Shame makes us feel unworthy and flawed. Shame can take over completely, riddling us with feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy. It can manifest as anger and cause us to withdraw. Unsurprisingly, shame throws a wrench into a relationship.

Shame acts as a wall preventing physical or emotional intimacy from entering the relationship.

Shame Spotting

Being able to identify when your partner is dealing with shame can make all the difference. Relationships benefit when partners can recognize when the other person is sinking into shame.

Shame Attack

A “shame attack” (also known as a shame shudder) is a moment of extreme self-doubt where we attack ourselves with demeaning thoughts. For example, during a shame attack, someone may put themselves down by saying things like, “I’m so stupid”, “I’m pathetic”, or “I fail at everything”. The self-insults may be out loud to others or in their self-talk. When experiencing a shame attack people use catastrophic thinking and question their self-worth.

Signs of a Shame Attack

Tips to spot your partner’s shame attack:

• Listen to their words: They might say things like “I’m not good enough” or “I feel like you’re judging me”.
• Withdrawal: They may go silent or try to hide away.
• Anger: They may show anger or try to transfer their pain to you.
• Body language: They may blush, avoid eye contact, or appear tense.

Shame attacks are more commonly short-term. However, sometimes shame attacks are prolonged. Signs of long-term shame attacks include:

• Perfectionism: They may be bending over backward, with a standard of perfectionism, thinking that anything else is a failure.
• Decreased self-care: Since they feel like others don’t value them, they may stop valuing themselves. This could manifest as changes in appearance, hygiene, or eating habits.

Combating Your Partner’s Shame

After uncovering a partner’s shame, you’re then able to help dissolve their shame through empathy and compassion. Your partner needs you to be a safe place for them. They are listening to the false beliefs in their head telling them they are no good. You can help by making them feel accepted. This involves the following:

Listening. Even though they may go through a false narrative of how unworthy they are, let them get that out. It is part of the process. They want you to listen and empathize with them.

Not taking blame. Remind yourself that your partner’s shame is not about you. Shame is self-inflicted. If your partner is feeling shame because of something they did or said to you, or even something you said to them, it is not your fault.

Allowing the process. Instantly forgiving them and moving on is not helpful. It doesn’t allow them to fully process the situation.

Relate. Rather than going through a list of reasons why they are worthy and good, hear them out, and try to relate to what they’re going through. You could say, “I know what that’s like…it’s a horrible feeling”.

Recognize your own shame. Be aware of any shame you may be experiencing and when it’s triggered by your partner’s shame.

Relocating the Shame

While it might have been a comment from your partner that ignited the shame, it is our own judging mind that is the true culprit. Attacking others, like your partner can serve to disown the shame that we feel. In order to escape shame’s self-diminishing effects, expressing contempt toward a partner or shaming them, re-locates one’s own shame in the other.

Definition of Shame

Shame is an emotion that involves a negative self-evaluation and a belief that others will perceive the self negatively. It can be triggered by social events that cause a person to feel rejected or that they haven’t lived up to certain standards. Shame can also be caused by internalized negative self-beliefs, such as personal insecurities, secrets, mistakes, or perceived flaws. Shame can be hard to label because it can operate outside of conscious awareness. This also makes it challenging to overcome.

It is considered a secondary emotion often arising from a primary emotion like sadness. Generally, shame involves negatively judging yourself when you believe you’ve failed to live up to your personal standards or the standards of others.

State Shame vs. Trait Shame

Shame can be grouped and measured in two ways – state shame and trait shame.

State shame is a feeling of shame that occurs in the moment. It can be triggered by events like a child mocking another child on the playground or an adult belittling someone at work. State shame can occur when a person is bullied, ridiculed, or judged.

With trait shame, the person has a tendency to be more vulnerable to the consequences of shame. Over time, state shame can internalize and become a part of a person, which is when trait shame can develop. People with trait shame are more likely to experience shame frequently and intensely, even in situations where shame is not warranted.

Shame vs Guilt

We tend to lump together shame and guilt. However, research shows there to be a profound difference between the two.

Guilt is a negative feeling that focuses on a specific action or behavior. Guilt arises from the question of an outside source asking you why you are not doing better. Shame doesn’t ask that kind of question.

Instead of focusing on an action or behavior, shame focuses on the entire self. Shame originates from being regarded as lesser or of no importance or worthy of being mistreated. When you see yourself as smaller or weaker than others, then you know it is shame. Almost everyone who has been abused or abandoned, or has been marginalized is going to have issues around shame.

Differentiating toxic shame and healthy shame

Healthy Shame

Most people would describe shame as a negative thing. However, some people believe there is a type of shame that can be positive, directing us toward good behavior and growth. Cigarette smoking, today is generally viewed as bad by society. If a person is sensitive to a social stigma, they may also perceive their habit as bad, and may even take steps to decrease their behavior.

Dr. Chris Germer describes shame as being connected to our need for love. Germer believes that underneath shame is the desire to be loved, and that shame comes from a negative view of ourselves through the perspective of another person.

Feeling guilty after yelling at your partner is an example of healthy shame. You feel bad about your behavior because it goes against your value system. The shame is telling you to make amends.

Unhealthy shame, on the other hand, is when we allow ourselves to be defined by a weakness or something we have no control over. Toxic shame is the feeling of being a bad person. The person believes they are worthless, or inadequate. Toxic shame can develop from their attachment style, formed as a child.

Toxic Shame

Toxic shame comes from constantly being told you’re not enough. It results in negative self-talk that stays with you. Toxic shame can be quite harmful to both our physical and mental health. It is deeply absorbed in the nervous system. This means you feel it in your gut.

Toxic shame is self-punishing and tends to linger on. According to the Gottman Institute, it causes us to engage in negative self-talk such as, “I am such a bad person, I should stop trying” (instead of “I did something bad. How can I fix it?”). We think, “I am not good enough” (instead of “I am worthy just the way I am and I can work on improving myself”). We may tell ourselves “I am a failure” (instead of “It’s okay to fail. I am learning, and I can try again.”).

Where do these negative perceptions and scripts come from? You can learn these negative beliefs through shame-inducing caregivers, teachers, bullies, partners, friends, etc. It causes people to feel alone, disconnected, and more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors. According to Dr. Brene Brown’s extensive and influential research on shame, shame is related to violence, aggression, depression, addiction, eating disorders, and bullying.

How Shame Blocks Intimacy

Shame can be a huge obstacle to the growth of intimacy in a relationship. Shame negatively impacts intimacy in the following ways:

• Stops the good from getting in. Shame is a barrier to feeling lovable and loving ourselves. It stands in the way of truly trusting and experiencing a partner’s honest expressions of love.
• Takes us out of the present. Shame interferes with the ability to be in the moment with your partner. Instead, it keeps you in your head.
• Decreases sex. Shame can lead to reduced interest in physical intimacy. Sometimes shame can produce anger regarding a partner’s expressed desire for sex or other physical intimacy.
• Creates defensiveness. Because shame harbors self-criticism and self-doubt, it makes people more sensitive to criticisms, even perceived criticism. For example, a partner may be given supportive feedback but they hear it as an insult to who they are, adding to the negativity they already feel. They then go into defensive mode. This stops them from being able to hear what the other person is trying to express.
• Anger towards partner. Reduced self-worth causes us to withdraw. Shame and even shame about having shame, can come out as anger, especially towards a partner. This is a strategy to keep them at arm’s length. It’s also a type of self-sabotage: you think you are unworthy of love so you push the love away.

Dealing With Shame and Moving Beyond

Self-compassion is the antidote to shame. Self-compassion is a skill that anyone can learn. Be kind to yourself. Attempt to treat yourself with patience and understanding. Monitor your self-talk and try to only say things you’d say to a friend.

The following can help with self-compassion:

Letter to yourself exercise

Write a letter to someone you care about. Next, reframe what you wrote and read it as a letter to yourself. This can help awaken a capacity to relate to yourself in a gentler, more caring way.

Keep a journal

Make it a habit to write down the things you like about yourself. You could also log your shame-related thoughts so that you can recognize them when they creep in.

Understand the origins of your shame

One way to identify shame is by working backward from its outcomes. In other words, look at the experiences that shame causes and see if you can identify if shame is part of what got you there.

Respond to yourself as you would a loved one

If your partner made a mistake and felt bad about it, would you rub salt in the wound and tell them they are a generally bad person? Probably not. Talk to yourself the way you would them.

Loving-kindness meditations

Loving-kindness meditation is a kind of meditation that has been shown in research to increase positive emotions. In this meditation, you imagine yourself giving love out to others and receiving it back. You can undo shame-focused messages from your past by trying to imagine giving love out to those who may done something to you that led to shame. Then you imagine giving the love back. You might imagine them saying something like, “I wish you all the health and happiness you desire.” You can find more guidance on how to do this meditation here.

Share your feelings

Shame feeds on silence. You can diminish shame by airing it out. Talk to your partner about your feelings.

Go to therapy

Sometimes the feelings of shame are so big that you don’t feel comfortable talking about it with your partner, despite them being a safe space. That’s because shame has attacked any healthy perception of yourself, making you think that your partner will validate your negative thoughts.

A therapist is a third-party expert, who will not break up with you despite your openness, (though you may believe your partner would). A therapist can help you work through your shame and build self-esteem. Through the help of a mental health professional, you can explore your past and understand milestones that built up as the source of that shame. Therapy can help you grow self-compassion and tame your inner critic.