When it comes to romantic relationships, is age just a number? You can form a meaningful connection with someone outside of your age bracket. It’s possible to share values and interests even if you’re born in a different decade. Attraction isn’t reserved just for a person the same age as you. And yet, relationships where one partner is significantly older come with their own set of challenges.

Not unlike other relationships, prioritizing communication will prove beneficial. Specifically, both partners will want to recognize the needs of their partner, address hurdles, and speak honestly but respectfully.

What is an Age-Gap Relationship?

An “age gap relationship” typically refers to a romantic relationship where one partner is 10 or more years older than the other.

How Many Relationships Have a Big Age Gap?

Age-gap relationships are relatively common, though their frequency can vary based on cultural, social, and individual factors. The popularity of age-gap relationships differs across countries and societies, with some cultures being more accepting than others. For example, in many countries in the Middle East and North Africa, older men marrying younger women is a common practice. This is rooted in traditional family structures.

Factors that Affect the Prevalence of Age Gap Relationships

Location

Age gap relationships are less widespread in North America, the UK, and Europe. Throughout Western countries about 8% of all married heterosexual couples can be described as having a large age gap (10 years or more). The dynamic tends to be the man older than the woman. Only about 1% of these couples had an older woman with a younger man. Although instances of older women marrying younger men are rising, particularly in countries with progressive gender equality.

In the US nearly four in ten (39%) of Americans have previously dated someone with an age difference of at least 10 years.

Heterosexual vs. Same-Sex Couples

There is not much research yet on age gaps in same-sex couples. However, the limited evidence suggests that age-gap relationships are more prevalent in same-sex couples. Gay couples in particular tend to participate in larger age differences compared to heterosexual couples or lesbian couples.

Stigma Surrounding Age Gap Relationships Perceptions

Though common, there is a strong stigma in society surrounding age-gap relationships, which is more intense depending on the gender dynamic. Society looks less favorably on relationships where the woman is significantly older than the man.

Does Age in Relationships Really Matter?

The better question is whether it matters to you or your partner. If you let it become a point of contention then it will do just that. Consider what bothers you about it. You’ll need to dive deep. Chances are, it’s more than numbers and instead a misalignment of some kind. Or perhaps you let the outsiders affect you. Opinions from friends and family can matter to you.

What is an Acceptable Age Gap?

What is considered an “acceptable” age gap in a relationship? Some might argue the legal line – as long as all parties are of legal consenting age, then it’s fine. Following this logic, it would be acceptable for an 18-year-old and 60 60-year-old to be in a romantic relationship. And then there’s an age gap equation that some people use to decide if an age gap is acceptable. It’s known as the “2/7 rule.” According to the “2/7 rule,” you divide your age by two and then add seven to find the socially acceptable minimum age of anyone you want to date. So if you’re 28 years old, you can feel free to be with anyone who is at least 21 (14 + 7).

What might be more important than the number of years apart, might be life stages. Significantly different life stages can impact the success of a relationship. For example, a 20-year-old in college is likely in a different life stage than a 38-year-old who’s been divorced, has children, and a career.

At the end of the day, there is no hard and fast rule. Age gaps are subjective. One person might believe that it’s inappropriate for a 20-year-old and a 30-year-old to be together.

Key Elements in Age Gap Relationships

What makes age-gap relationships work? The success of an age-gap relationship is based on several key factors. Above all, it seems to come down to shared core values. Core values are the fundamental beliefs and principles that guide a person’s actions and decisions. There needs to be a foundation for trust and respect. This is more important in determining success in a relationship than age.

Shared Core Values and Goals:

Regardless of age, shared values like honesty, trust, and respect are what matter most. Without these, any relationship will struggle. In addition, partners must share the same values. Examples of core values that couples might have in common include views towards family (kids or not) and parenting styles, political views, spiritual or religious beliefs, attitude towards money, and goals for the future. Core values are things that two people can align on regardless of age.

While age may shape individual life stages, shared long-term goals are crucial to ensuring you’re on the same page, both working for the same outcome. Successful age-gap couples often work to align their goals. Examples of goals involve career, financial planning, or family.

Maturity and Emotional Intelligence

Emotional maturity is what helps a person to manage their emotions, especially in times of conflict or stress. In an age-gap relationship, partners can be at a completely different life stage, emotional maturity helps to prevent impulsive reactions. Emotional intelligence inspires calmer. More productive discussions. And emotional intelligence helps one deal with stressful, emotionally charged challenges that come with aging or health issues.

Age-gap couples may face external judgment or internal doubts about their relationship. Emotional intelligence helps individuals be more resilient in the face of negativity and handle challenges in a healthy way.

Honest and Open Communication

Effective communication is paramount in any relationship, but it is even more important in age-gap relationships where there are different generational experiences that can lead to misunderstandings. Age-gap couples benefit from having candid talks about their needs, goals, and desires.

Mutual Respect

Partners need to value each other’s perspectives. Age-gap couples tend to bring very different life experiences to the table. This can be treated as a gift to the relationship if each person is willing to learn from the other. While the younger partner could benefit from the older’s lived experiences and wisdom, the older partner can benefit from the other’s fresh perspective and zest for life. Having empathy is an important part of the equation. Empathy means you can navigate your partner’s differences with curiosity and the willingness to put yourself in their shoes.

Flexibility and Adaptability

It’s important that both people are open to change. Things can get complicated as the couple moves through different stages of life. The ability to adapt and be flexible in the wake of these changes can help both partners continue to grow together and maintain connection.

Being Playful and Having a Sense of Humor

Enjoy playful moments together. Letting go and sharing a laugh is powerful in terms of bonding. Bring in humor to boost both of your moods. While the younger partner may naturally be more playful, it can be a complementing energy to the person who is more mature or grounded. Being playful together is more about being in the moment instead of focusing on inevitable changes in the future.

Factors that Can Impact Age Relationships

• Energy Levels and Limitations A younger person might want to travel, explore new things, or have a child. However, the older partner might be past the age of having and/or raising children. The older partner may be set in their career, retired, or planning retirement. The younger partner may have the energy to move around both figuratively and mentally while the older partner is ready to settle down in a way that translates to doing less. Mismatched energy levels can impact physical intimacy as well.
• Physical Decline and Health Concerns We all age, but in age-gap relationships the process is not in sync. Therefore, there’s a greater chance, one partner will experience a physical slowdown and health issues while the other hasn’t hasn’t been as impacted by their age yet. In some cases, one person is forced to become a caretaker at a more difficult time in their life. For example, the older partner may need care when there are also children to take care of or the younger partner is not yet retired. The sexual connection could be a problem because of physical changes with age. It’s worth noting that people can become sick at any age.
• Power Imbalance In some cases, an age gap could create an imbalance of power in the relationship. This is more likely if one partner is much older and more established. Sometimes the imbalance is perceived, but the impact is just as significant. Power imbalances can affect decision-making, financial dependence, or social influence, which could lead to unhealthy dynamics if not addressed.
• Acceptance from Family and Society Relationships that have a large age gap, might have family members that struggle to accept the relationship. This is especially true if the family is worried about the younger partner’s motivations or the older partner’s intentions. The relationship can also generate uncomfortable feelings if there are children from a previous relationship. When it comes to society in general, strangers might have opinions or give unwanted stares. Some people expect traditional relationship dynamics and if there is a gap, they expect the man to be older. When people’s traditional expectations are flipped, there can be added judgment.

Relationship Counseling for Age Gap Couples

Couples counseling for age-gap relationships can help to address the unique challenges that arise in the relationship. It’s possible for love and connection to transcend age. However, these couples may deal with issues related to communication, societal perceptions, generational differences, life goals, and physical or emotional needs.

In addition to providing a safe, supportive environment for guided dialogue, couples therapy can help address the following for age-gap couples:

• Generational Differences
• External Pressure
• Internalized Stigma
• Differing Life Phases
• Physical and Emotional Connection
• Intimacy Issues
• Different Health Needs
• Family Dynamics
• Balanced Decision-Making