Whether you’re newly dating or have been married for years, being in a relationship with an autistic person can shake up your idea of what a romantic relationship is, and should be. Love may hold a different meaning for you now.

Definition of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

More than 75 million people, or about 1% of the world’s population, have Autism Spectrum Disorder, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Autism Spectrum Disorder, or ASD, is a complex developmental condition involving persistent challenges with social communication, restricted interests, and repetitive behavior. It’s categorized as a developmental disability because it presents during the developmental period, usually at about 2 years old. Though diagnosis can occur at any age, it’s easier to pinpoint early because a child’s progress can be measured following developmental milestones. Although autism is considered a lifelong disorder, the degree of impairment in functioning can vary greatly between individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorder.

To make a diagnosis of ASD, psychologists draw on several sources of information such as:

• Interviews.
• Observations of the individual’s behavior.
• Tests of cognitive and language abilities.
• Medical tests (to rule out other conditions).
• Interviews with parents, teachers, or other people who can answer questions about the individual’s social, emotional, and behavioral development.

Characteristics of Autism Spectrum Disorder

Common signs of autism in adults include:

• Finding it hard to understand what others are thinking or feeling
• Getting very anxious about social situations
• Finding it hard to make friends or preferring to be on your own
• Seeming blunt, rude, or not interested in others without meaning to
• Finding it hard to say how you feel
• Taking things very literally – for example, you may not understand sarcasm or phrases like “break a leg”
• Having the same routine every day and getting very anxious if it changes

Other signs of autism in adults include:

• Not understanding social “rules”, such as not talking over people
• Avoiding eye contact
• Getting too close to other people, or getting very upset if someone touches or gets too close to you
• Noticing small details, patterns smells, or sounds that others do not
• Having a very strong interest in certain subjects or activities
• Wanting to plan things carefully before doing them

According to the National Health Service, it can be more difficult to identify autism in women.

Women are more likely to do the following:

• Hide their signs of autism to ‘fit in’ – by copying people who don’t have autism
• Be quieter and hide their feelings
• Appear to cope better with social situations
• Show fewer signs of repetitive behaviors

Allistic Partner and Autistic Partner Relationships

A person without autism is referred to as allistic. Neurotypical is a common term used, but it is not the most accurate because while some people are both neurotypical and allistic, not everyone who is allistic is neurotypical. For example, a person without autism may have ADHD, dyslexia, or another type of neurodivergence.

Autistic people more often than not date allistic people, according to a 2016 study. Only 20% of participants in the study reported being in a relationship with another autistic person.

The allistic person will certainly find that a relationship with an autistic person is different than past relationships. That difference, and the others will require some adjusting to. However, the belief that autistic people cannot hold a successful romantic relationship is just plain wrong. In fact, there are quite a few benefits to having an autistic partner.

Benefits of Being With an Autistic Partner

• Honesty – Autistic people are often known for being very honest. At times this level of honesty might feel a bit “brutal,” but it has its perks. You can feel more confident knowing your partner is being real with you. For example, when they compliment you you know they truly mean it. This can be a rare treat from inauthentic interactions that are sugarcoated, or superficial.
• Reliability – Autistic people usually prefer routine and structure. So a relationship with them may feel safe and stable. You are less likely to have to worry about them acting out or making rash decisions. There may be fewer surprises, and you can depend on the consistency they will add to your life.
• Loyalty – People who are looking for a long-term relationship may have a lot in common with an autistic person. A 2010 study found that autistic people tend to be much more interested in long-term relationships compared with short-term flings. With the ever-rising popularity of dating apps and “hookup culture”, autistic people may offer a comforting change of pace for a serious relationship.

Communication Styles

We know how invaluable communication is for maintaining a healthy relationship. But communication is often the thing that those with ASD have trouble with most. Typically, people with ASD are black-and-white thinkers. The problem is that relationships are not black or white.

The key is to find a common language. You’ll need to find what works. One tip is to make sure both people have everything answered before ending a conversation. Do not assume understanding. And that goes for both sides.

Direct Communication

People with autism may have trouble reading communication that is anything but direct. It’s important to make things clear for an autistic person. If an autistic person is coming across as being selfish or talking too much, for example, it’s helpful for you to tell them that. Being silent or looking upset without mentioning it would be incredibly confusing to an autistic person.

Nonverbal Communication

Using body language and nonverbal cues is not helpful when communicating with an autistic person. You should also avoid using sarcasm and abstract language. Be mindful that things you say may be taken literally so you’ll need to think carefully before making a comment or giving instruction.

Sensory Overload and Sensory Sensitivities

Many individuals with ASD experience sensory sensitivity. This means they may have heightened responses to certain sensory stimuli including sensitivity to sounds, lights, textures, tastes, and smells. What may be normal experiences for many, may be vastly overwhelming for someone with ASD, leading to sensory overload.

Know what your partner’s triggers are. Take steps to minimize stimuli such as bright lights or loud noise. Open communication is key. By showing empathy and respect for their sensory needs, you can help foster a better partnership.

Characteristics of Autism that Can Affect Relationships

When an autistic person and a nonautistic person pair up, it’s an example of opposites attracting. The nonautistic partner may be attracted to the ASD partner’s stability, focus, and intelligence. On the other hand, the ASD partner may appreciate their nonautistic partner’s willingness to help them navigate social situations.

However, in time, the differences can turn into dysfunctional patterns. It can, at times, appear as if they speak different languages. There is a disparity in how the couple thinks and experiences emotions, and this can be frustrating.

Anxiety

Studies show that up to 50% of autistic adults have an anxiety disorder – twice that of neurotypical adults – making it one of the most common co-occurring conditions of autism spectrum disorder. Their anxiety may be especially heightened during social situations like family gatherings, work events, and parties. Situations like these may cause the partner to feel overwhelmed and thus seek alone time. This can be viewed as odd by outside people and can cause some tension between partners.

Miscommunications

Miscommunications go both ways. The autistic partner may struggle to convey their thoughts and feelings in a way their partner can understand. At the same time, they may have problems understanding the intentions and messages of their partner due to a lack of clarity. It’s a double-edged sword and a vicious cycle of miscommunication that can fuel anxiety.

Loneliness

People with autism have a strong need for alone time. Their need for socialization is much lower than that of an allistic person. After a night out with another couple, they will want to be alone to “recover”. Their need for solitude is important to respect, as it keeps away depression and burnout. While granting them this time is important, it can also leave you feeling lonely, especially if they choose to spend a lot of time on their own.

Sex and Intimacy

Being autistic doesn’t mean a person is uninterested in sex. A person with ASD has the same range of sexual behaviors and experiences as an allistic person. However, autism does affect how you communicate your sexual wants and desires. For example, one partner may not realize the other is feeling unfulfilled, if they don’t have clear communication about it.

Another complication can be the sensory sensitivity of sex. For some autistic people, the sounds and physical sensations of sex may cause a person to feel uncomfortable. Sex can be overwhelming for someone with autism. Direct communication such as asking yes or no questions, and using a safe word can help.

Autism and The Double Empathy Problem

According to the theory known as the “double empathy problem”, it’s not that autistic people lack empathy, it’s that they process it differently. This makes it hard for the allistic person to understand. In addition, it makes it hard for the autistic person to understand how the allistic person processes empathy.

Empathy is defined as the ability to understand or be aware of the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of others. The differences in a couple can lead to a breakdown in communication that can be distressing for both autistic and non-autistic people.

Autism and The Cassandra Syndrome

Adapted from Greek mythology, The Cassandra Syndrome is a way to describe the relatively common experiences of the allistic partner in a relationship where their partner may have autism and/or ADHD. Autism and/or ADHD impact how that person engages in emotional reciprocity, social connection, communication, and perspective-taking skills. This unintentionally results in the allistic partner feeling emotionally deprived, misunderstood and invalidated. What can make matters worse is the poor understanding of this issue with friends, family, and others. They may have difficulty feeling understood and mindfully present due to the internal stressors they carry around from being in their relationship.

Strategies for Navigating Long-Term Relationships with an Autistic Partner

• Give your Partner a Heads-up – Send a message that says I want to talk about “x” so that they have the space and time to think about the topics that you want to talk through. Allow your partner to prep before a negative, emotional, or confrontational topic.
• Ease them into Social Situations – Those with ASD can get easily overwhelmed if jumping into a quick transition where they have to speak or be exposed to other’s emotions. If feeling overwhelmed, they can shut down.
• Don’t Take it Personally – They can shut down. They may display an underwhelming response that frustrates you. They may choose to be alone sometimes. This behavior, while a result of autism, can be upsetting to the partner. Try not to blame or criticize.
• Acknowledge their Unique Needs – Pay attention to their cues to try to understand what can help or hurt. Your partner may have needs that you simply cannot anticipate. Ask them. Again, be direct.
• Don’t Forget your Needs – Equally important is telling your partner what your needs are. Remember that no one’s needs are more important. In addition to direct verbal communication, try writing it down for them.
• Manage Your Expectations – Avoid putting certain expectations on your partner as these can be highly stressful for them. Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is a subset of autism. For those that have it, many everyday demands are avoided simply because they are demands. Some people explain that it’s the expectation (like from someone else) that leads to a feeling of lack of control. That causes anxiety and panic to set in.

Being Open to Different Forms of Expression from the Autistic Partner

Brain scans of autistic people reveal that, when they express feeling love and affection for someone, different areas of the brain are activated than for people without autism. The empathy circuitry of the brain is also working differently. While your autistic partner can feel love and empathy, they may struggle to express both in ways that result in you feeling loved or empathized with. They may show love, for example, through a practical act, like cleaning or fixing something for you instead of using words or showing physical affection.

It’s important to remember that everyone, including those with ASD, has their own unique ways of expressing love and affection. Have open and honest conversations about their (and your) preferred love languages, communication styles, and relationship needs.

Making Use of Resources for Guidance on Mental Health and Romantic Relationships

Couples counseling is always a good idea if you want to improve your relationship. Seeking professional guidance and support is especially helpful to help you and your partner understand each other. Having each partner meet individually with a therapist would be additionally valuable. Therapists or counselors who specialize in working with individuals with ASD can provide valuable insights and strategies to enhance your relationship.