What is Polyamory?

First, let’s define consensual non-monogamy (or CNM). CNM is an umbrella term for relationships in which all partners give consent to engage in romantic, intimate, and/or sexual relationships with multiple people. Sometimes referred to as ethical non-monogamy (ENM), both terms are used to differentiate between non-monogamy relationships that are secretive. 

Polyamory is a type of consensual non-monogamous relationship where there are multiple romantic, intimate relationships simultaneously. Everyone involved is aware of and consents to not being the only partner. Sometimes the other partners also share a friendship or romantic relationship. Polyamory is based on the belief that connections should not be restricted to one person because love is not finite. 

In a polyamorous (or poly) relationship, people have multiple romantic partners that they could date and be physical with. The relationships might be emotional as well, and participants may feel love for more than one partner. Polyamory is a Greek word meaning literally “many loves”. Polyamory comes in many forms and looks different for different people. 

Polyamory has a negative stigma in the United States, but there seems to be growing interest. These types of relationships might seem taboo to those not practicing polyamory, but polyamorous relationships can be just as healthy as monogamous ones.

Types of Polyamory and Consensual Non-Monogamy

Hierarchical vs. Non-hierarchical

Polyamorous relationships can be hierarchical or non-hierarchical. 

When discussing polyamory, hierarchical refers to one relationship being prioritized over others. For instance, if married, that would be considered your primary relationship and would take priority over any other, secondary relationship(s). Non-hierarchical polyamorous relationships simply don’t have a structure where one relationship is intentionally valued more.

One system is not better than the other. In fact, a 2021 research study found that people in non-hierarchical polyamorous relationships are about as satisfied as those in hierarchical polyamorous ones.

6 types of polyamory:

1. Mono-poly Relationships

This is where one person is monogamous and the other is polyamorous. 

2. Solo Polyamory 

Solo polyamory is a more casual relationship where you operate as a single person who is engaged in multiple relationships. This means there is no primary partner. There isn’t any interest in sharing things like a living space, finances, or children. 

3. Vee

In a vee (or “V”) one person is intimate with two different people, but those people are not intimate with each other. Hence, making a “V” shape. 

4. Triad 

Also referred to as a “throuple”, a triad consists of three people. Unlike a vee, all three people are romantically involved. 

5. Quad

A quad is like a triad, but with an additional person. All four people are intimately connected.

6. Polyfidelity 

Polyfidelity is when members of a group agree to be exclusive to one another. They reject sexual or romantic relationships outside of the group. All members are considered equal. 

Boundaries and Rules in a Polyamorous Relationship

Polyamory isn’t just about having multiple partners. There are specific guidelines set by the parties involved. Despite the popular belief by outsiders, it is not just a “free for all”. And when more than two people are in a relationship, there needs to be some ground rules so things don’t get out of hand. Boundaries and rules can help ensure everyone feels comfortable. Communication is always important, especially when more people are involved. It’s imperative to have discussions on what is and what isn’t acceptable in the relationship. 

How communication happens between partners in a poly relationship varies. Sometimes everyone sits down together to discuss things. Each person has the opportunity to bring up concerns they have. Other times partner’s partners do not interact and so discussions and issues are dealt with separately. 

Boundaries vs Rules

It’s important to differentiate between a boundary and a rule. A boundary is a limit you set for yourself. A rule is something you agree to uphold with your partner. 

An example of a rule with your primary partner may be to always put your relationship and your kids first. 

An example of a boundary could be not wanting to have sex with your primary partner too soon after they were on a date. 

Myths of Polyamory and Ethical Non-Monogamy

Myth: Polyamory is cheating. 

Poly relationships value trust. Partners are open and honest with each other about their other partners and do not operate secretively. 

Myth: People in polyamorous relationships don’t get jealous. 

As discussed previously, jealousy can still come up, as it can in any relationship. 

Myth: Polyamory is an open relationship. 

Polyamory and open relationships are terms that are often used interchangeably but the two are not the same. Polyamory is different from an open relationship, which is more about casual sex. In open relationships, the emotional connection is reserved for the primary partner. Open relationships tend to have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” arrangement, while polyamorous ones have a more open line of conversation with rules that everyone agrees to. 

Myth: Polyamory is all about sex.

The intention of polyamory is to build intimate connections. Of course, this can involve sex, but it’s not the focus. 

Myth: Polyamory can mean multiple spouses.

Polyamory and polygamy are two separate things. Polygamy is being married to more than one person at the same time. Polygamy is illegal in the United States. 

Myth:  People in polyamorous relationships have commitment issues.

Polyamory is a choice. Unlike people with commitment issues, people in polyamorous relationships are not afraid to bare their feelings and have open communication. 

Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships

Jealousy is a feeling and a completely normal one at that. There is a difference between healthy, normal jealousy, and unhealthy, problematic jealousy. And the type depends on whether you have the skills to manage your jealous feelings. 

How to manage jealousy in polyamorous relationships:

1. Challenge your assumptions 

Sometimes our logical mind is overtaken by irrational thoughts that can snowball. Question these thoughts. Are they realistic? 

2. Check-in with your body

Try activities that promote deep breathing and mindfulness such as yoga, meditation, or mindful walking. 

3. Communicate 

Talk about your feelings with your partner(s). Revisit boundaries and consider creating new ones that will make you more comfortable. 

Additionally,  jealous feelings can be controlled through the cultivation of an emotion known as “compersion,” which is happiness knowing that your partner is happy. 

Are Polyamorous Relationships Healthy?

Polyamorous relationships are no less healthy than monogamous ones. Researchers who studied polyamorous relationships and people’s attitudes towards polyamory concluded, “a relationship with one partner tends to function independently of a relationship with another partner as both relationships were considered fulfilling, satisfying, and secure (essentially without influencing each other).” As long as the necessary criteria are met (everyone knows and consents to the relationship) a polyamorous relationship can be just as successful as any other, more traditional relationship. Of course, just like monogamous ones, they can have their issues, and they can fail. 

Polyamory has risen in recent years and is becoming more accepted by society. There is a growing population that insists polyamorous relationships are healthier than monogamous ones. This is mainly due to the belief that one person is not able to fulfill all of our needs. This is not to say that polyamory is better, overall. It’s not suitable for everyone. And along those same lines, monogamy doesn’t fit everyone.

Each type of relationship has its own challenges. Monogamous partners can struggle with staying engaged and passionate. They may have to settle and give up certain desires or needs. Cheating can be a manifestation of the challenges monogamous couples face. But in the end, monogamous couples tend to feel more secure within the relationship. 

With polyamorous relationships, there is more freedom and variety. But with that, comes more complications, feelings of jealousy, and insecurity. Polyamorous relationships are considerably more complex to navigate, but perhaps at the cost of being more satisfying, overall. Of course, these are generalities, and different people have different experiences. 

Does polyamory work?

The answer is that it depends on the person. They certainly don’t suit everyone, and like all relationships they require work. Poly relationships are complex, but many people swear by them. For these people, poly is the only option that fits who they are and how they feel inside. If you are currently in a polyamorous relationship or considering pursuing one, The Couples Center can help. Connect with a trained therapist experienced in working with non-monogamous relationships. Together we can help you navigate through your desires and emotions to give you the relationship you truly want.