What is Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment?

There are two main categories of attachment: secure and insecure. As children, we seek comfort and support from our caregivers. If both our physical and emotional needs are met, we become what’s known as ‘securely attached’.

Secure attachment, the ideal type, is the result of an attachment where the child feels safe, secure, valued, and comforted. Someone with secure attachment had a caregiver(s) who were emotionally available and aware of their own emotions and behaviors. The child then goes on to model that in their future relationships.

There are three different types of insecure attachment: anxious, disorganized, and dismissive-avoidant. The third type is also referred to as simply, avoidant. Someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment will avoid intimacy and prefer independence. This attachment style is usually the result of actual or perceived rejection from caregivers during the first eighteen months of life.

Signs and Symptoms of Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment

The most dominant aspect of a dismissive-avoidant style is self-sufficiency. People with dismissive-avoidant attachments despise the idea of relying on someone else. Equally unappealing is other people relying on them.

Characteristics of a dismissive-avoidant attachment style:

Secretive

In addition, people who are dismissive-avoidant are often secretive and inflexible, not allowing their own plans to be influenced by others. They often choose not to share their plans at all.

Dismissive

When someone tries to get close to a person with a dismissive-avoidant attachment, they’re likely to move in the opposite direction, backing away. For this reason, they can come off as cold and distant.

Arrogant

Those with dismissive-avoidant attachment often appear very confident. They sometimes display toxic behavior where they act as though they are better than others and criticize people. This can look like they have a superiority complex, but in reality, they are highly fearful of rejection.

Distrusting

Avoidant individuals tend to have an underlying belief that other people cannot be trusted or relied upon. They cope with this by not counting on anyone besides themself and suppressing their need for closeness. They usually choose to deal with their problems independently even if people offer help.

Fear of Abandonment

Avoidant individuals tend to believe that when others notice their deficiencies, they will abandon them. So, to avoid this from happening, they abandon others first.

Suppress Emotions

Individuals with a dismissive-avoidant style often suppress or completely dismiss their own emotions. They can have a hard time even recognizing their feelings. They hold a belief that emotions indicate weakness and vulnerability, something they try to avoid at all costs.

Additional characteristics of dismissive avoidant attachment:

• Putting up walls when someone tries to be intimate.
• Having difficulty trusting others
• Ending relationships just to gain a sense of freedom
• Seeming distant to a partner
• Suppressing emotions
• Feeling significant highs and lows
• Denying support
• Holding a strong desire to handle distress alone
• Exhibiting jealous behavior
• Difficulty being vulnerable
• Spending more time alone than interacting with others

Dismissive-avoidance attachment is the opposite of anxious attachment which is characterized by dependency on others to feel validated.

Causes of Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment

It seems that it’s not just one thing that predicts dismissive avoidant attachment.

Relationship with Caregiver

According to attachment theory, our early bond with our primary caregivers is what determines our attachment style. Therefore, a dismissive-avoidant attachment style forms at a young age. Specifically, it’s the bond in the child’s first year or two of life that really matters. The child wonders questions like, will other people take care of me? Can I trust and rely on them?

When it comes to avoidant attachment, the guardian did not acknowledge or meet the child’s needs. The caregiver is not not necessarily neglectful, rather they are misattuned to the child’s emotional needs. They tend to become less available as the child’s needs increase. The more the child reaches out for support, the more likely the caregiver is to back off.

In addition, the guardian might show disdain for the child’s displays of emotions, whether positive or negative. Even in joy, the parent may disrupt this display of emotion, expecting them to be more serious. Over time, this teaches the child to be independent, emotionless, and even detached.

Possible reasons why the caregiver was distant include:

• Being a young parent/not being mature enough to care for a baby
• Dealing with a highly stressful situation (ie. death of a loved one, abandonment of partner/the other parent
• Mental illness such as major depression

More often than not, the parent has a dismissive avoidant attachment style and carries that on to the next generation.

Living Situation and Trauma

Another way people can develop an avoidant attachment style is through unstable living situations in childhood. Examples include being adopted, switching foster homes, experiencing their parent’s divorce, and the death of a parent or close caregiver. Situations like this, where the child is without a constant person to rely on for love and support are more likely to breed dismissive avoidant attachment.

Genetics

While it’s true that environment often plays a big role, genetics may also play a role. Researchers found genetic similarities in twins that developed certain attachment styles in future relationships, despite being in different environments. Recent studies suggest that both nature and nurture contribute to individual differences in adult attachment.

Impact of Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment on Romantic Relationships

Even though they despise intimacy, dismissive avoidants still enter romantic relationships. However, their behaviors often lead to the downfall of said relationship. They tend to take a step back every time their partner takes on towards them. Their partner is left feeling alone, ignored, and even abandoned.

If this is addressed, the dismissive-avoidant person might claim they are being controlled. They may look for things to criticize in their partner or they may simply be rude or mean as a defense mechanism. This is a way to self-sabotage and end the relationship.

Types of Relationships

In terms of the type of relationships, those with dismissive-avoidant attachment are more likely to be in short romantic partnerships, in which the connection, and not meaningful.
Short and casual relationships help the dismissive-avoidant person evade feelings of intimacy toward others. The brief, shallow relationships also help the other person to stay at arm’s length.

How Does It Affect Intimacy?

Dismissive avoidants can fall in love, but even when they do, they may be in denial. It’s quite difficult for someone with this attachment to show love, at least not in the typical ways. While they may not say it or show it physically, they can display love in more subtle, indirect ways like spending more time with the person. Oftentimes, they do not show any signs, despite their (deep-down) feelings.

How Does It Affect Emotional Connection?

As it’s name suggests, people with this type of attachment avoid and dismiss connection attempts. They are uncomfortable with even a little bit of intimacy, even the minimum level required to maintain a relationship. Their partner reaches out for more of them and each time, the avoidant takes a step back. It’s a sad dance, that is unsustainable. Either the partner gives up when they realize they cannot get what they need, or the avoidant runs away, avoiding the intimacy.

How Can a Person with Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Respond to Their Partner’s Needs?

While a person with dismissive avoidant attachment might shy away from displays of affection and intimate connection, it doesn’t mean they don’t love their partner. They were simply taught that showing emotion is a negative thing. They learned that vulnerability is bad for a relationship (despite this being incorrect).

Practice expressing your feelings

Start small. Try sharing your likes and dislikes. Then move on to “I” statements to communicate your needs.

Remind yourself that emotions are normal

Not only are feelings natural but they’re healthy. That’s true for both positive and negative feelings.

Reflect on your upbringing

This is not easy to do, especially if it was painful, but looking back on your childhood can help you unlock the reasons why you behave the way you do now. Remember that what happened to you as a young child was not your fault.

Work with a professional

Someone with an avoidant attachment most likely had a traumatic or stressful childhood. Unpacking this with a therapist can be the first step in healing and changing this attachment style.

If you have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, meeting with an experienced therapist can help move you in the direction of a more secure attachment. A professional can help you identify negative behaviors and patterns and work with you to identify your insecurities.

Your attachment style is not your identity. And your attachment style doesn’t have to be permanent.

See the good in others

Get to know others by being curious and asking questions. Focus on the positives. Work on assuming that people are operating with good intentions.

Benefits of Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

While this attachment style can seem full of negative consequences, there are some benefits as well. In the workplace, they are independent and productive workers They are less likely to be distracted and work well under pressure. Although dismissive-avoidants dislike intimacy, they can be good friends. They will give you honest advice. They will lead with logic and not expect you to bear your emotions. They can be fun to be around, excusing a contagious confidence. While they won’t have close friendships, they may attract a lot of friends.

As for romantic relationships, there’s no denying that this attachment style complicates things, but there are some attractive qualities.

How to Support A Dismissive Avoidant Partner

Loving someone with this attachment can be complicated. They seem to withdraw when you move towards them. This can be both confusing and frustrating. It’s a balance – finding out how to support them in a way where they feel safe and you don’t compromise your needs.

1. Understand your own attachment style. It’s helpful to be knowledgeable about both of your attachment styles. This will help you understand your compatibility.
2. Don’t take their independence personally. Try not to be offended by their need for space. It doesn’t mean they don’t like spending time with you.
3. Don’t force them to be intimate. Pushing them to open up more and show more affection will have the opposite effect. Instead of pressuring them, allow them space and they are likely to respond better.
4. Discuss needs. Have a conversation about boundaries – what each of you is comfortable with, and make a plan to gradually meet each other’s needs. This conversation may need a part one, part two, and etc since you don’t want to overwhelm them.
5. Accept that you cannot change them. While it is possible to change an attachment style, you cannot do that for them. They must be willing and wanting to put in that effort.
6. Don’t forget you. Make time for self-care. Don’t minimize your needs. Remember not to neglect your mental health.

How Does a Dismissive Avoidant Show Love?

Dismissive avoidants don’t fall in love as easily, but they still do. You won’t find them declaring their love from a rooftop, but they still show love. Because it’s hard for them to express emotions and affection, someone with an avoidant attachment style in relationships is more likely to show their love to partners in a nonverbal manner.

Someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment may choose quality time, acts of service, or physical touch as their preferred love language. This is most likely because these seem to require less verbal expression while still establishing affection and appreciation.

For love avoidants, spending quality time may be a significant sign of affection because they typically value their personal space. It shows that they prioritize your presence in their life, even if it’s not all the time. If they share their interests with you, including you in activities they usually do alone, it’s a strong indicator that they are emotionally invested in you.

Small gestures of affection like prolonged eye contact, a warm smile, a loving touch, and hand-holding are all signs they are willing to be more vulnerable with you. Acts of service are tangible things that your partner may do to make your life easier. Cooking a meal, cleaning, or helping you with a task are ways they communicate that they care.