Despite the stereotype, a midlife crisis is less about buying lavish things or changing one’s appearance. It is much deeper than that. The media paints an entertaining, sometimes comical picture of men buying flashy sports cars or trying on ridiculous new hairstyles. Sometimes an affair is associated with a midlife crisis. It can seem vain, shallow, or selfish. But underneath the surface, a midlife crisis is about a fear of dying.

What Causes a Midlife Crisis?

In midlife, we begin to reckon with our immortality. This reminder may slap us in the face in the form of a harsh diagnosis. Or it may slowly creep up as we look in the mirror, and count the gray hairs and wrinkles.

A midlife crisis is a reaction to aging. For the individual, it may feel like the years slipped away from them and now they’re left with a dwindling amount of time to accomplish what they want. After reflecting, they may be feeling as though their life hasn’t lived up to their expectations. They haven’t met the goals they planned on achieving. Because of this are feeling generally unsatisfied.

As the name suggests, a midlife crisis typically occurs when someone is in their 40’s or 50’s. However, it can strike as early as the 30’s or as late as someone’s 60’s. It can affect both men and women, although it may manifest differently.

A major life event can trigger a midlife crisis. Examples of triggers include:

• Divorce – Divorce is a major change that can have you looking back with regret or disdain. It may be hard to forge a path forward. It’s not uncommon for divorce to lead to depression which can overlap with a midlife crisis.
• Health diagnosis – A man who was previously healthy may begin rethinking their life after a health diagnosis or health scare.
• Job loss or job change – He may be unsatisfied with where he ended up in his career. Perhaps the promotions and accomplishments didn’t happen the way he expected. He may have reached a plateau in his job or is having a hard time with retirement.
• Children leaving home – When kids get older and leave home, parents can be left feeling uncertain about their role and purpose now that life doesn’t revolve around kids. The negative feelings that come from this newfound freedom is known as “empty nest syndrome”.
• Financial issues – Money problems can have you on edge, and feeling deeply uncertain. Men in particular can feel this as a failure on their part.
• Death of a parent or other loved one – When it’s the death of someone meaningful in your life, or the deaths become more frequent, you begin to think about your own demise.

While a midlife crisis is more likely to strike following a major life event, it can occur without a triggering episode.

Outside of major triggers, common causes of midlife crises include:

• Physical changes – The aging process alone can be distressing. He may see he’s unable to do the physical things he once could. An example could be bad knees that prevent him from biking or running or erectile dysfunction disorder.
• Existential concerns – He may grapple with questions like who am I? What is my purpose? What is my legacy? He may be revisiting the past getting hung up on old decisions and feeling regretful.
• Comparing with others – He may be comparing himself with those that he considers more successful or people who are younger leaving him feeling inferior. He’s now focusing on all his perceived shortcomings.

Symptoms of a Midlife Crisis in Men

“A midlife crisis for a man is a moment of reckoning,” “There’s a sense that your best days — of physical health, of realizing your inner potential — are somehow behind you,” says social worker Sarah Suzuki.

Symptoms of a midlife crisis vary from person to person. Some of the most common ones are:

• Impulsivity or risky activities – Many men in a midlife crisis act impulsively and with poor judgment. He may spend money excessively and without consulting his partner. He might gamble, drink more, or use drugs. In more extreme cases the man has a sexual affair.
• Feeling isolated – In a crisis, he may pull back and withdraw from relationships. It may be because he feels so unhappy with himself or it could be that he’s blaming his unhappiness on other people such as his significant other.
• Withdrawing from previously enjoyed activities – They may feel a lack of motivation that spills over into the things that previously brought them joy. They may not see the point of engaging in most things. They give up on goals because they “don’t see the point”.
• Lacking motivation – In addition, their job is suffering because their effort has greatly decreased. They may let relationships fall by the wayside, including the one with their partner.
• Anxiety – They may have a constant feeling of dread. Insecurities are front and center messing with their confidence about themselves and life in general.
• Feeling envious – Not only does he envy the younger, more successful people but he might envy the younger version of himself and his bygone youth. This can spiral into self-pity.
• Feelings of nostalgia, such as grieving the past and dreading new changes – They may be consumed with regret. They may be trying to stop the aging process by making physical changes to appear younger. He idealizes the past and devalues the future, leading him to feel less fortunate.
• Feeling generally unfulfilled – They may be operating from the idea that “life sucks”.
• Indecisiveness – He feels lost. He’s trying to find “the change” to make himself feel better. He’s facing a massive internal struggle that can make any decision feel massive. Sometimes men have trouble making decisions during this crisis period because feel generally. indifferent.
• Neglecting self-care – They’ve decreased showering and exercise. They have poor eating habits.

Diagnosing a Midlife Crisis

A midlife crisis is not an official diagnosis. It’s not a condition, but rather a transitional period or phase that will pass. Although it is not a mental health or physical issue, it is a real phenomenon with real impacts that need dealing with.

Stages of a Midlife Crisis in Men

As beforementioned, a midlife crisis is temporary. How long it lasts depends on the individual’s ability to address, sort through, and move through their feelings.

The five stages of a midlife crisis in men can include:

1. The starting point – During this stage, the man is at his normal baseline before the crisis.
2. The slide into the crisis – The descent into the crisis may be sudden, sharp, or slow and progressive. A trigger may be to blame.
3. The bottom – The bottom of the crisis is a period of heightened symptoms, low mood, and strong feelings of discomfort. This stage may resemble grief – starting with feelings of denial followed by anger.
4. The climb – With time, he will begin to reemerge out of crisis, either by his own actions or the passing of time. This period depends on creating a new routine and goals. It’s about putting in place a new, healthy routine, after processing feelings.
5. The new normal – When the crisis has passed, the man will restabilize a new normal. Signs that a midlife crisis may be coming to an end include increased satisfaction with oneself and greater optimism toward the future.

Physical Health Effects of a Midlife Crisis

With a midlife crisis comes great stress. Stress is responsible for a load of negative health effects like increased heart rate, weight gain, weight loss, sleeplessness or sleeping too much.

Feelings of Anxiety, Hopelessness, and Dissatisfaction

There is a significant psychological impact when experiencing a midlife crisis. His stress levels are high. His mood is unpredictable. A midlife crisis can be confused with depression because they share many of the symptoms. With both, the person may lose interest in previously enjoyed activities. They may feel anxious, hopeless, and generally dissatisfied with their life. While the two are not the same, a midlife crisis can lead to major depressive disorder.

Coping with a Midlife Crisis as an Individual or Couple

How to cope with your midlife crisis:

• Accept your feelings – First, you’ll need to acknowledge what’s going on. Pay attention to your feelings. Try not to suppress or deny them. Realize that what you’re going through is normal, and temporary. Next, share your feelings with those closest to you, like your significant other.
• Reframe – Change your mindset. Remind yourself that aging is what you make it. Shift your expectations so that you can reevaluate your perception of aging. Appreciate your opportunity to age. This will help you hold a more positive picture of the future. Try to embrace the changes both the good and bad. See it as another challenge you can make the best of.
• Set goals – Think about what your values are. What is your purpose? These things change with you and may need to be reconsidered. Set new, realistic goals to look forward to.
• Avoid temptations – When you’re feeling bad, it’s easier to reach for quick fixes to deliver instant gratification. But impulsive decisions will likely make you feel worse afterward. Instead, focus on long-term decisions that can result in the change you want.
• Take care of your whole self – Prioritize your physical and mental health. Exercise. Get the proper amount of sleep. Eat healthy. Go to therapy. Meditate.
• Identify what’s causing your dissatisfaction – Take some time to think about what is truly causing your unhappiness. You might conclude that what you’re going through has nothing to do with your marriage. Therefore, you should not impulsively separate from your spouse (literally or figuratively) because you crave independence or new experiences.

How to support your partner through a midlife crisis:

• Refrain from criticism – Instead of complaining about his less-than-ideal behavior, choose empathy. You can say, “I’ve noticed ____. I love you and I’m worried about you.” This will shine a light on his new behavior in a way that is much more effective.
• Avoid labeling the problem – Try not to tell him he’s having a midlife crisis or that he is depressed. Labels are rarely helpful here.
• Remind him of his successes – Show appreciation and gratitude. Offer support in setting new goals together and separately.
• Encourage him to seek outside support – Encourage him to share his feelings with you and encourage him to receive additional support in therapy – either alone or with you in couples therapy.

Impact on Relationships

Many times the unhappiness of a midlife crisis is unfairly blamed on the partner. It is so important to properly identify the areas of your life in which you do not feel fulfilled instead of letting these negative feelings overwhelm you and think they are all about your marriage or partner.

In relationships, the partner carries much of their partner’s burden. A midlife crisis is a perfect example of a partner experiencing collateral damage. His mood is difficult. He may be irritable, or angry. As his significant other, you’re most likely to be on the receiving end of outbursts or criticism. He may isolate himself leaving you feeling lonely and confused.

A midlife crisis can lead to divorce. If he refuses to address his feelings and work through them, the relationship will suffer. One or both people may begin to reevaluate the relationship, wondering if this is what they truly want. Their new behaviors cause conflict and create a new, negative relationship dynamic. When left unchecked infidelity can be a result of the crisis.

Individual Therapy or Couples Therapy

A crisis of any kind is serious and therefore timely treatment is crucial. With a midlife crisis, one’s identity and purpose are being questioned. This is highly distressing.

A midlife crisis is confusing, for everyone involved. Gain clarity through therapy. Working with a trained therapist for unresolved traumas big or small and/or midlife transitions provides the opportunity to improve emotional distress and prepare for life’s next phase. Psychotherapy in particular (ie. cognitive therapy), allows individuals to work through suppressed issues and improve relationships with others. You may feel unsatisfied with the present, but therapy can help you create an attractive new path for your future. Couples therapy can help you and your partner repair, understand each other better, and ultimately come back together with renewed love.