Communication plays a pivotal role in relationships. In fact, communication has been found to be the bedrock or “heart” of supporting and promoting relationship satisfaction. This makes sense, as communication fosters trust and connection. Communication may seem simple, but there is a big difference between communication and effective, meaningful communication. Good communication is more than just talking and listening.

Poor communication in a relationship harms not only the relationship, but the individual too. Bad communication is more than just a lack of communication.

Poor communication can have the following effects on a relationship:

• Resentment for one another
• Seeing more negatives than positives in the relationship
• Lack of growth in the relationship
• Disconnection from one another
• Not feeling secure and safe in the relationship
• Lingering or building problems and difficulties
• Relationship anxiety
• Hopelessness in the relationship

The effects poor communication has on individuals include:

• Low self-esteem
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Increase in loneliness
• Increase in stress levels

Alternatively, healthy communication can do the following:

• Develop and strengthen respect
• Avoid misunderstandings and assumptions
• Help to minimize or diffuse conflict
• Build trust
• Allow authenticity
• Improve one’s overall wellbeing

Signs of Bad Communication in a Relationship

While good communication brings people closer together, bad communication does the opposite. Over time, the distance can become painfully great.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is a form of avoidance in which someone shuts down and refuses to interact with the other person. It is characterized by silence, lack of eye contact, and disinterested gestures such as eye-rolling or shrugs. The person may pretend to be busy or become preoccupied with their phone.

Someone stonewalling may come up with endless excuses to avoid the conversation. The person may simply walk away from the person trying to engage them. Essentially the person stonewalling builds a wall that separates them from the other person.

Passive Aggression

Simply put, passive aggression is indirect negativity and/or hostility. It’s an alternative to sharing your negative feelings in an open and honest manner.

With passive aggression, the person is communicating dissatisfaction in an unproductive, possibly harmful way usually through sarcasm, insults, or the silent treatment.

A passive-aggressive partner has a major impact on the tone of your interactions. When a partner is being passive-aggressive you may notice that conversations put you on edge, even if you can’t quite figure out why. It is also common to notice frustration around your attempts at clear and direct communication.

Contentious Body Language

We say a lot with our bodies. We may not even notice what our body is communicating. Combative body language: frowning, crossing arms, pacing, pursing lips, and avoiding eye contact are not conducive to having an honest and productive conversation. Negative or testy body language is not likely to help your partner feel safe in opening up to you. Nor does it show understanding and respect.

Criticism and Blame

Rather than expressing their feelings, a person may use criticism or fixate on blaming the other person. This usually escalates the situation and causes the other person to become defensive.

Lack of Active Listening

Partners may not fully listen to each other, interrupting or planning their responses instead of engaging with what the other is saying. This makes the person feel unheard and misunderstood, leading to loneliness.

Resentment

All resentment is connected to problems with communication – not confronting and talking about the root cause. However, resentment can simply be the product of bad communication, and nothing more.

Resentment is often bred when a partner expects the other to anticipate their needs. Because their partner is not a mind reader, they fail to do so, causing the other person to become deeply disappointed and frustrated.

More Signs of Bad Communication

In addition to what’s listed above, the following behaviors negatively impact communication:

• Not listening, showing disinterest, or giving in to distractions
• Attacking the other person (aggressively blaming)
• The “listener” is judgmental and filters messages through their own point of view
• Having a hidden agenda – persuading, controlling, etc.
• Being overly emotional – no longer in control of their thoughts, actions and words

How to Communicate Better

If you’re experiencing communication challenges in your relationship you may feel frustrated, alone, or helpless. Bad communication can make you think the relationship is hopeless. Fortunately, communication is a skill that can always be improved.

The following are general tips to help you communicate better:

Use Positive Language

“It’s less about what you say and more about how you say it”. Positive language is informative, proactive, and helpful. Reword phrases that have negative words like “can’t”, “won’t”, “don’t”, “stop”, or “shouldn’t”.

Be Mindful of Body Language

Your body can say just as much as words can, if not more. Be mindful of what your body is conveying.

Use positive body language:

1. What is your posture like? Try to be open and relaxed. (Avoid crossing your arms.)
2. What is your facial expression?
3. Maintain eye contact.
4. Nod and smile while they talk.

Remember That You’re on the Same Team

Sometimes we forget that our partner is on our team, especially when in conflict with them. In heated arguments, it can seem more like you’re on opposing sides. But when this happens, you both lose. Instead, try to adopt the “same team mentality”. Resolving the conflict requires finding a solution that makes you both feel heard, valued, and respected. Recognize that your relationship is bigger than any problem.

Be Intentional

Intentional communication means being aware of your words and the effects they have on others. Avoid simply reacting to something your partner said or did. Instead, pause, and take time to think about what you want to say, and how you want to say it. Also, try to anticipate how it will make your partner feel.

Notice your tone of voice. Think about whether something else is on your mind and affecting your communication with your partner. Is something that happened to you previously coming along into the interaction with your partner, and affecting your emotions? Let them know that you’re distracted.

Avoid Extremes

Sometimes without meaning to, we jump to extremes when emotions are involved. We might exaggerate or become more dramatic in order to drive home the point and make it known that we feel a certain way. This can cause you to speak in absolutes.

“Always” and “never” are constrictive and will most likely cause your partner to get defensive. For example, “You never listen” or “You’re always late”.

Next time you want to use a statement like this, try to rephrase it. Instead, you could say, “I’m feeling lonely. Could we carve out sometime tonight for us to talk?” Another substitute is to use an “I” statement. Instead of, “You never help out”, try “I feel overwhelmed with the number of things I have to do. I would like some help.”

Communication Exercises

”I Feel ___ When ___”

It can be difficult to express what you really feel, especially if you’re afraid it will hurt your partner in some way. This exercise aims to remove the roadblock that might be keeping you from talking about that thing that’s been bothering you and has been creating distance. Think of an emotion you feel that’s connected to something your partner does.

For example:

• “I feel cared for when you make me breakfast.”
• “I feel disappointed when you are late coming home.”

Interview Your Partner

You may think you know it, all. It might feel like you’ve talked about everything, but there’s always more to discover. Renowned relationship expert, John Gottman stresses the importance of maintaining a friendship with your partner. One way you can do that is to have fun conversations, void of finances, work, and the like. This is also a great way to learn more about each other.

Here are some fun ideas to get you started:

• What are the 3 items you’d bring with you on a deserted island?
• What song can you most relate to?
• What 3 famous people would you like to have coffee with?

Take the Next Step

Communication is the number one issue that couples report. You may have different communication styles. Emotions or past experiences may hinder your ability to communicate. Communication can seem complicated, but it doesn’t have to be.

If you’re struggling with communication, The Couples Center can help. Our couples therapists are trained to help you connect more deeply with your partner and enjoy the feeling of true intimacy. Check out the 8-week Online Relationship Course focused on building better communication.