How Porn Affects Relationships

Porn is highly accessible and attainable. Viewing it is usually free. But when it comes to maintaining a healthy and successful relationship there can be a steep cost.

In today’s world, viewing sexually explicit content, aka pornography is quite common. In the year 2020, porn sites received more traffic than Twitter, Instagram, Netflix, Zoom, Pinterest, and LinkedIn combined. Research shows that 46% of adult men and 16% of women intentionally view pornography in an average week. 25% percent of all search engine requests are for porn.

Like all things that make you feel good, it can become a problem. Close to 10% percent of people responding to a survey said they were addicted to pornography. With an addiction, people are unable to stop looking at porn, and it gets in the way of day-to-day things. Most people would agree that’s an issue. But what about more casual viewing, like looking at porn 1 or two times a week? Is this problematic? Specifically, does it negatively impact relationships?

Effects of Pornography on Relationships

Positive Effects

It’s not all bad. Porn can have positive impacts on a relationship. This largely depends on whether porn is viewed together and if both parties are engaged.

• Connection

Watching porn together can improve connection and open the door to more exploration. It can help each person feel more comfortable sharing their sexual desires. It could open your mind to new possibilities and help you communicate your likes and dislikes with your partner.

• Excitement

As a couple, viewing porn can be a way to shake things up and add some excitement to your sexual relationship. This can be especially helpful for couples who need to reignite the flame in the bedroom. You may even learn something new.

• Foreplay

If both people are into it, pornography can be a form of foreplay. Watching porn can get you both in the mood.

Other reasons for watching porn as a couple:

– Sexual interest in other people is natural. As human beings, we are going to be attracted to people other than our partners.

– It may reduce infidelity. Some people believe it can lessen the “need” to act out sexual desires outside of the relationship.

However, research only suggests porn can benefit couples when watched together, which typically isn’t the way people watch porn.

Negative Impacts

Within couple intimate relationships, pornography can have negative impacts in the following ways:

• Skewed Perception

“Frequent use of pornography shifts the focus of sexual activity towards attaining sexual gratification rather than experiencing elevated emotions such as love, intimacy, and trust”, according to Canopy, an internet filter company. In other words, it becomes less about making love to your partner. For most couples, sex builds their emotional bonds and increases intimacy. However, in most pornographic content, sex is depicted with aggression, violence, or some type of novelty.

• Feeling Dissatisfied

Regular porn viewers are training their brains to take what they see as real and attainable. So they think they can have what they see. When it’s not replicated, they’re disappointed. Porn creates unrealistic sexual expectations that real sex between partners cannot deliver.

• Loneliness

Porn does not promote connection or healthy attachment. In fact, porn is better seen as the antithesis of connection. It’s a one-dimensional act with the goal of achieving orgasm. While they can be achieved together, in this case, orgasm is separate from pleasure and intimacy. Sex outside of porn bonds couples. But porn sex removes the vulnerability that is necessary for strengthening connection. It can lead to emotional abandonment, causing serious damage to the relationship. It can also cause partners to look outside of their relationship to have their emotional needs met.

• Concealment From Partner

Roughly 25% of men and 10% of women report that they are actively hiding pornography use from their partners, according to a study. Many people opt to be secretive about their porn use even from their partner. This may be due to a fear of judgment, differing views on porn, or not wanting to expose their overuse. Whatever the reason, keeping secrets from your partner creates more distance between you. What starts as little secrets can grow into bigger ones with time. Porn can slowly deteriorate trust and safety.

• Difficulty Becoming Aroused

Frequent use of porn can interrupt one’s ability to get aroused otherwise. In other words, the user has a hard time getting aroused without porn. Those who consume porn more often can experience erectile dysfunction, even in younger men. 45% of young men with a porn addiction have erectile dysfunction, a significant portion. Like with other addictions, more use over time requires more to feel satisfied or aroused. To achieve that

• Decreased Interest In Sex With Partner

For some viewers, porn can curb their sexual appetite. Compared to what they see in the videos, real sex can seem boring and monotonous, especially if they compare their partner to the actors they see on screen.

• Promotes Aggression

The fact of the matter is that the majority of porn contains some type of aggression or violence. In fact, 88% of porn scenes contain physical aggression. We know that regular exposure to something causes desensitization so when a partner regularly views this, there is a greater likelihood that aggression or violence will be replicated with their partner.

• Feeling Sexually Inadequate

Inadequacy can occur on both sides. The user may compare their performance and physical appearance to what they’re viewing, while their partner is conscious of how they compare and worry that they don’t measure up. “The more pornography a man watches, the more likely he is to use it during sex, request particular pornographic sex acts of his partner, deliberately conjure images of pornography during sex to maintain arousal, and have concerns over his own sexual performance and body image” (Sun et al., 2016).

• Possible Increase In Infidelity

Overall, porn weakens the relationship by weakening intimacy. More specifically, significant porn use could lead to infidelity. Porn use stimulates the reward system in the brain. After repeated exposure, the same response system requires an increase or a different form of pornography. So the type of porn you view may turn from viewing soft porn to hardcore porn. The need for more continues to escalate as the drive for the next ‘high’ or ‘fix’ becomes harder to obtain. Eventually, it can cause the fantasy world, porn, and the real world to collide in the form of cheating.

If You’re Against Your Partner’s Porn Use

Some people are simply against porn, and their partner watching it is a turn-off for them. So if you hate the idea of your significant other consuming pornography, where does that leave you? Is it fair for you to forbid it? Should it be a dealbreaker?

Viewing pornography is not usually considered a form of cheating. However, it may be in some relationships. A partner’s consumption of porn may elicit feelings of betrayal, hurt, or distrust, especially if you discovered their habit or they’re being secretive about it. Your feelings are very real. And although they are not your fault, harboring them can be harmful to the relationship. It’s okay to not be okay with your partner viewing porn. But being passive-aggressive or resentful about it will not help. The best thing to do is to discuss it directly. The topic may be uncomfortable, but it’s important to push through for your relationship’s sake.

• Ask Yourself Why You’re Against Porn

Analyze the real reasons why you don’t want your partner to watch it.

Tell your partner how it makes you feel. Chances are, they don’t see their use as a big deal. They may be aware or even tell you that “everyone does it”. And the statistics will confirm that viewing porn is “normal”. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that you don’t like it. Tell your partner why that is. Describe the emotions that are connected.

Understand that you cannot control them. You can ask your partner not to watch porn, but they can say “no”. This could be an opportunity to compromise. You could agree on the amount or type of porn so that you both feel comfortable.

Healing As A Couple

Overuse can cause you to devalue the real-life relationship with your partner. A Wheatley Institute study found that couples where both partners do not consume pornography have the highest levels of relationship stability, commitment, and relationship satisfaction.

It’s hard for many couples to talk about sex in general, so discussing porn can be even more sensitive. But being able to talk about sex only leads to positive things for your relationship – trust, desire, connection, etc.

How to overcome problematic porn use:

1. Come Clean

First, be honest with yourself about your porn use and how it’s affecting your life. Then be open with your partner about your use. Both parties should be able to express how the porn use has impacted them in different ways. Do not interrupt, judge, or criticize when the other person shares.

2. Find Your Motivation For Change

Uncovering your reason to do the work towards change is crucial. If you care about your relationship with your partner, then that should propel you. But don’t stop there. Think about the relationship you have with yourself and the person you want to be. Reflect on your values, beliefs, and goals. How has your porn usage been getting in the way of these things?

3. What Would It Mean to Give It Up?

Think about why you started the habit in the first place. What do you get from it (besides the obvious)? Is it an escape for you? Picture your life without porn. What are some healthy substitutes? What are some areas in your life you could dip into more?

For the user’s partner:

While healthy encouragement from you can be helpful, they must be internally motivated to make a change. They are the one with the power to transform and reduce their porn use. Avoid shaming them for their use of porn.

Seeking Help

As widespread as pornography use is, it’s still a fairly taboo topic. So having constructive conversations about a partner’s porn use can be difficult. This is especially true if their habit has evolved into an addiction. Finding a couples counselor can be extremely beneficial to both parties by creating a blueprint to follow. Having a professional present can make conversations less awkward and more comfortable and insightful. In addition, individual therapy can help the user reduce their porn use by digging into the underlying reason behind it.