is the threat of ending up unsatisfied when it comes to your overarching life goals. Not facing the issue at hand could be
detrimental to your overall happiness and leave you with a mountain of regret. 

Should you stay or go?

Deciding whether or not you should leave the relationship will require a lot of introspection. Asking yourself the following questions can help you gain clarity:

What are you willing to sacrifice?
You’ll need to decide if your wanting a baby supersedes your relationship, and vice versa. You may love your partner, but is that love enough?

Can you accept your partner’s “no”?
Maybe you’ve decided to put your relationship before a baby. The next question iswhether you’ll resent your partner for that. Is the sacrifice you made something you’ll hang over their head? Do you feel like your partner will forever owe you? If so, your relationship is likely to fall apart.

Picture your future life
Visualize your future life with a baby and ask yourself the following questions:

• What are the positive aspects of this life?
• What are the negative aspects of this life?
• Which affects you on a visceral level?
• Which is ruled by fear?
• Which is ruled by desire?

Now visualize your future life without a baby and ask the same questions. Have your partner do the same, and share.

Seeking Professional Help from a Family Therapist

Deciding whether to have children can involve tense discussions. A therapist can help you get to the root of your fears and desires. A therapist serves as a nonjudgemental mediator who can guide you through those tough, but crucial conversations. They can help you see whether or not you can continue on the same path together or take different ones.

Final Thoughts on Leaving Your Partner Because They Don’t Want a Baby

In the end, you need to make the decision that’s best for you. Stick to your values as an individual. If it’s important for you to become a parent, don’t give that up. Communicate openly and honestly with your partner. If having children is a non-negotiable let them know that! Typically, ultimatums should be avoided in relationships, but in this case, it’s important you’ve put it all on the line.