You might be mid-scoff wondering “who’s this wacky therapist claiming negative impacts of cuddling?” Or maybe you’re scanning your week pinpointing all the cuddling that may be considered “too much”. Either way, let’s pause. Allow me to pull the release valve. Cuddles are allowed, abound, and wonderful.
Let’s turn to the wonder drug, Oxytocin, to learn a bit more about cuddles. Our miraculous bodies produce the feel-good chemical oxytocin during sex, breastfeeding, touch, and cuddles. The “bonding drug” creates attachment. Just as it bonds a woman to her baby to aid in the survival of the child, it bonds a mate to their partner for safety, trust, and reproduction.
Referred to as the “cuddle hormone,” oxytocin is the chemical scientifically found to be released and increased in hand-holding and hugging, while cortisol, the stress hormone, decreases. While oxytocin bathes us in the joy of attachment, it also includes our attachments with our friends and our families. This leads us to a great appreciation for having distinct and separate areas of the brain, and chemicals, that are involved with lust and attraction.
Sexual desire, lust, and the selfish pursuit of sexual gratification are driven by estrogen and testosterone. Attraction, a related but distinct phenomenon, involves the brain’s “reward pathway” and is created by the surge of dopamine and a related chemical, norepinephrine. As an article published by Harvard University states, “these are chemicals that make us giddy, energetic, and euphoric.”
So, here we land in the throes of love’s arms: dynamic, complex, and chemically relevant. If you haven’t already guessed, my level of intrigue stems from the countless couples that come to see me in my therapy practice. They all have a similar story: “We are so in love. We have a great relationship; we’re not having sex.”
If you also haven’t already guessed, I am also obsessed with author and therapist Esther Perel, the sassy couples therapist famous for her work on intimacy, infidelity, and desire. The couples that come to my office talk about their decreased libido, how they are stressed from work, and can’t get out of their heads. All this may be true. However, if we marry our chemistry lesson with Esther’s body of work “Mating in Captivity,” it could also be true that “loving someone” is chemically different than “desiring them.”
This brings me to that horrific question posed in the title of this article: Is there such a thing as too much cuddling? Could it be that our ideal balance of bonded love with erotic love, is actually a chemical balance? Is it possible that we are over-saturating the sizzle with cuddles of oxytocin leaving no room for the ignition of lust’s estrogen and testosterone and attraction’s dopamine?
Unfortunately for y’all, I’m not a chemist so I don’t actually know if there is a limited amount of space for each of these chemical interactions. What I do know is that sexual happiness means stepping out of the comfort zone and taking risks. It means engaging the healthy part of the sympathetic nervous system, the part of our bodies responsible for action, excitement, arousal, and passion.
Am I saying that playing mainly with cuddles alone could potentially lead to an over-engaged sympathetic nervous system that can also lead to apathy, boredom, and dissociation? Yes. Simply put, distance is essential to eroticism. Stepping back from the comfort of the cuddles and tolerating feeling more alone is a precondition for maintaining interest.
Besides providing a good dose of oxytocin, cuddling offers the following for a relationship:
Is cuddling detrimental to sex?
Some argue that too much cuddling can actually decrease the frequency and quality of sex. The idea is that the cuddling fulfills the intimacy we’d otherwise get from sex. So the cuddling is instead of sex.
Another perspective is that excessive cuddling means you’re too “cozy” with your partner. And being too comfortable could extinguish some of the heat in the bedroom. Excessive touching, and when it comes to cuddling, frequently having your bodies touching, removes some of the mystery. We need mystery in order to have desire.
But aren’t they intertwined?
On the other hand, sex and cuddling might complement each other. For example, cuddling can lead to sex. And cuddling post-sex is a good way to further bond after that experience.
However, relationship cuddling should be able to exist outside of sex. It’s important to have non-sexual physical intimacy in a relationship.
It may be surprising to learn that men tend to value cuddling more than women do. In fact, research has found that for men in a long-term relationship, cuddling improves their relationship satisfaction.
And research has found that men and women want to cuddle for different reasons. Women tend to use cuddling as foreplay. Men don’t seem to set out to have cuddling lead to sex. However, the touching often gets them in the mood to go a step further.
Like most things in life, balance is best. There’s no denying the positive aspects cuddling can bring to your relationship, but too much could mean there’s no space for other things. Allow time when cuddling is disconnected from sex.
For more information on balancing your lust and love life, visit our couples sex therapy page. For more insight into “over togetherness” and how closeness can actually put the passion fire out, check out Esther Perel’s books and podcasts. As Ester puts it, “When there is nothing left to hide, there is nothing left to seek.”
If you want to get started understanding yourself and your partner, you can take our short quiz to learn how to satisfy both of your needs.
Marni Levy is a licensed marriage and family therapist. Her work with couples is a compassionate and loving approach which honors the anger and frustration that comes up when the bond is being threatened and transforms reactive cycles into positive, connected cycles of empathy and repair, emotional responsiveness and affection. Areas she works in: navigating conflict, assertiveness, expressing feelings and needs, physical/emotional intimacy… Read More!
Love, Actually: The science behind lust, attraction, and companionship
Human Connections Start With A Friendly Touch
Mating in Captivity. Ester Perel. Harper; New York, NY 2006.
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