Is an open marriage healthy?

Open marriages can be just as healthy as monogamous ones. And some argue that the benefits can significantly improve overall well-being. 

In traditional, monogamous marriages we expect our spouse to fulfill all our needs. But one person isn’t capable of completing such a tall order. This can be the cause of dissatisfaction in relationships, resulting in conflict, and in some cases, it can lead to affairs or even divorce. 

People in open marriages report the following benefits to their relationship:

Better communication

Open marriages require a constant line of open communication.

Excitement and passion 

Couples can avoid problems stemming from boredom or a stagnant sex life. 

Research done on couples considering an open marriage shows that married couples who transition to an open marriage have higher levels of sexual satisfaction than those who remain monogamous. And these couples tend to have more sex with each other.  

More trust 

Feeling comfortable with your partner being with someone else shows that you have a high level of trust. You can rest assured that your partner will always come home to you, and vice versa. 

Less jealousy 

It’s often assumed that open relationships would come with a lot of jealousy, but in a lot of cases, it’s actually the contrary. People on board with an open relationship are more likely to experience what’s known as “compersion”, which is happiness from seeing their partner happy. 

People in open marriages report the following benefits for the individual:

More wants and needs fulfilled 

With more than one partner, you’re more likely to be satisfied in different ways. This is particularly true for sexual satisfaction. Libidos can be mismatched. Being with other people can fill the gap and remove resentment that would otherwise be present. 

Freedom of expression 

Partners outside your marriage can allow you to act on certain desires your spouse may not want to engage in. 

Less pressure to fulfill all their spouse’s needs

There is less tension and anxiety when you’re not responsible for satisfying all of your partner’s desires, especially when it comes to sex. This can allow you to appreciate each other more. 

Greater appreciation for your spouse 

Open marriages mean time apart, during that time you or your partner might be intimate with someone else. This space can allow you to miss your partner. Being with someone else can remind you of all the reasons you chose to marry them. 

What percent of open marriages end in divorce?

There isn’t much data published on open marriages and divorce, but what we know suggests that it’s similar to monogamous marriages. 

For some couples, an open marriage is a wildly successful dynamic that ends up improving their relationship. However, some people enter an open marriage for the wrong reasons, thinking it will fix already existing issues.  For those people, an open marriage can be the reason for divorce. An open marriage must be a choice mutually agreed upon. And both people must be fully committed. 

Rules for a Successful Open Marriage

The best open marriages are ones with rules in place. The rules are set by the couple. They vary because each couple is unique and values different things. However, there are some common rules that many people in open marriages swear by. 

Don’t opt in for the wrong reasons 

Opening up your marriage can be a way to level up your marriage from good to great. However, don’t look to this option as the way to save a struggling relationship. If communication is poor, trust and jealousy are an issue, or there’s a history of infidelity, an open marriage is not the answer. It could be, later on down the line, but you’ll need to work on foundational problems first. 

Prioritize your marriage 

Although you have relationships with other people, don’t forget to reserve quality time with your spouse.You might want to consider a hierarchical polyamory where your spouse is number one. 

Don’t let jealousy build

It’s only normal to experience some jealousy in an open marriage. As long as it’s dealt with properly, it can remain healthy. Recognize when you feel jealous, acknowledge it, and talk to your partner about it. Jealous feelings might mean you must create new boundaries with your partner. 

Discuss safe sex 

Make sure you come up with a plan for practicing safe sex. Exactly how will you protect yourself? Will you require condoms? Will you regularly screen for STIs? 

Maintain open communication

Keeping constant, honest communication with your spouse is key to making an open arrangement work. You’re bound to have a variety of complex emotions. As they arise, talk about them with your partner. Decide what level of detail you both feel comfortable sharing when talking about outside partners. Have an open dialogue about what should be shared and what should be spared. 

Agree on how you will explain your situation to outsiders 

Polyamory and open marriages are widely misunderstood. And unfortunately, it’s mostly a negative view. You don’t want people to have the wrong idea, so how much should you share with friends and family? If you have children, you’ll need to be careful about how you approach the topic with them. Consider joining an online community for open marriages. 

Set sexual boundaries 

Many people start open relationships to explore their sexuality. While this is the main draw for most, everyone has limits. Establish the line to ensure you remain comfortable with what your spouse is doing. Is penetration permitted? What about oral sex? Be specific and don’t assume anything. 

Set emotional boundaries 

It’s sometimes hard to separate sex and intimacy. Having emotional boundaries is just as important as the sexual ones and can spare you the hurt caused when overstepping. Determine your level of comfort with things like sleeping with the same person and going on dates. Can you spend time with them socially? Make sure you set rules for who you can and cannot be with. Can they be someone you both know? 

Have regular check-ins 

Part of having honest conversations with your spouse is having check-ins to take the pulse on the relationship. Make sure both people are still comfortable with the current arrangement.  Open marriages can have a lot of change simply because more people are involved.  With that, someone might decide they no longer want an open marriage. Be open to ending it at any point if that’s not the best thing for both of you. 

Don’t forget consent 

 Open marriages are a type of consensual non-monogamy or CNM. Consent is what sets open marriages apart from cheating. If you’re unsure whether your partner is comfortable with something err on the side of caution. 

Show respect all around

With your spouse as your primary partner, they are the one you come home to even after being intimate with other people. So while your relationship with your spouse is different, it doesn’t mean you should treat other partners as “less than”. 

Remember that your marriage is whatever you want it to be. Sure, there are guidelines, but relationships are not one-size-fits-all. When it comes to an open marriage, the number one rule is that you and your spouse are on the same page. If you’re both comfortable and happy, you’ve done it right. Want help opening up your marriage? Contact a Couples Center therapist, who has experience with open marriages.