You’re not alone if you are experiencing low sex drive and feel that it is ruining your relationship. Countless people go through this – it is human to have either a consistently low sex drive or for your sex drive to ebb and flow over time. Fortunately, it is possible to have a low sex drive and a fulfilling, healthy partnership. Knowing the causes, impacts, and ways to work with low sex drive can take you from catastrophizing to feeling empowered in your own skin.

Is It Normal to Have a Low Sex Drive in a Relationship?

Categorizing your experiences with sex as “normal” or “abnormal” often brings up a lot of shame. There is no one defining normal when it comes to human sexuality. Instead, desires and drives exist on a spectrum. Asking whether or not you feel embodied and aligned with who you are in your current relationship to sex can be a more helpful question. Other questions to ask when considering low sex drive include:

• Do I typically have a low sex drive or has something changed for me recently?
• What are the social factors (i.e. media, friends and family) that may be contributing to challenging feelings I have around my low sex drive?
• Is there undue stress in my life that could be contributing to my low sex drive?
• Is there a gap in sex drive between my partner and I? Does this make me feel worried about or pressured in our relationship?
• How much time are my partner and I spending building comfort in non-sexual intimacy and other forms of touch?
• How much time am I spending building comfort in my own body? Do I know what my authentic desires and needs are?

Talking these questions through with your partner provides insight into how low sex drive is impacting your connection. It is easy to become anxious or ruminate on your concerns about your low sex drive in regard to your partner. There is much more to building a solid partnership than sex on its own. Healthy communication is foundational and aids in your different experiences being a conduit for intimacy rather than a block toward it.

Couples therapy is beneficial when these conversations feel overwhelming or daunting. There are couples therapists who have specialized training in sex therapy, which can guide you in addressing the root causes of low sex drive. The process also provides an opportunity to build understanding that there is no objective normal. Feeling that low sex drive is ruining your relationship is a barrier that may be overcome through honesty with your partner and receiving the right help.

Why Does Low Sex Drive Happen?

Learning the reasons behind low sex drive allows you and your partner to better work with it. Figuring out why low sex drive is occurring also makes the phenomenon feel less personal. There is nothing wrong with either of you – instead of placing blame, try to see yourselves as a team overcoming a challenge. Several areas to explore in this are:

Natural Ebbs and Flows

Experiencing peaks and troughs in sex drive over time, including over the course of a relationship, is natural. Periods of low sex drive when you and your partner are otherwise doing well may be nothing to worry about. Mismatches in when each of you go through these periods are also common. Developing ways to let one another know you are desired, wanted, and loved beyond sex enhances your capacity to stay connected long-term.

Complacency or Boredom

The novelty and excitement of sex and intimacy likely felt natural in the beginning of your partnership. However, after you have been together for a while, it’s easy to become complacent. You may even have moments of feeling bored with one another. Fortunately, low sex drive that stems from this can be alleviated by adding in some fun. You and your partner can consciously mix it up in order to bring back a sense of play and enjoy trying new things together.

High Stress Levels

Stress sends your body systems into fight-or-flight mode. Here, you are operating by doing only what you need to do to survive. The release of hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol put you on high alert and make relaxing into sexual intimacy nearly impossible. Chronic stress can also impact your mood and mental health in ways that cause difficulty connecting with your partner.

Unaddressed Relational Issues

Tension or conflict that is swept under the rug may change your feelings toward your partner in the bedroom. Sex asks you to be in a place of attunement and vulnerability with one another. Discord, resentment, and other difficulties limit your ability to let your guard down and fully engage with your partner. Taking the time to address any challenges in other areas of your relationship can help increase your desire to be intimate.

Hormonal Changes

Your hormone levels fluctuate over the course of your lifespan. These fluctuations have a direct impact on the heightening or lowering of your sex drive. Low sex drive can be brought on by a drop in estrogen and/or testosterone levels. Women are likely to experience this drop around the time of menopause (about ages 45-55), while men are likely to experience this drop more gradually starting around age 40.

Asexuality or Graysexuality

Sometimes low sex drive does not come on suddenly, point to relationship issues, or have a physical cause. If you have always felt no or low sex drive and sexual attraction towards others, you may be on the asexual spectrum. Asexuality is defined by having no interest in sex, while graysexuality is defined by having a limited interest in sex. Keep in mind that identifying with these terms can mean that you still desire a close, emotionally intimate bond with a partner.

How Does Low Sex Drive Impact Relationships?

As mentioned above, periods of low sex drive are natural throughout the course of your relationship. Identifying as someone on the asexual spectrum is also a legitmate reason to enter into partnerships where sex is not be a factor. However, if you are experiencing low sex drive outside of these circumstances, you may begin to notice a larger impact on your relationship.

One way this impact shows up is in your own anxiety levels. Ongoing challenges in this area might bring up worries that low sex drive is ruining your relationship. You might fear that you will be unable to find middle ground with your partner or to be intimate in ways that satisfy both of you. While it can be tough to let your partner know about your anxiety, it is also an important part of working through low sex drive. Holding back your feelings can leave room for incorrect assumptions and increase the distance between you.

Another impact of low sex drive is gaps in desire between you and your partner. One of you might want to have sex, while the other consistently has trouble getting in the mood. This can create tension and bring up concerns about inadequacy for both of you. Struggling with low sex drive may cause you to feel pressured to have sex in these circumstances. Taking a step back and re-committing to an environment of safety and pleasure aids in breaking this cycle and alleviating the strain of mismatched desire levels.

Low sex drive in and of itself does not have to be associated with total lack of intimacy or the end of a relationship. If you and your partner are having trouble managing anxiety and breaking cycles, an online relationship course can help. The tools and insights here lay the foundation for greater passion with one another across all areas of your bond.

How Do You Deal With Low Sex Drive in a Relationship?

There are multiple approaches to take when low sex drive is something you would like to shift, change, or address in your partnership. Each of these approaches entails working together with your partner to find what fits for both of you. Remember that struggling with low sex drive does not make you a problem, and you do not have to shoulder the burden on your own. Here are a few ideas to try:

Be Honest

You and your partner need to know where you each stand in regard to low sex drive. What is your current level of desire? What is your partner’s? What do you each need in order to feel seen and accepted in the relationship?

Evaluating where you are can give you a more robust idea about what is between you and your ultimate vision for your partnership. These conversations may feel intimidating when you first start to engage in them together. Establishing ground rules, such as what showing respect and taking breaks when needed looks like, sets the stage for each of you to be heard.

Make Lifestyle Changes

Viewing low sex drive as a symptom (when you think this may be the case), gives you the opportunity to evaluate what other areas of your life look like. For example, the amount of responsibilities you have at work might be causing you to carry stress home with you. You might be struggling with your mental health or leaving too little space for self-care and relaxation.

A life you enjoy leads to a partnership that is able to hold the same energy. Sit down with your partner and discuss where one or both of you seem to be struggling. Are there ways you can hold each other accountable for becoming more self-fulfilled? Could greater self-fulfillment lead to higher self-esteem and increased desire for intimacy?

Spend Intentional Time Together

Busy schedules can make it difficult to find time to maintain your bond as a couple. You might each be juggling friends and family, children, and jobs, and other responsibilities. If you live together you might think, “I’ll see my partner at home,” rather than planning an intentional date night or activity.

Being haphazard about connecting can lead to decreased feelings of desire. Finding time to be alone together, relax, and authentically connect helps you rediscover your spark. This could look like a weekend away or a romantic evening for just the two of you. It could also look like attending a couples retreat, where you’ll receive professional guidance on ways to grow your love.

Attend Couples or Sex Therapy

An outside perspective is often helpful when you find yourselves caught up in challenges around low sex drive. A trained professional can provide insight and address fears about low sex drive ruining your relationship. You and your partner will learn your personal and interpersonal patterns, including how these have an impact on your sex life.

A therapist with specific training in sex therapy will bring extra focus to your alignment in the bedroom. You and your partner can more deeply explore the roots of low sex drive and the pathways to each of you getting your emotional and physical needs met.