What is Compatibility in a Relationship

Compatibility is the way who you are aligns with who your partner is. Who you are might entail your lifestyle, values, goals, needs, past experiences, ways of processing emotion, and anything else that is fundamental to the way you show up. Finding a partner who matches or compliments you in these areas increases the chances of a good fit.

You don’t need one-hundred percent partner compatibility in order to be fulfilled. For example, you might like to read books before bed while your partner enjoys watching television. These finer details leave room for compromise and have little impact on the quality of the relationship. It is the overarching themes, such as mutual respect and shared vision, that deserve a closer look.

Research shows that couples who are compatible in major ways experience greater relational satisfaction. The perception of partner attractiveness is also higher. Investing in this type of connection is preventive against break-ups, separation, and divorce. Compatibility is staying power. It is a glue that keeps you and your significant other strong through all relationship phases. It also moves beyond the excitement and fun of chemistry and into the territory of what makes a partner right for you in the long-run.

Chemistry vs. Compatibility

Chemistry is the initial spark you feel with someone. The allure draws you in and creates an attraction that allows for connection to begin. A bond of chemistry is much easier to create than one of compatibility – all it takes is surface-level interest. You can move forward with chemistry without knowing if the relationship will prove to be compatible.

Events that indicate strong chemistry include exciting dates, a lot of sex, and novel experiences. These are valuable parts of building a relationship. They incite the honeymoon phase, a period of time where you see the other person through rose-colored glasses. It is unlikely that you would come together with your partner in the first place if the throes of chemistry were absent.

Long-term potential and partner compatibility is determined by characteristics that exist in addition to chemistry. Figuring out if a new relationship is moving in the direction of compatibility can be challenging. It is possible to have a large amount of chemistry while knowing the person does not satisfy what you want in a full relationship. The intense feelings associated with chemistry cloud your ability to think about the connection in a grounded way. Compatibility is a more grounded force, one that is built on depth, commonality, and sustainability.

One way to determine whether or not your relationship is compatible is to make a list of signs of chemistry and signs of compatibility. Write down which of each are present in your connection in order to see if one area outweighs the other. A well-balanced list points to partnership that can hold both stability and passion. Several signs of compatibility to consider adding are outlined below.

Signs of Compatibility

1. You can be fully yourselves

Being able to show up as your authentic self is a sign of partner compatibility. This looks like honesty about your emotions and mutual expression of your wants, needs, and desires. Each person feels seen and all parts, even the challenging ones, are welcomed. There is trust that being your full selves will strengthen the bond rather than jeopardize it.

2. You share common goals

Compatible partners often look toward the future with one another. Shared goals are part of building a life that is fulfilling for both people. Having similar views on lifestyle, balancing work, family relationships, and having children is a sign that you and your partner are a fit. There is greater opportunity to grow together in the long-term when goals are aligned.

3. The relationship is emotionally stable

Big ups and downs are commonly mistaken for a relationship that is compatible or  “meant to be.” In reality, high highs and low lows are a sign that a relationship is activating your core wounds. True partner compatibility brings a sense of emotional stability. Feeling even-keeled and at peace are positive signs. Your nervous system is able to enter rest and recovery mode knowing that a safe person is present.

4. You want to tell them everything

Strong friendship is a pillar of partner compatibility. Your partner is more than a romantic interest, they are the one you want to share your life with first. Telling them all kinds of news – good, bad, mundane – is cathartic. You provide each other support and trust that you will remain in one another’s corners.

5. Eccentricities are endearing

In a long-term relationship, quirks eventually show themselves. The initial spark of connection makes it easier to conceal or overlook mannerisms. Finding the reveal of these eccentricities endearing points to partner compatibility. You and your partner are able to appreciate one another’s distinctive traits.

6. You desire closeness

When you are compatible with someone, intimacy in all forms becomes more appealing. You want more than sexual connection. You want to attune to your partner and to be known in depth in return. One another’s emotions, pasts, and hopes carry a high level of interest. There is reciprocal effort in learning more about each other and in expanding your capacity for affection.

7. There is mutual consideration

Partner compatibility means taking one another into account. While you may not always have the same needs, you consider and ask about the other person’s feelings. Ways to promote healthy communication are also emphasized. Conflicts are approached from a place of generosity and wanting to develop beneficial resolutions. You and your partner both invest in the understanding that you are each trying your best.

8. You make each other a priority

Life gets busy between daily tasks, work obligations, and maintaining other relationships. You may not always be able to devote as much time to your partner as you would like. However, compatible partners find ways to prioritize each other even when time is short. Examples of this are setting aside fifteen minutes to check in about each other’s days in the evening, setting aside a weekly date night, and remembering to celebrate special occasions.

9. Individuality is honored

Interdependence is a key component of a successful relationship. This means that you are able to both rely on one another and enjoy time separately. Partner compatibility takes two individual people bringing their sense of self to the connection. Honoring the need for exploration of different hobbies and interests makes the partnership more dynamic and increases novelty.

10. You both want to work things out

Disagreements still occur in compatible relationships. Old patterns and challenging conflict cycles may show up in trying to work things out. Both partners being willing to make compromises and act in the best interest of the relationship is a strength. Engaging in couples therapy can help you recenter your fundamental compatibility and learn new skills for navigating tough moments.

Partner compatibility is fundamental to long-lasting relationships. It trumps the initial sparks of chemistry in its ability to create enduring bonds. The signs listed above can aid you in recognizing compatibility and determining if you are experiencing it in your partnership. If you are looking to further explore your individual needs around compatibility, the Core Relationship Desire Quiz can help. If you and your partner are looking to do a deep dive into the core of your relationship, consider the couples workshop.