It’s not an affair, but you still feel betrayed. Although they didn’t cross the line into what’s typically known as cheating territory, they still breached your trust. A boundary was still crossed. You might feel confused about what you’re feeling. You may be questioning whether or not you should even be upset.

What is Micro-Cheating?

Micro cheating is when someone engages in subtle actions that demonstrate an interest in someone outside of their relationship. It essentially means crossing a relationship boundary (either physical or emotional) in some way. Micro-cheating involves behaviors that lead someone to question their partner’s commitment to the relationship.

If you and your partner are in a monogamous relationship, and they kiss someone else, this would fall into the category of cheating. But micro-cheating is not as clear-cut as a physical affair, for example. It’s more subjective. What constitutes micro-cheating depends on what your boundaries are.

Is It Infidelity?

Infidelity is physical or emotional unfaithfulness in a partnership. The definition of Infidelity reaches further than sex with someone outside the relationship. There are many types, some of which don’t even involve another person, like financial infidelity or object infidelity.

Micro-cheating behaviors may seem harmless on the surface but can still be considered a form of infidelity. Examples include flirting with others, texting someone behind your partner’s back, or liking suggestive pictures of someone on social media.

However, the definition of micro-cheating can vary within each relationship. For example, a text message could be seen as a flirty and suggestive breach of trust for one person. That same text message could be seen as completely innocent to another.

Signs of Micro Cheating

Mico cheating can be harder to detect. While each situation is different, some typical signs of micro-cheating include the following:

Flirtatious Behavior

Engaging in playful or suggestive conversations, actions, eye contact, or body language with someone outside the relationship.

Digital Interactions

Sending playful text messages or engaging in social media interactions such as liking or commenting on someone’s posts, especially pictures to show interest.

Compliments

Giving someone compliments or special attention.

Gifts

Giving or receiving gifts with romantic overtones.

Intimacy

Sharing deep feelings, thoughts, desires, struggles, or confessions with someone outside of the relationship.

Physical Contact

Touching, hugging, or engaging in other forms of physical contact that are not considered platonic or appropriate outside of a romantic relationship.

Fantasies

Fantasizing about someone outside of the relationship.

Dating Profiles

Downloading or maintaining active profiles on dating apps, suggesting availability.

More specific examples of micro-cheating include the following:

• Meeting with someone without your partner knowing
• Removing wedding ring to appear available
• Complaining about your partner to the other person
• Saying things like “If I weren’t in a relationship..”
• Maintaining contact with your ex
• Flirtatious joking
• Creating or maintaining a dating profile
• Trying to impress someone you are attracted to
• Telling someone you’re single when you aren’t

It’s important to consider that not all behavior that falls under “micro-cheating” is done intentionally or maliciously. You and your partner may have differing views on what constitutes micro-cheating. This is why communicating boundaries and expectations, as well as having a healthy level of understanding is so important.

Why Micro-Cheating Happens

There are a number of reasons why someone might engage in micro-cheating. For some, it may be a way to seek validation or attention from someone outside of the relationship, particularly if they feel neglected or unappreciated by their partner.

For others, it may be a way to explore their attraction to someone without committing to a physical or emotional affair. In some cases, people may not even realize that their behavior is considered inappropriate or unfaithful. In many cases, they may view their actions as completely harmless or innocent.

Impact of Micro Cheating on Relationships

While micro-cheating may not involve physical intimacy, it can still have a significant impact on a relationship. It can lead to feelings of betrayal, insecurity, and lack of trust between partners. Over time, these small acts of betrayal can erode the foundation of a relationship and lead to bigger issues down the line.

When the offending partner is questioned, they may gaslight their partner by rationalizing their behavior and referring to it as trivial, and shifting the blame on their partner for “over-reacting” or “being crazy”.

Emotional Impact

When trust issues crop up and go unaddressed, they can lead to emotional distance between partners. This emotional distance shows up as a lack of intimacy, decreased communication, and a general disconnection within the relationship. In time, one or both partners may feel lonely and isolated.

Physical Impact

Any breach of trust harms intimacy. If one partner feels betrayed in any way, physical intimacy can suffer. Emotionally distance increases, and with that physical distance. Micro-cheating creates stress in the relationship, which blocks physical intimacy.

Effects on Trust and Intimacy

Micro-cheating behaviors can make a partner feel betrayed, neglected, or disrespected. Even seemingly harmless actions, that happen out in the open like a flirty comment or a slight touch on the arm can lead to a breakdown of trust. Over time, small erosions of trust can impact the emotional connection of the relationship breaking down the connection that was built.

Long-term Consequences

Micro-cheating can be the start of a slow, but destructive erosion of trust. Trust is crucial for a successful relationship. If not properly dealt with, it could end up being the downfall of the relationship.

Defining Infidelity

Generally, infidelity is defined as any type of secret emotional, sexual, or romantic behavior that violates the exclusivity that romantic relationships have by definition. Infidelity is the act of breaking a promise to remain faithful to one’s romantic partner. The promise may have been part of marriage vows, a privately spoken agreement, or an unspoken assumption. The result of this violation of trust commonly results in feelings of anger, jealousy, shame, and isolation.

Different Types of Cheating

Physical Cheating:

The straightforward type of cheating that most people think of is physical infidelity. Examples include kissing, intimate touching, and sex.

Emotional Cheating:

Emotional affairs are when a person feels closer to someone else than they do to their own partner. Emotional affairs are a type of infidelity that is absent of sex. They involve a close, intimate relationship with someone. The person invests a lot of time and energy into the relationship outside their marriage, more than they do with their spouse. Despite there not being a physical component, they can hurt just as much.

Virtual Cheating:

A virtual affair is another form of cheating where there is an intimate relationship but physical sex does not occur. However, a virtual affair is often sexual in nature. Virtual affairs (also referred to as cyber, digital, or internet affairs) involve intimate chat sessions (sexting) and sexually stimulating conversation. Virtual affairs may also include cybersex.

Distinguishing Between Micro Cheating and an Affair

Micro cheating is more subtle and less intimate than emotional or physical cheating, for example. One big difference is that micro-cheating can happen with your partner present, maybe the behavior is happening right in front of them. Microcheating is cheating at a lower level, but it’s not something to shrug off, especially since it can lead to more serious types of infidelity.

With any type of cheating, it’s less about the behavior and more about lies and the keeping of secrets and how those lies and secrets impact your partner.

The fact that micro-cheating is subjective should not be undermined. This can be true for “regular cheating” as well. For example, one person might label watching porn alone as cheating, while another sees it as completely normal.

It matters what a person’s personal beliefs and boundaries are. However, that should go within reason. Smiling at someone probably should not be considered a form of cheating, but rather a normal human behavior.

Dealing with Micro Cheating in Your Relationship

Consider Your Emotional Response

It’s normal to feel angry, sad, and betrayed if you think your partner is micro-cheating. Start by attempting to separate your emotions from the information/behavior of your partner.

Address the Problem with Your Partner Openly and Honestly

Talk to your partner honestly and calmly about how their behavior made you feel. Give them a chance to explain their side, and try to see it from their perspective, if roles were reversed.

It is important for partners to communicate openly about their boundaries and expectations in a relationship to prevent micro-cheating from becoming a problem. Trust and respect are crucial components of a healthy relationship, and it is important to address any behaviors that may be damaging that trust.

Establish Clear Boundaries and Expectations with Your Partner

Boundaries are guidelines for what is acceptable behavior to us as individuals. These behaviors vary based on our personal experiences. This is why listening is crucial when setting boundaries in marriage – one partner’s may be vastly different than the other’s. Having conversations about these differences can be scary if we struggle with asserting our needs or the potential for conflict. In a healthy dynamic, stepping into this fear improves relational health and increases our capacity for self-care.

Work On Your Connection

Micro-cheating doesn’t have to mean the beginning of dire times. It does mean putting in extra work to mend the relationship. Partners will need to take responsibility, regain trust, and strengthen communication. This will lead to forgiveness and an increase in intimacy.

Go To Therapy

Couples therapy is an excellent way to learn the underlying reasons blocking us from healthy boundaries. A trained couples therapist also acts as an outside third party that can help steer sessions in a collaborative direction. The Couples Center offers couples therapy with relationship experts who are invested in teaching the tools needed to align partners.