Choosing whether not to date while separated can be complex. On one hand, you might feel excitement around the idea of putting yourself out there and getting to know new people. On the other hand, you might be experiencing grief, wondering if you and your former partner will reconcile, or wanting to grow as an individual. Taking the time to evaluate where you are in the emotional process of separation helps you to make decisions about dating from a healthy, grounded place.

Is It Okay to Date While Separated?

The legal rules and regulations around separation vary from state to state. If you are concerned about the nuances of separation agreements or separations that are moving toward divorce, it is best to consult a lawyer who is knowledgeable in this area. They will be able to outline your rights and answer questions you may have regarding the specifics of your situation.

From a psychological standpoint, there is no black and white “okay” or “not okay” to dating while separated. An important factor to consider is your core motivation for wanting to enter the dating pool. A separation is a loss, and losses come with a period of grieving. It can be tempting to date as a way to incite positive emotions rather than sitting with the uncomfortable emotions that accompany grief. However, avoiding uncomfortable emotions does a disservice to both yourself and your potential partners in the long run.

If you have worked through many of the challenges of your separation, then you may be ready to date again. This can happen when your separation is less recent, there is certainty around the direction you and your former partner are headed, and you have acknowledged your emotions. Examining the patterns that led to your separation and seeing how future relationships could be different is also helpful. Having space to form authentic, attuned connections with others is a sign that you are able to approach dating in a beneficial way.

Questions To Ask Before Dating While Separated

There are a number of questions to ask yourself when considering dating while separated. Several of these include:

Schedule Check-Ins with Your Partner

Have I Spent Time with Myself?

Getting to know yourself again is crucial following a separation. During a partnership, you develop habits, routines, and shared interests with another person. Becoming less in touch with how you function as an individual is common. Redeveloping a strong sense of self allows you to understand that you are whole and worthy regardless of your relationship status.
One way to get to know yourself after your separation is by actively engaging in self-discovery. This can look like noticing your emotions and responses to situations. It can also look like investing in self-care and exploring new hobbies in an effort to figure out what you enjoy.

Do I Know My Relational Patterns?

You and your former partner separated for a reason. Perhaps you grew in ways that made you incompatible or there were repeated communication challenges. Regardless, the underlying patterns in your relationship likely contributed to the issues you could not overcome. Missing one another’s attempts to connect may have left one or both of you feeling unheard and unseen.

Identifying your part in the relational patterns you have engaged with gives you the agency to act differently in the future. Reading about attachment theory can be a place to start. Uncovering what you need in order to become more securely attached increases your ability to build safe, sustainable connections.

Are My Former Partner and I in Agreement About Our Separation?

There are multiple outcomes that can occur during the course of a separation with a former partner. You might decide to separate permanently or obtain a legal divorce. You might decide to separate temporarily in order to see if there is opportunity for reconciliation. Getting on the same page about what you are each hoping for is an important precursor to dating while separated.

Having open conversations about the separation with your former partner also ensures fairness toward those you date. Your presence with others increases when you know where you stand. Addressing questions, concerns, and reservations with potential partners becomes easier the more clarity you have.

Are There Other Considerations?

Having a longer term relationship with your former partner may mean that children, pets, or shared assets are involved. These areas can complicate both separation and dating while separated. Discussing the separation with children and reaching an agreement about shared pets or assets is often necessary prior to inviting new romance into your life.

Children in particular require time and attention during a separation process. They have little understanding of the adult relational world, and are likely to fear abandonment or blame themselves for the situation. Making sure you have the capacity to show up and assuage their worries is vital for their emotional health. Fostering stability comes before beginning to date again.

How Do I Feel About Moving On?

Creating a healthy foundation for potential relationships means letting go of partnerships that have ended. Releasing the possibility that you and your former partner will get back together is part of dating while separated. It’s natural for this to take time – difficult feelings are a human part of breaking a bond you once shared with another person.

Dating to fill the gap that separation from your former partner has left is likely to leave you frustrated and unfulfilled. Letting yourself heal, even if it means experiencing loneliness at times, will lead you to more meaningful relationships in the future. When you are at peace with yourself and with the separation, you are ready to consider dating again.

Seeking Help During Separation

You don’t have to face separation from a former partner alone. Attending sessions with a licensed therapist can give you additional insight and be a holding space for your emotions. Individual therapy centered around relationships can also help you unpack your patterns and overcome past hurt, anger, or betrayal. Doing this work paves the way for a dating life where you feel appreciated, desired, and able to engage with intimacy.

Couples therapy during the process of separation is another useful tool. Having a neutral third party present to act as a mediator can open up communication between you and your former partner. Sessions may serve as a space to touch on current issues, such as dating while separated. Being as clear as possible with one another about needs and boundaries around dating shows courtesy, respect, and consideration toward the romantic connection you once shared.

If you are seeking more information on individual and couples therapy, looking over these frequently asked questions can offer additional guidance. If you are ready to get help now, contact The Couples Center here to start the intake process.