The Effects of Insecure Attachment on Relationships

There is a continuity between early attachment styles and the quality of later adult romantic relationships. This belief is based on the internal working model, where an infant’s primary attachment forms a model or template for future relationships.

Adult relationships are likely to reflect the early attachment style because the experience a person has with their caregiver in childhood leads them to expect the same experiences in later relationships.

Parenting Style and Attachment Style

Research shows an intergenerational continuity between adult attachment types and their children. In other words, there is evidence that parents are passing down their attachment style to their children. Because people tend to base their parenting style on the internal working model, the attachment type tends to be passed on through generations of a family.

Anxious Attachment Style

One type of insecure attachment is anxious attachment. People with anxious attachment often have a fear of rejection and abandonment. They constantly seek validation. Relationships can become codependent. They have a negative view of themselves but can have an overly positive view of others.

Other Names For Anxious Attachment Style Include:

• Preoccupied attachment style.
• Anxious-preoccupied attachment style.
• Anxious-ambivalent attachment style.

Signs of an Anxious Attachment Style

• Clingy tendencies
• Highly sensitive to criticism (real or perceived)
• Needing approval from others
• Jealous behavior
• Difficulty being alone
• Low self-esteem
• Feeling unworthy of love
• Strong fear of rejection
• Strong fear of abandonment
• Difficulty trusting others

Cause of an Anxious Attachment Style

Anxious attachment style stems from inconsistent parenting that is not attuned to a child’s needs. Sometimes, the parents will be supportive and responsive to the child’s needs while other times they will be unavailable or unable to satisfy what the child needs.

Another cause linked to the development of an anxious attachment style is having a caregiver with a so-called “emotional hunger”. In this instance, the caregiver seeks emotional and/or physical closeness with the child in order to satisfy their own needs, rather than those of the child.

How an Anxious Attachment Style Impacts Romantic Relationships

People with anxious attachment desire intimacy but are anxious about whether their romantic partner will meet their emotional needs. Autonomy and independence can cause distress. In addition, they can become distressed if they detect any level of insincerity, unresponsiveness, or dismissiveness.
A partner with this style of attachment characterizes their most important romantic relationships by obsession, desire for reciprocation, emotional highs, and lows, as well as extreme sexual attraction and jealousy. For those with anxious attachment, falling in love may be easy. However, they feel that keeping a loving relationship is a great challenge.

Avoidant Attachment Style

This insecure style, also known as dismissive attachment, is characterized by a strong sense of self-sufficiency, often to the point of appearing detached. Individuals with dismissive attachment value their independence highly and may seem uninterested in close relationships. In contrast to anxious attachment, those with avoidant attachment hold a positive view of themselves and a negative view of others.

Signs of an Avoidant Attachment Style

• Putting up walls when someone tries to be intimate.
• Difficulty trusting others
• Ending relationships just to gain a sense of freedom
• Seeming distant to a partner
• Suppressing emotions
• Feeling significant highs and lows
• Denying support
• Strong desire to handle distress alone
• Jealous behavior
• Difficulty being vulnerable
• Spend more time alone than interacting with others
• Believing you don’t need others in your life
• Commitment issues

Cause of an Avoidant Attachment Style

An avoidant attachment style is the result of the primary caregiver ignoring the child’s emotional needs. The child felt unloved and uncared for. This forced the child to distance themself emotionally and find ways to self-soothe.

How an Avoidant Attachment Style Impacts Romantic Relationships

Individuals with avoidant attachment are driven by a fear of intimacy, making meaningful relationships difficult. While they don’t avoid romantic relationships, they tend to keep the other person at arm’s length. Therefore, their partner is unable to feel emotionally close to them and the relationship is unable to progress to any level of depth.

Disorganized Attachment Style

People with a disorganized attachment (aka fearful attachment) style, also known as fearful-avoidant attachment style have a negative view of themselves and of others. They fear intimacy as well as autonomy. As a result, they show signs of both anxious and avoidance attachment styles.

Signs of a Disorganized Attachment Style

• Fear of rejection
• Inability to identify or regulate emotions
• Conflicting behaviors
• High levels of anxiety
• Difficulty trusting others
• Signs of both avoidant and anxious attachment styles

Cause of a Disorganized Attachment Style

As a young child, they had mixed feelings toward their primary caregiver. They experienced both comfort and fear. At times their caregiver appears loving and attentive and at other times they are abusive or neglectful. As a result, the child views their caregiver as untrustworthy.

How a Disorganized Attachment Style Impacts Romantic Relationships

In relationships, people with disorganized attachment styles tend to have unpredictable and confusing behavior. They alternate between being distant and detached and being sensitive and dependent. They seek a loving connection while simultaneously pushing their partners away.

Alternative Causes of Insecure Attachment

Our early bond (or lack thereof) may not be the only factor that determines our attachment style.

Genetics and Biological Factors

A 2013 study produced findings indicating that the child’s inherited characteristics have a substantial influence on attachment. The research study on twins suggests that genes may play an important role in adolescent attachment and point to the potentially distinct causes involved in individual differences in attachment beyond early childhood.

Other Relationships

Most research on attachment theory centers around the relationship between you and your primary caregiver when you were a baby, specifically during the first 18 months of your life. But other people can influence your attachment style, too. Past friendships and romantic relationships can also shape the way you react to emotional cues. Even if you had a secure attachment in childhood, betrayal, and other difficult experiences can cause you to develop an insecure attachment later in life.

Once Insecure, Always Insecure?

Attachment types can shift with major life events, or even with different partners. For example, an insecurely attached person could form a secure bond if in a relationship with a securely attached person. Alternatively, it’s possible for someone with a secure attachment style to develop unhealthy relationship behaviors. Examples include trauma or the loss of a loved one. Therefore, not everyone fits entirely into one specific type.

Coping Strategies for People with an Insecure Attachment Style

Previously, attachment styles were thought to be unchangeable. An insecure attachment was simply an unfair sentence a person was given as an innocent child. Fortunately, newer research shows that attachment styles are not permanent and that It’s possible to shift from an insecure attachment to a healthy, secure attachment. But how? For some, the transition happens naturally. A relationship with a secure partner can help the other person feel more secure. Research has also cited aging as something that helps people become more secure.

However, the best way to become securely attached is to take an active role in the change. It is possible to develop a secure attachment on your own with hard work, patience, and self-compassion.

The first step is to review the behaviors to strive for, those of a securely attached person:

Having A Secure Attachment Style Means:

• Communicating your needs and wishes openly and confidently
• Being able to see the world from another person’s perspective
• Reflecting on your behaviors and mental state objectively
• Trusting both other people and yourself
• Maintaining solid self-esteem
• Feeling worthy of love and respect
• Establishing and maintaining boundaries

Understand Your Attachment Style

Once you know what your attachment style is you can start working on your healing journey. You can begin to understand your childhood experiences. You’ll need to think critically about how your upbringing impacted your attachment style and how you can break unhealthy patterns.

You (and your partner) can discover your attachment style with this quiz. Once you understand the interaction between your attachment style and that of your partner, you will be empowered to communicate more effectively. You’ll also be more equipped with the tools necessary to break through any limitations that may exist. Even though you and your partner may be fighting about a “surface issue,” insecure attachment triggers could be underlying the interaction.

Couples therapy can be highly beneficial. You and your partner can also attend a couples workshop to further strengthen your relationship. You have the power to stop the pattern of unhelpful behavior and start building a lasting connection.

Establishing Healthy Boundaries in Relationships

Setting (and sticking to) your boundaries is a valuable part of healing your relationship with yourself. It is one way to learn to feel more secure in relationships. Boundaries are guidelines for what is acceptable behavior to us as individuals.

When we have healthy boundaries, we value ourselves. We trust that we can form authentic connections without withdrawing or engaging in enmeshment. There are several types of boundaries to consider including boundaries around time, physical space, emotional space, material possessions, and sexual intimacy.

Learning to Validate Your Feelings

The first step in validating your feelings is being mindful of what it is you are feeling. Sometimes your actions are not in line with how you truly feel inside. Once you recognize what emotions you’re feeling, determine what you need. For example, “I feel overwhelmed. I need time by myself.” Next, you’ll want to accept your feelings without judgment. For example, “It’s okay to feel this way.” Third, avoid identifying with your feelings as they do not define you. Feelings are temporary. Notice the difference between saying “I am stressed” vs saying, “I feel stressed”.

Practice Self-Validation

In addition to validating your feelings, work on strengthening your self-validation. Many people with an insecure attachment require external validation. A securely attached individual is not constantly seeking reassurance from another person. Self-validation is a process of recognizing and accepting your strengths, achievements, positive attributes, and emotions. It’s also acknowledging the fact that you are not perfect and making mistakes does not take away from your worth or value.

Practicing Self-Compassion and Self-Care

Improving your self-compassion and self-care are healthy ways to better your relationship with yourself. Self-compassion is the ability to be kind to yourself and treat yourself with kindness, without judgment. It’s also the ability to forgive ourselves for our mistakes and flaws. Self-care means making time for what you love doing and taking care of your needs, which will help you feel less anxious in life and in relationships. Bringing a more balanced and happy self to a relationship will garner more connection.

Seeking Professional Help for an Insecure Attachment Style

Psychotherapy can be an effective way to cope with or even change one’s attachment style. There is more than one type of therapy proven to be helpful. One example is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which helps people identify negative thought patterns and unproductive behavior, unlearn these patterns, and develop new, healthier coping mechanisms

Another example is dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), which can help people regulate and manage their emotions better, cope with distress, and consider different perspectives.

Take Charge

As a young child, you do not get to choose your attachment style. But as an adult, you can choose to do something about it. It’s easy to blame the behaviors associated with your attachment on other people, but it won’t foster change. Make it your responsibility to heal yourself and your insecurities.