Heartbreak is one of the most difficult human experiences. It can come with such an intense set of emotions that the pain manifests itself physically. Your chest might feel like it’s caving in, your legs might feel like they are full of bricks, and your head might feel foggy. The love and connection hormones that you once received from being with your partner are suddenly gone. In the absence of these hormones, your body goes through a process similar to withdrawal from substances.

Be gentle with yourself if you are going through any of the above. The throes of heartbreak mean that you gave yourself the opportunity to share a deep bond with another person. Your present hurt does not take away the beautiful moments that you and your partner had together. Taking the time you need to fully process your emotions and finding a therapist for a breakup can help you heal, grow, and make meaning out of this time in your life.

Tips on How to Deal with a Breakup

Everyone has unique ways of dealing with a breakup. What works for your friend, coworker, or family member might not be exactly what ends up working for you. However, there are general tips that can serve as a guide as you figure out your best way forward. These include:

Remember it takes time

It’s human to want to feel better right away after a breakup. We are wired to avoid pain, and this includes painful emotions. Your relationship with your partner was a significant part of your life that involved attachment to one another. Willing yourself into immediately being content, happy, and excited about life again is impossible. Healing from a breakup always takes time.

You might be asking yourself, “But how much time?!” This is dependent on how long and how involved the relationship was (i.e. you will likely feel better sooner after a 3 month relationship breakup than after a divorce). Surveys have shown that it takes about eleven weeks to see a marked improvement in how you are feeling, and that the actual time frame for being ready to move on varies. Your attachment style, past history, and experiences in the relationship have bearing on how your personal timeline will look.

Rely on your loved ones

Wanting to self-isolate is common when you’ve recently split from a partner. You might fear that you’ll be bothering friends and loved ones with your post-breakup blues. You might want to spend your days wallowing with comfort foods and favorite television shows. While spending time on your own can be an important part of healing, pushing yourself to reach out to those who care about you is equally crucial. The close others in your life are wanting and willing to provide support, connection, and understanding.

Reaching out can start with identifying what you need and asking for it. This could sound like, “I’ve been feeling lonely, will you come watch a movie with me?” or, “It would be awesome if you could help me get out of the house today. Do you want to have lunch?” Most people have been through a breakup at some point in their lives. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable about your experience has the ability to strengthen your connections in ways you might not have expected.

Feel your feelings

Breakups can come with feelings of sadness, anger, upset, disbelief, denial, exhaustion, confusion, and more. Sometimes these all come up within the same day! Making space for the range of emotions you are likely experiencing can seem like a daunting task. Avoiding and repressing seem like easier avenues at first. However, what you choose not to feel does not go away on its own – challenging emotions will find their way to the surface eventually.

Letting yourself live in the temporary discomfort of a breakup serves your overall health and wellbeing in the long run. One way to feel your feelings is to set aside intentional time each day. During this time you might stream of consciousness journal, pay attention to sensations in your body, or make room to cry. You will likely find a bit of relief in giving yourself permission to show up as you are. When you keep riding the emotional waves of a breakup instead of trying to subvert them, those waves will eventually get smaller.

Focus on self-care

Even meeting your basic needs can be a struggle in the midst of a breakup. Commit to asking yourself daily if you have:

• Eaten a nourishing meal
• Had a glass of water
• Taken any prescription medications
• Paid bills that are due
• Gone for a walk recently

You might not have the energy to accomplish each of these every day. Doing just one or two basic tasks can go a long way in improving your mood. It is also okay to ask for others to help if you find that you are struggling longer term. Finding a therapist for a breakup can be worthwhile if you are experiencing persistent depression or anxiety.

Also ask yourself if you lost touch with any activities or hobbies you used to enjoy while you were in your relationship. Refinding the joy you once took in these is an excellent way to focus on self-care. This could look like making art, exercising, or anything else that you once took part in regularly. Building up your sense of self will aid you in feeling more grounded and able to manage the complexities of navigating a breakup.

Go no contact with your ex

Regardless of the level of amicable that your breakup with your partner was, a period of no contact is almost always necessary for healing. Continued contact stifles your grieving process and confuses your nervous system. Choosing to go no contact gives you time to acknowledge, accept, and mourn that the relationship has ended.

No contact extends beyond direct conversation. It means no calling/texting, no keeping tabs on them online, and no asking friends for information about them. Remember, this is a way of honoring your needs even when the emotions that arise are painful. Being perfect is not the goal – it is likely that you will want to reach out or slip up from time-to-time. The most important part is treating yourself well through coming back to what is best for your personal growth.

When Do You Need a Therapist?

Therapy can benefit most anyone. Following a breakup, there are circumstances where finding a therapist might be especially useful. A few of these are:

You are looking for a non-judgmental space

As mentioned above, friends, family, and loved ones are a vital source of support when you are going through a breakup. You might also find your close others inserting their own experiences when you are expressing how you feel. While it can be reliving to know you are not alone, it’s natural to want a space that is just for you. A licensed therapist will offer a non-judgmental zone where you are free to process all that is on your mind.

You are struggling with your mental health

Temporary mental health symptoms are likely to arise in the immediate aftermath of a breakup. There are situations where you might notice that these symptoms are not improving after several months. Noticing that you are experiencing signs of anxiety, depression, or another mental health condition long-term indicates that finding a therapist is a good next step. Seeing a professional will help you identify and work through the root causes of your challenges.

You want healthier relationships in the future

Each person plays a role in the scenarios that lead to a breakup. No matter how small or large you believe your role might have been, taking accountability and noticing relational patterns moves you toward building healthier relationships in the future. Finding a therapist for a breakup aids you in exploring attachment styles, communication patterns, and core desires. By doing this work, you will be learning how to find a great fit when you put yourself back out there!