Definition of Emotional Intimacy

Connection is everything. As human beings, we are hard-wired for connection. As young children, it’s the quality of our first connections that determines so much. Our need for quality connection doesn’t go away when we’re adults. Now it’s the connection with our significant other that greatly impacts us.

Emotional intimacy is a closeness between partners where both people feel safe, secure, and free to their true selves. It’s a healthy intertwining of two lives.

Here’s what emotional intimacy can feel like:

• Feeling safe in your relationship
• An abundance of physical affection and warmth
• Feeling that you know each other on a deep, meaningful level 
• A sense of fun, playfulness, and shared humor
• A willingness to communicate and share your inner worlds
  

On the opposite end, when emotional intimacy is lacking, there’s a palpable disconnect between partners.

The following are signs that there’s a lack of emotional intimacy in your relationship:

• Feeling unsafe or that the other person doesn’t have your back
• Feeling on edge and apprehensive when the other person is around
• Feeling unfulfilled by the relationship
• Feeling unheard, unacknowledged, or misunderstood
• Feeling like communication between the two of you is ineffective

So what does emotional intimacy look like?

• Having meaningful conversations: Have vulnerable talks with emotion and honesty.
• Show curiosity and interest in the other person: Ask them questions (about their opinion, their feelings, their experience, and their day.
• Empathizing with your partner: Validate their feelings, and give them emotional support through active listening.

Benefits of Emotional Intimacy

• Trust – We put our faith in our partners, believing that we can rely on them even though it is out of our control. When trust is proven, we can rest easy and it opens us up to an even stronger bond.
• Respect – Truly knowing your partner means caring about their feelings and opinions. It means you value and appreciate them.
• Strong sexual connection – strong emotional intimacy naturally leads to better sex.
• Good conversations – From the super meaningful to the silly, You’ll be able to talk about anything under the sun with your partner.
• Healthy conflict – Conflict is to be expected in any relationship, even the strongest ones. But if emotional intimacy is present, you’ll be able to “fight fair”, resolve arguments and come back together.
• Better mood – feeling safe, secure, and understood increases overall happiness. When emotionally bonded with your partner, your body releases oxytocin, the feel-good hormone.

Creating an Environment for Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy is something that develops with time and must be nurtured. You can help grow emotional intimacy with the following tips:

• Show affection

Physical intimacy is closely tied to emotional intimacy. Sex is great and can help build emotional intimacy. But don’t forget about the smaller physical displays that can go a long way – gentle touching, massaging, caressing, cuddling, holding hands, or stealing a kiss throughout the day.

• Listen with your body

Your partner, like everyone wants to feel heard. You can give them this gift by really listening to them. When they talk, turn towards them, lean in, make eye contact, and hold their hand. This shows them that you are tuned in and care about their words.

• Talk, talk, talk

The power of communication cannot be stressed enough. Emotional intimacy thrives when you and your partner are able to talk about the good, the bad, and the uncomfortable. Hard conversations will make you closer in the end. Avoid leaving things unsaid. Address your feelings early on so that things don’t build up and become worse.

• Show appreciation

Show gratitude to your partner. Small, unexpected acts of love show them you care.. Leave them a note, and send a thoughtful message. Get them a gift, give them a massage. Do something that lightens their load.
Don’t forget to recognize what you love about them. Do little things, and do them often.

• Remove distractions

There’s a lot that can hinder emotional intimacy, especially in today’s world. Be conscious of the things that impede your connection with your partner, like technology. Whether they’ve said so or not, your partner can tell when you’re not fully present.

• Don’t forget you

It’s important to find balance when in a relationship. This means drawing a healthy line between your partner and you. Recognize the need to be forever growing and lean into that. That can mean different things for everyone. Maybe it’s joining a social club, taking a class, going to therapy, or learning a new skill. Invest in yourself, you’re relationship will also benefit.

• Be playful and flirty

Even if you’ve been together for many years, you can still be the person they fell in love with way back when. Remember to flirt and have fun with your partner. Date your spouse, woo your partner.

The Difference Between Anger and Emotional Disconnection

Sometimes it appears that a partner is angry for reasons unknown. They may act out and seem to place blame on you for things. Conflicts may escalate quickly. Their using anger as an excuse to build a wall between you and detach from you instead of addressing the real issue. The underlying issue may be emotional disconnection. Emotional disconnection is characterized by a lack of feeling or connection. It feels very lonely.

Signs of emotional disconnection:

• Lack of physical intimacy

Affection from them may be rare. They may pull away from touch or decline sex, which only widens the distance between you.

• Lack of communication

Someone emotionally disconnected is not likely to share their feelings. They may shut down when addressed directly. They will avoid being vulnerable at all costs, leading to surface-level talks and a relationship lacking emotional depth.

• Unresolved conflicts

They may be apathetic during conflict or give you the silent treatment, which means arguments remain unresolved.

• Decreased empathy or understanding

They may seem disinterested in what you have to say and unmoved by your emotions.

Steps to Building Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy will not show up overnight. It’s a process that takes time. However, you can start building emotional intimacy right away with the 5 achievable steps.

Step 1: Establishing Trust and Vulnerability

Trust and vulnerability are tied together. Trust is a vulnerable process. It requires us to let down our guard and have the other person steer the ship, knowing full well there’s a chance you could be harmed. Also, vulnerability naturally builds trust.

Don’t be afraid to show your emotions, express your fears, and be upfront about your needs. This is easier said than done. Go slow. Listen to yourself. Meet with a therapist who can help you better understand yourself.

Step 2: Developing a Safe Space for Communication

Go beyond just listening. Practice active listening: validate your partner’s feelings and emotions. For example, “I can see why you would feel that way”. Avoid responding to your partner defensively. Speak in a gentle, calm manner. Ask questions to ensure that you understand what their trying to convey Being engaged and empathetic tells them that it’s safe to open up.. This demonstrates that you’re genuinely interested in how they feel. This is different from agreeing with them.

Set aside time to talk, especially if it’s an uncomfortable conversation. Ask your partner when a good time would be so that they are prepared. Remove distractions and get comfortable.

Step 3: Recognizing Your Partner’s Needs and Meeting Them

Has your partner clearly communicated their needs? Do you fully understand them? For many couples, the answer is no. Instead, assumptions are made, and someone (or both people) is left with unmet emotional and/or physical needs.

The 5 love languages can give you an idea of how you can start meeting your partner’s needs. But you can better understand how your partner wants to receive love by knowing the ‘four core relationship desires’. The four relationship desires exist on a spectrum between two different desires, connection vs. autonomy and security vs. adventure. Each person is somewhere on the axis. In addition to directly sharing your needs, you and your partner can take the core relationship desire quiz.

Step 4: Expressing Feelings in an Open and Honest Manner

When one person feels comfortable to let down their guard, it helps to pave the way for the other. Allow your partner to fully express themselves first. Ask open-ended questions to help them communicate. Read their body language. Sometimes the physical cues speak louder.

When it comes to expressing your feelings in an open and honest manner, remember that being direct is better than being passive-aggressive. Be mindful of your use of the word “you” and try to use more “I” statements to describe how you feel.

Step 5: Nurturing the Personal Connection with Your Partner

The best way to nurture your connection with your partner is to simply do more things together. That includes the mundane things, like cooking and chores in addition to regular date nights or weekend trips. It also means putting in the work, understanding that relationships require constant maintenance. And acknowledging that there is also room for improvement – both in your relationship and in yourself. Consider couples counseling as a way to bring you closer together, equipping you with the tools you need and building upon necessary skills like communication.