Types of Infidelity

When it comes to infidelity, it’s usually sex with another person that comes to mind. But infidelity can take other not-so-obvious forms. Gone are the days when affairs were limited to the workplace with “late nights at the office”. We’re living in an age where you can meet people a lot more easily, and you can communicate with them anywhere, and at any time. This opens the door to more connections. But it can also open a door to betrayal. 

Affairs today are not only easier to commit, but they’re easier to hide. And when they do come out, either revealed or discovered, there might be differing opinions. One person may see the actions as cheating while the other does not. 

Emotional Infidelity

Emotional affairs are when a person feels closer to someone else than they do to their own partner. Emotional affairs are a type of infidelity that is absent of sex. They involve a close, intimate relationship with someone. The person invests a lot of time and energy into the relationship outside their marriage, more than they do with their spouse. Despite there not being a physical component, they can hurt just as much. 

Emotional affairs can definitely be a gateway to physical infidelity. However, emotional affairs are not necessarily a precursor to a physical one. Many times they stay non-physical. There might not be sex involved but there’s often shared physical attraction. They may also feel love for that person. 

Why do emotional affairs happen?

Emotional affairs can happen when they feel as though their partner is not meeting their emotional needs. But that’s not the only reason. It could be because there was an opportunity. Maybe it’s coworkers in close proximity each day, two people having a shared interest or hobby, or there’s a chemistry between two people that’s different from the one with their partner. Ultimately, there is a wide range of factors that can lead to an emotional affair such as religious upbringing, difficulties in conceiving, parenthood, mental and physical illness, the death of a family member, job loss, job stress, and more. 

Some people (usually the ones involved in the affair) view this type of connection as harmless, although relationship experts categorize it as a form of cheating. 

Emotional affairs vs friendships

 It’s healthy to have platonic relationships outside of your marriage, but there are certain things that cross the line into cheating territory. So what constitutes an emotional affair? Where is the line that separates a friendship and a form of infidelity? 

Possible signs of an emotional affair:   

• You share personal, intimate information. You tell them things you wouldn’t tell your partner. 
• You keep in constant contact with them when not together through messaging, calls, or emails. 
• You keep the extent of the relationship a secret from your spouse.
• You’re attracted to the person.
• You are constantly thinking about them.
• You make more time for this other person than your spouse. 
• You compare your spouse to this person, and you may criticize your partner more. You might view your partner as inferior to this other person. 

Virtual Affairs

The average American spends at least 35 hours a week online. The internet offers a lot of distractions and a lot of opportunities such as an affair.  A virtual affair is another form of cheating where there is an intimate relationship but physical sex does not occur. However, a virtual affair is often sexual in nature. Virtual affairs (also referred to as cyber, digital, or internet affairs) involve intimate chat sessions (sexting) and sexually stimulating conversation. Virtual affairs may also include cybersex.

This type of infidelity takes place completely online, through technology. The people never meet in person. In some cases, you may not ever hear the voice or see the face of the person. A virtual affair can be brief, but the internet offers endless opportunities to have others. People can become addicted to virtual affairs. Some people compulsively seek sexual contact on the internet. Virtual affairs, like traditional affairs, are a betrayal of trust and are just as damaging. 

What is cybersex?

Cybersex can be defined as engaging in sexually gratifying activity with another person using technology. There are different levels to this, which makes it subjective. This can allow the partner to excuse their behavior, insisting it doesn’t qualify as an affair. An example of cybersex could be exchanging sexual pictures back and forth or using a webcam while masturbating simultaneously. Although the two bodies never touch, many people are of the belief that “sex is sex”. Therefore, cybersex can be just as harmful to a relationship as physical sex. 

Why do virtual affairs happen?

Escape

Virtual affairs are an escape from reality for some people, whether it’s home life or work life, or something deeper in their past. Some people take on a new identity since the internet allows them to be anyone. Some participate in virtual affairs as a way to live out a fantasy. 

Convenience

Virtual affairs are convenient. If you have access to the internet, it’s not difficult to find someone to have an affair with. And with a smartphone, the affair is literally in the palm of your hand. The affair can take place in the house where the couple lives, while the partner is there, and still be secretive. 

Low self-esteem

According to the APA, “people with low self-esteem, a distorted body image, an untreated sexual dysfunction or a prior sexual addiction are more at risk to develop addictions to cybersex”.

Anonymity 

In a virtual affair, your identity doesn’t have to be revealed. You can have cybersex without disclosing your name, or even showing your face. 

Possible signs of a virtual affair:

• Using phone or computer a lot more, usually late at night.
• Work and other duties are impacted by the excessive use of technology/distractions. 
• Devices are secured with passwords/passcodes. 
• Using secret online accounts/alternative email addresses or social media accounts to create a “double life”.  
• Less interest in sex with their spouse. 

Fantasy 

Fantasy is always better than reality. And with the internet, you can fabricate any and every piece of who you are. Who’s to say the person you met online is really who they say they are? It’s easier to appear “perfect” when you’re lying. And when you compare your partner to this created persona, it’s a lose-lose. Some people “catfish” their way into a virtual affair. This is when you use someone else’s photos to take on a false identity. 

Physical Affairs

The straightforward one is physical infidelity. It’s kissing, intimate touching, and sex. 

Possible signs of a physical affair:

• Less interest in sex with partner.
• Using phone or computer a lot more, usually late at night.
• They smell differently 
• They’re home less often
• They avoid questions/give suspicious answers

Casual vs romantic

Physical affairs can be considered “casual” meaning they are primarily a sexual relationship, without the expectation of anything more (romance). One-night stands and hiring a sex worker are examples.  Or a physical affair could be “romantic” meaning there is an emotional connection as well. 

Why do physical affairs occur?

There are a variety of reasons why someone may have a physical affair. These are some common ones:

• They’ve cheated in past relationships 
• Their stance on sex is loose 
• They have a sex addiction
• They are not satisfied with the current relationship 
• They’re insecure/searching for approval 
• They’re thrill/novelty seeking

Will Counseling Help After an Affair?

Healing from an affair is possible, but it requires a lot of work and an abundance of patience. You’ll need to develop skills that weren’t present prior to the affair. The reality is that it’s hard to recover from an affair without counseling. An affair is a big challenge for the relationship, which usually requires the help of a trained therapist. Not only will a therapist provide a safe space and facilitate open communication, but they will also provide a neutral third-party perspective. Couples therapy is key to healing. It’s also the best way to know if your relationship can survive after the affair. 

After infidelity, broken trust is the biggest problem to overcome in the relationship. If you were betrayed in your relationship, trusting your partner again can seem almost unfathomable. But you can learn to trust again. A couples counselor will help you get it all out on the table and guide you through trust-building exercises. Rebuilding trust is a slow process that requires commitment. However, trust is the foundation that every relationship needs for survival. Therefore, if you can gain back trust, your relationship can make it. 

In addition, infidelity counseling can help address the following issues: 

• Falling out of love after infidelity 
• Lying after infidelity 
• Communication issues 
• Decreased intimacy 
• Insecure attachment styles  

Going Beyond the Affair and Treating the Source 

When any type of affair occurs it’s usually a symptom of an underlying problem in your life and/or your relationship. Often, there is the affair and then there are preexisting challenges that are separate and would be there regardless of the affair. With counseling, you’ll work on issues before and after the affair with the goal of creating a bond even stronger than before. 

Couples counseling will help you with the following:

• Understanding how the affair happened
• Sorting through complex emotions
• Mending long-existing problems
• Re-building trust 
• Accepting responsibility 

 Couples counseling for infidelity can help you get to the root of the issue and give you the tools you need to repair it. Infidelity therapy involves counseling with and without the partner. 

Individual Therapy

In addition to couples counseling, Individual counseling is highly recommended, especially for the partner who was betrayed. The betrayed person may be struggling with feeling attractive and desirable. They may have heightened anxiety and feel constantly worried that they will be betrayed again. 

An affair can be traumatic. Many people go through a process similar to grieving after a death. It can even bring on PTSD-related symptoms such as obsessive thoughts, flashbacks, insomnia, avoiding places or things associated with the affair, etc. A therapist will help work through these symptoms. 

Acknowledging, Apologizing, and Understanding 

The Process of Rebuilding Trust 

It’s difficult to accurately define infidelity as a universal term because couples may have different boundaries around what fidelity is. If you’ve already discussed and agreed upon boundaries, then the healing process can be less complicated. But if you and your partner have different views on what cheating is, you’ll need to first talk that out. A therapist serves as a guide.

If the infidelity was non-physical, there’s a chance the involved partner doesn’t believe their activities qualify as an affair.  There can be a broad spectrum as to what falls into cheating territory. It’s personal. For example, some people, think viewing pornography is cheating. And may see virtual infidelity as grounds for divorce. Others would only label it cheating if there was physical sex.

 The first step is to agree on what happened. If it was cheating, then you can start moving through the process toward acknowledging, apologizing, and understanding. A therapist is a third-party person that can make it less personal and will help paint the affair in a way that’s more black and white. Apologizing is necessary for any progress to be made, but that comes only after the cheating partner acknowledges what they did. After that, the therapist will focus on getting both people to understand why the affair occurred. Infidelity therapy believes that both partners, along with their environment, family, friends, and history play a part in the problem, which led to the infidelity.  The why is complex, but once uncovered it gives you a lot to work with in the next steps towards healing. Rebuilding trust is a complex process. These are only some of the components. 

How long does a marriage last after infidelity?

Couples therapy plays a big role in the answer. About two-thirds of couples who participate in couples therapy choose to stay together. Keep in mind, that the therapist’s job is not to keep you together. Their main goal is to help you have constructive conversations about what happened and how to move forward positively.

Should You Leave after an Affair?

Here are a few questions to help you determine whether you should call it quits:

For both partners…

Do you want to make it work? 

Are you still in love with your partner, or do you want to get back to that feeling?

Are you willing to put in the work?

Are you motivated to put in the effort required to mend the relationship?

For the betrayed partner…

Are you willing to share some of the responsibility?

Not for the affair, but for issues that occurred prior to the affair?

Is there a pattern of infidelity?

Have you been here before? 

For the partner who betrayed…

Can you put yourself in their shoes?

Can you understand your partner’s feelings?

Are you willing to take responsibility for the affair?

Can you accept that no one forced you to cheat?

Are taking any action to prevent future infidelity?

What changes are you working on implementing on your own and with your partner?

No spouse wants to be pushed to a place where they’re contemplating leaving. After the trust you’ve built together takes such a huge hit, it’s only normal to think about ending the relationship.  Some people think that by visiting a counseling center after infidelity they will be told which way to go. However, that decision is yours to make. It’s a complicated decision and can be hard to know which is “right”. Barring abuse, which is always a reason to leave, the decision is not usually black and white. With the help of a therapist, you can work through your unique situation.