If you discover that your partner is having an affair, does it mean that the relationship is over? For many couples, the belief is that discovering an affair means the relationship is over. However, it depends on the reasons for the affair, and the current communication style within the relationship. Often times, recovery is possible with time, communication, and willingness to rediscover your partner.
One obvious reason people decide to look outside of their relationship is to seek more exciting sexual experiences. They may feel that their relationship does not provide enough sex or that sex has become boring, non-existent. Though one partner feels their needs are not being met, they might have failed to notice the other might be feeling the same way.
A most likely reason for affairs is that emotional needs are not being satisfied in the relationship. Michele Weiner-Davis addresses this issue in her book, Healing from Infidelity. If one feels that distant from one’s primary partner, then, seeking an affair partner may appear so alluring. Loneliness may drop away as the affair partner provides attention and validation. If communication has broken down with the primary partner, the new partner may appear to be nonjudgmental and willing to listen. The unfaithful spouse is usually seeking an emotional and sexual connection with another person. Affairs can provide excitement which may be lacking in the primary relationship or marriage.
When one partner discovers an affair of their current partner, it is typically a time of acute crisis and hurt for the couple. This is typically the time the couple seeks couple therapy. My role during this initial phase with the couple is to help them get through the hurt and pain of this crisis. I assign them to read the book Healing from Infidelity, by Michele Weiner-Davis, with the betrayed partner, assigned to Chapter 3, “The Betrayed Spouse’s Tasks” and the unfaithful partner to read Chapter 4, “The Unfaithful Spouse’s Tasks.” In most situations, I recommend to the unfaithful partner how to end the affair and to share evidence of the ending of the non-primary relationship with their primary partner. I provide guidance about how much detail should be shared with the primary partner. For the betrayed partner, I provide steps for returning their life back to its proper balance. Their life has been turned upside down and typically the betrayed partner does not know what to believe from their partner or the life the couple thought they had to together. For the betrayed partner, I can provide guidance on what questions to ask and which ones are off limits.
For most couples, affair recovery means a commitment to couples therapy weekly for 6 months or longer. And each partner will need individual therapy to heal from the pain of the affair. I advise the couple to use their behavioral healthcare benefits to pay for the individual therapy. Typically, couples therapy is not covered by health insurance, and they need to pay for it out-of-pocket or private pay.
I wish I could wave a magic wand to ease the intense hurt and mood swings that often affect both partners, but it usually requires a step-by-step approach by both partners to work on healing their relationship.
For most couples, affair recovery means a commitment to couples therapy weekly for 6 months or longer. And each partner will need individual therapy to heal from the pain of the affair. I advise the couple to use their behavioral healthcare benefits to pay for the individual therapy. Typically, couples therapy is not covered by health insurance, and they need to pay for it out-of-pocket or private pay.
I wish I could wave a magic wand to ease the intense hurt and mood swings that often affect both partners, but it usually requires a step-by-step approach by both partners to work on healing their relationship.
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Couples therapy after infidelity – How can it help?
What constitutes infidelity can be subjective. While most people can agree that a sexual affair qualifies as such, there are behaviors that are more difficult to categorize. What about flirty messages, a dating profile, or a kiss? A partner could feel cheated on while the other person doesn’t believe their actions fall into that category.
One of the first things you do with your therapist is to define what infidelity is for both of you. This is a crucial step that sets the stage for what comes next.
After the affair has been identified (don’t wait until therapy to disclose), your therapist can help you with the following:
Understanding how the affair happened
If you don’t understand how the affair occurred, you can’t see how it can be avoided in the future. The how and why are very difficult to hear but that information will prevent you from seeing the affair as a random occurrence. It will give you more security.
Sorting through the many emotions involved
Infidelity forces you to juggle a wide range of uncomfortable emotions. Juggling them can take a toll on you. Your therapist can help you to process them in a healthy way.
Mending those long-existing problems
The hard truth is that infidelity is the result of preexisting problems. Often times there is some shared responsibility when the relationship needs fixing. Although no one is ever forced to cheat, the other person may have had a hand in creating a less-than-perfect relationship.
Connecting physically and emotionally
Being intimate after your partner had an affair can seem impossible, especially if your partner had sex with someone else. Here, vulnerability is key. Physically speaking, you’ll need to start small. Eye contact or a long hug are ways to start regaining intimacy.
Creating rules to regain trust
It can be hard to win back the trust that was broken after an affair. Infidelity is a giant imbalance of power. By setting rules the person who was hurt can gain back some of that power and feel less insecure.
How plausible is recovery from an affair?
The numbers show us that more than 75% of US marriages survive infidelity. Deciding to stay in the relationship after an affair is one thing, but being healed from the pain is another. Recovery doesn’t happen overnight and it won’t happen without work on both ends. But if the desire for change is there, the relationship can heal and so can you!
4 tips for healing from infidelity
Participate in individual counseling
If your partner was unfaithful, many people feel like they are mourning the relationship and/or the person they thought they knew. You then have to deal with the complex process of grief. Therapy can guide you through this and make sense of what you are feeling.
Share your feelings with your partner
It’s important that you’re able to explain to your partner how you are affected by the infidelity. You need to be understood and heard. Let them know where you are coming from in an honest way and without attacking them.
Find a support system
Although painful to discuss, talking about the infidelity with trusted family members or friends will help you heal.
Practice self-care
An affair is a huge blow that can turn your life upside down. It’s easy to become consumed by the affair but don’t your needs fall by the wayside. It’s important to keep a routine and to stay active. Engage in mindful activities such as yoga, journaling, or meditation. Do the things that bring you joy and treat yourself to more pleasurable things.
Vanita Kunert, LMFTVanita specializes in couples with communication issues who want more connection and aliveness in their relationship.
Vanita utilizes the Gottman approach to couples.
