Signs Your Partner Lacks Emotional Intelligence

There are multiple signs to look for when we are wondering if your partner lacks emotional intelligence. Although the presentation of these signs varies from person to person, common threads exist between them. A few of these include:

Difficulty displaying emotion

A partner who lacks emotional intelligence is likely to seem detached or distant. We might start to question if they experience emotions in the same way we do. While our partners often are having emotional responses, they have difficulty displaying them. This is due to being out of touch with themselves and unaware of the body sensations that signify emotion.

Emotional impulsivity may also come up with a partner who lacks emotional intelligence. This means that, when they do display emotion, it is intense and uncontrolled. Unprocessed feelings have built up over time. The body sensations our partners were unaware of become so intense that they are released all at once rather than as they arise.

High levels of anxiety and/or anger

Anxiety and anger act as defensive emotions, often protecting against challenging core experiences such as sadness or fear. A partner who lacks emotional intelligence may have high levels of anxiety and/or anger due to distrust in their ability to tolerate emotional discomfort. 

Defensive emotional responses operate subconsciously. They are wired into the nervous system based on messaging received about emotional safety and emotional expression. Our partner’s limitations in recognizing underlying emotions can be frustrating. It is helpful to keep in mind that high levels of anxiety and/or anger are automatic, subconscious, and not about us personally.

Challenges explaining what they feel

People with low emotional intelligence are not likely to know what they are going through or where their emotions are coming from. They also tend to identify emotions incorrectly. For example, they might conclude that they are irritated when they are truly feeling sad. Processing emotions in a relationship is more difficult when we are with a partner who displays this sign.

Frustration is common in couples when one person struggles with explaining what they feel. A partner who lacks emotional intelligence may not be able to provide the emotional information the other partner needs. Miscommunication in this area can heighten tension and perpetuate conflict cycles.

Dismissive toward the feelings of other

The way we treat others is a reflection of our relationship with ourselves. A partner who lacks emotional intelligence is dismissive of their own feelings, and therefore dismissive of the feelings of others. Their interactions tend to gravitate toward logic and problem solving. Low ability to empathize can widen rifts in their close relationships.

Dismissiveness toward the feelings of others also shows up in our relational communication with our partners. We may feel unheard or unsupported in our emotional needs. A sense of aloneness becomes pervasive even when we are physically spending time together.

Tips for Dealing with Low Emotional Intelligence

Feeling consistently alone and uncertain because our partner lacks emotional intelligence is not a sustainable way to relate. However, pushing our partners to change if they are not ready ends up pushing them away. It is instead valuable to examine how we can meet them where they are without compromising our own emotional needs. Several tips for this include:

Ask how they communicate best

Verbal communication is only one way of telling others about our emotional experience. Identifying how we are feeling and articulating those feelings with words requires a high level of emotional intelligence. A partner who lacks emotional intelligence may be able to express themselves better in a different way.

For example, if our partner lets us know that they are able to be more expressive in writing, then starting a couples journal is an idea to try. This might look like taking turns making an entry several evenings a week. Insight can be gained in this way due to writing’s ability to provide reflection time and lower our defenses.

Bond over shared experiences

Shared experiences are an integral part of a fulfilling relationship. Recurring experiences, such as creating a routine with our partners, build security. Novel experiences, such as trying a new restaurant together, create excitement. Both are methods of bonding and strengthening attachment when a partner lacks emotional intelligence.

A high level of emotional intelligence is not necessary for enjoyment in the process of making memories with our partners. We may come to appreciate the ways our partner cares for us that are separate from emotional intelligence. Ensuring that the laundry is put away or picking up the bill because they’d like to trat us are examples of this.

Ask yes or no questions

People with low emotional intelligence are typically less self-aware. This causes difficulty in expressing what they feel and can make open-ended questions overwhelming. For example, asking, “How was your day?” might prompt anxiety, a terse answer such as “fine”, or sticking to facts rather than discussing emotions.

Yes or no questions make emotional identification easier. They provide options rather than expecting that the partner who lacks emotional intelligence will be able to identify what is going on for them. This can look like asking, “Did your day feel exciting or were you feeling bored?” or “Did you feel happy with what I did or upset by it?” Choosing specific emotions and centering questions around them improves the chances of having a productive emotional conversation.

Practice radical acceptance

While the above suggestions can mitigate the impact of low emotional intelligence, they do not remove it. Taking away the challenges that come with relating when our partner lacks emotional intelligence is not possible. The practice of radical acceptance assists us in continuing to be present through these challenges.

Radical acceptance means being in the moment regardless of what the moment looks like. In the case of low emotional intelligence, this might mean learning to meet our own emotional needs. We refrain from judging or criticizing our partner for their inability to be there emotionally. We then ask ourselves how we can be there for ourselves. We engage in self-care, commit to approaching our partner in a new way, or call upon a trusted person in our community.

A relationship can still succeed when a partner lacks emotional intelligence. Innovative ways of coming together foster connection without the need to discuss emotions. Close others may be willing to show up for us in ways our partner cannot. Recognizing the signs of and finding strategies to work with low emotional intelligence gives us the opportunity to create meaningful, enduring love.

If you are seeking personalized information about emotions, desires, and fulfillment in your relationship, taking the core relationship desire quiz can help. The results provide insight on partnership needs and are a starting point for emotional intelligence work with a couples therapist.