Definition of Phubbing

You may be unfamiliar with the term phubbing, however, you’re likely familiar with what it is. Have you ever spent time with a person who doesn’t seem present with you because they’re so engrossed in their phone? Are you guilty of doing this?

Phubbing is the act of snubbing someone in front of you by favoring your phone. It’s choosing to prioritize your attention to your phone, and as a result, ignoring the person in front of you. One study found that more than 17 percent of people “phub” others at least four times a day. Almost 32 percent of people report being phubbed two to three times a day. Phubbing is so ingrained in our lives that we may not even notice when it’s happening.

Why is Phubbing Important in Relationships?

Phubbing conveys to the person present that what or who is on your phone is more important. Phubbing interrupts your ability to be present and engage with people around you. It takes away from your social interaction and leaves both people feeling less satisfied.

Studies have shown that when a smartphone is present during a conversation it makes people feel more negative about the interaction. Phubbing decreases meaningful connection, which, when happens repeatedly, can damage relationships.

One study found that phubbing decreases marital satisfaction. These couples had phone use as the main topic of their arguments. Another study found that spouses who phub each other experience higher rates of depression.

Signs of a Phubber

• They are never without their phone. If they are without it, they feel tense and anxious.
• They’re always multitasking with conversations. They usually go back and forth between their phone and the person in front of them.
• When spending quality time with loved ones, they end up on their phone.

Causes of Phubbing

While rude, phubbing is not usually done with bad intentions. In fact, there’s a good chance the phubber isn’t aware of what they’re doing. Therefore, they may be unaware of how offensive it can be to the other person.

Phone Addiction

Nearly half of Americans report being addicted to their phones. Not surprisingly, people addicted to their phones are more likely to exhibit phubbing behavior.

Social Media and Smartphones

Smartphones are designed to take our attention. They’re unbelievably convenient and easy to use. They offer instant gratification. When it comes to social media, our phone can give us a dose of dopamine According to an article by Harvard Graduate School,” Every notification, whether it’s a text message, a “like” on Instagram, or a Facebook notification, has the potential to be a positive social stimulus and dopamine influx”

Feeling Uncomfortable

Some people phub to avoid an uncomfortable conversation or feeling anxious or worried about something. Someone stressed about something may obsess over their phone as an escape.

Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)

FOMO refers to the fear of being left out or missing out on social experiences. FOMO can be identified as an intra-personal trait that drives people to stay up to date of what other people are doing, among others on social media platforms. Research has linked phubbing and FOMO, finding that people who phub more have a higher rate of FOMO.

Unbalanced Attention Span

People with attention issues may find the temptation of their phone to be too distracting to resist. This is especially true for those with ADHD.

Effects of Phubbing on Relationships

23% of adults say phubbing has caused conflict in their relationship, according to research from Baylor University. According to a smartphone relationship survey, 71% of people spend more time on their phones than with their romantic partner.

We all want to feel valued by others. In a relationship, this is a core need – to feel worthy and cared for by our partner. If a partner is regularly phubbed, they can feel unsupported. They may also start to question their partner’s priorities. It doesn’t feel good having to compete for someone’s attention. A 2022 study documented how partners of phubbing responded. Researchers found that on days where there’s more phubbing, their partner tends to:

• Feel more resentment
• Be more curious about what they are doing on their phone (such as negative suspicions)
• Retaliate and use their phone more too

Reduced Intimacy Between Partners

Intimacy is about deep connection, whether it’s physical, emotional or otherwise.

Communication Issues

In order to build connection, both people need to be fully present. Smartphones are a major distraction. The phubbing partner may be listening while simultaneously glancing at their phone, but they cannot be fully listening. Phubbing can come back to bite you later on when it shows that you didn’t truly listen to what your partner was saying.

Regardless of how many words you’re taking in while swiping at your phone, it’s impossible to simultaneously maintain eye contact. Eye contact is an important way to give your attention and support to your partner while they talk.

Issues with Physical Intimacy

The smartphone relationship survey reported that 1 in 8 people have interrupted intimacy with their partner to check their phone. Sexual interactions may be negatively impacted even when a phone is not present if the person is thinking about their phone during physical intimacy.

How to Stop Phubbing

If you’re tired of your partner phubbing you, here are a few things you can try to stop it:

• Call Them Out – If their phone use has been affecting you, let them know. Tell them how it makes you feel. For example, “When you use your phone when we’re spending time together it feels like I’m not important to you.”
• Create Phone Boundaries Together – Of course, it’s unrealistic to expect your partner to never be on their phone when you’re together. However, you can set guidelines on phone use so that you both feel respected. For example, you may set a rule that bans phones during meal times. You might decide your house is phone-free after 6 pm. Or maybe you and your partner agree to keep phones out of the bedroom.
• Be Verbally Direct – Bring your partner back to earth by getting their attention. Simply ask, “Are you listening?” Tell them, “It seems like you’re elsewhere.” Let them know that you’re not willing to compete with their phone. If you’re talking while they phub, pause and tell them, “I’ll wait for you to be done”.
• Be Humorous – Although you may be upset, coming at them with anger or criticism isn’t likely to help. Instead, try making light of the situation. You could say something like, “Say hi for me.”, “What kind of emergency are you dealing with on there?”, or “Is that (insert famous person) you’re talking to?”
• Help Them Relax – Does it seem like they’re stuck on their phone because of anxiety? You can try to make them feel more comfortable with a light touch. When they do look up, offer them a warm smile. Tell them you want to sit down and talk, without phones.
• Help Them Refocus – Your partner may have trouble with focus or impulse control. Perhaps they suffer from phone addiction, which is not uncommon. Help them be in the moment by asking them questions about their day or inviting them to go for a walk.