“You’ve noticed your partner hasn’t been themself. They seem withdrawn, disinterested, and generally down. You may have noticed changes in their sleeping or eating habits. Their work may be affected. Maybe they’re laughing less and sleeping more. If behavior like this has been going on for more than a few weeks, it could be depression.

What is Depression?

The National Institute of Mental Health defines depression (also known as major depression, major depressive disorder, or clinical depression) as a common but serious mood disorder. The disorder causes severe symptoms that affect how a person thinks, feels, and handles daily activities, such as sleeping, eating, or working. Major depression is one of the most common mental illnesses, affecting more than 8% (21 million) of American adults each year.

Depression can look different depending on the person, but it’s usually characterized by feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness, or hopelessness. In addition, some people experience angry outbursts, irritability, or frustration over small things. Some people with depression exhibit a loss of interest in their previously enjoyed hobbies and activities.

Types of Depression

There are different types of depression, some of which develop due to specific circumstances.

Major Depressive Disorder (MDD)

Also known as clinical depression, major depressive disorder is a mental health condition characterized by an unwavering low mood often accompanied by low self-esteem and loss of interest or pleasure in activities that a person previously found enjoyable. To meet the criteria for major depressive disorder (MDD), symptoms must be present nearly every day for at least two weeks.

Persistent Depressive Disorder (PDD)

PDD refers to a longer-lasting form of depression. While major depressive disorder is diagnosed if a person experiences symptoms for at least two weeks, persistent depressive disorder is used when symptoms of depression are present most days for at least two years but do not reach the severity of a major depressive episode.

Post-Partum Depression(PPD)

This is a type of depression a woman may experience after childbirth. Post-partum depression lasts at least two weeks and up to a year.

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD)

PMDD is a form of pre-menstrual syndrome diagnosed when a woman experiences severe symptoms of depression, tension, and irritability in the week prior to menstruation. While many women experience emotional and physical changes leading up to menstruation, women who meet the criteria for PMDD experience changes that impact their lives in more significant ways.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

SAD is a type of depression associated with changes in seasons and varying levels of sunlight. Most often, symptoms begin in the fall and continue through the winter months.

Signs and Symptoms of Depression

Depression has some tell-tale signs. For example, they’re not leaving home as much. They’re declining social events. Their physical appearance has changed, in a way that says they don’t care. Have you noticed more dishes in the sink or a messier bedroom?

Symptoms of depression include:

• Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
• Sleeping too much or too little; middle of the night or early morning waking
• Weight fluctuations; reduced appetite and weight loss, or increased appetite and weight gain
• Loss of pleasure and interest in activities once enjoyed, including sex
• Restlessness, irritability
• Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment (such as chronic pain or digestive disorders)
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
• Fatigue or loss of energy
• Feeling guilty, hopeless, or worthless
• Thoughts of suicide or death

To be diagnosed with depression (other than PMDD), the symptoms must be present for at least 2 weeks.

Risk Factors for Developing Depression

There are a number of different things that lead to depression. For some people, it’s one factor. For others, it’s a combination of a few that cause depression.

Biological

People with depression may have too little or too much of certain brain chemicals known as “neurotransmitters.” Changes in neurotransmitters can cause or contribute to depression.

Cognitive

People with unhealthy, negative thinking patterns and low self-esteem are more likely to develop clinical depression. Research supports that people’s thoughts, inferences, attitudes, and interpretations, as well as the way in which they attend to and recall information, can increase their risk for depression.

Gender

Women experience depression more than men. However, the reasons for this are still unclear. Hormonal changes women go through during menstruation, pregnancy, childbirth, and menopause may be to blame.

Comorbidity

Depression often accompanies other mental or physical conditions. The most prevalent comorbidities are anxiety disorders, substance use disorders, and other depressive disorders. Heart disease, cancer, Parkinson’s disease, diabetes, Alzheimer’s disease, Multiple Sclerosis, and hormonal disorders are also commonly seen along with depression.

Medications

Side effects of some medications can bring about depression. Corticosteroids, anticonvulsants, and opioids are a few examples of medications that can cause depression. Hormonal contraceptives, stimulants, and proton pump inhibitors (PPIs) may also cause depression.

Genetic

A family history of depression increases the risk of developing the illness. Research also suggests that a combination of genes and environmental factors go hand in hand to increase the risk of depression.

Situational

Challenging, stressful life events, including divorce, financial problems, or the death of a loved one can lead to depression.

Recognizing the Signs of Depression in Your Partner

In addition to the more general symptoms of mood and behavior associated with depression, you may see your relationship impacted in the following ways:

You’re not having sex

If your mood is down your libido usually goes down too.

You’re fighting more

Depression causes people to become easily irritated. Little things that would usually not bother them, may now cause them to get upset.

They’re doing less

With depression comes a significant decrease in motivation and energy. Maybe they’re no longer contributing to household tasks. Or they’ve stopped picking up after themselves, stopped cooking, and exercising. They might become less involved with the kids.

They’re Withdrawn

People with depression have a tendency to isolate themselves even though that usually makes matters worse. You might think it’s best to stay on your own island of negativity so that you’re not bringing other people down. You might be ashamed of the way your depression is affecting you. However, isolating will only confuse and frustrate your partner. Keep your partner in the loop. If you need some space let them know, but don’t completely shut them out.

They’re Isolating

You’re a lot less social when you’re depressed. Your spouse wants to take you out but you’d rather stay home. You’re finding excuses to decline just about anything that involves leaving or being around people. Even a game at home with your partner might feel forced. Compromise. Find something safe like a feel-good movie to watch with your spouse.

Dealing with a Depressed Partner

When your significant other has depression it can be overwhelming and confusing. You want more than anything to help them, but you don’t know how. Many people believe they are capable of pulling their partner out of the dark place they’re in. But the truth is that depression is a disease. Just like a physical disease such as arthritis, depression cannot be cured by another person. However, that’s not to say that you cannot help your partner manage the symptoms of depression. You are needed more than ever to support them as they go through the great pain that comes with depression.

Be Patient

Depression is both mentally and physically draining. They might be less active around the house. They might not have the energy to go out and do the things you previously enjoyed doing together. Try not to force them into any situation. Suggest small things like a walk around the neighborhood.

Love Them

Listening is a powerful way to show support. Look them in the eyes. Hold their hand as they speak. Tell them, “I understand” and “That must be hard”. And when they have nothing to say, showing up then is just as important. Hug them and tell them you’re there for them. Show them unconditional love even when they’re acting out.

Don’t Take it Personally

Remember that it’s not you. It isn’t something you did. Also, remember that your partner didn’t choose this. No one is to blame besides the terrible illness known as depression. They may be hard to be around. They can seem angry. Some days it might look like they don’t care about you or the relationship you’ve built, but that’s not the reality.

Help Them Help Themselves

“In sickness and in health”. Your partner is sick. Therapy can be a game changer for people with depression, and for some, medication is the best treatment. If your partner is not already seeing a therapist, you can help steer them in that direction. If they are resistant, offer to join them in couples therapy. Remind them that you care about them and you want them to feel better. Also, know that it is not up to you to make them better.

Don’t Forget Your Needs

Sometimes being in the role of a supportive partner can make you lose sight of your own needs. Practice self-care. Your partner might not be emotionally available for the time being, and you’ll need someone to talk to during this tough time. Consider seeing a therapist individually to help you work through your own feelings. You can be a more supportive partner when you’re being taken care of.

If You’re Struggling With Depression

While in the tight grasp of depression, your instinct may be to deal with it on your own. Some people pretend they’re okay, even with those closest to them. But your partner wants to be let in. While they cannot make everything okay, they can support you. Here are some ways to help yourself and your relationship.

Lack of Intimacy

Without communicating what’s going on, your partner is likely to think they are the reason why you’re not interested in sex. Let your partner know that it’s not them. Tell them to bear with you, as you manage the symptoms of depression.

Moodiness and Irritability

To your partner, it can seem like you’re picking a fight. You’re frustrated with the way you’re feeling. Therefore, you might be looking for something or someone to take it out on. The person we’re closest to gets to be on the receiving end of these negative feelings. Recognize and acknowledge your behavior. Come up with a plan and clue your partner in on it.

Overwhelm and Decreased Motivation

Ask for help. Depression can cause you to feel overwhelmed over nearly anything. Start small. And don’t be afraid to take breaks and ask for help.

Take The Next Step

Depression requires treatment. For some people that means medication. For others, it’s just therapy. Sometimes it’s both. Meeting with a mental health professional can help you move in the right direction, and start feeling better.