What is a Sexless Marriage?

Most marriages experience ebbs and flows in their sex life. You might not be happy about sex being on the back burner for a week or two, but that’s not a sexless marriage. While it can be subjective, a sexless marriage is usually defined as one in which the couple has not had sex for a year or more. This is the standard that many experts have agreed on. 

Similarly, many married couples find themselves in what’s considered a “low-sex marriage”. A low-sex marriage is a marriage in which sex occurs no more than 10 times in a year. 

Is a Sexless Marriage Bad?

We must not forget that couples have different levels of comfort. If both partners are fine with the amount of sex they have, then there needn’t be cause for concern. It’s only an issue if at least one of you is unhappy with the level of sexual activity between the two of you. More often than not, a year without sex will affect someone negatively. If a sexless marriage is not what you want, the effects can be damaging. 

Negative effects of a sexless marriage on the individual:

• Loneliness 
• Resentment 
• Guilt
• Frustration

Negative effects of a sexless marriage on the couple: 

• Reduced intimacy
• Reduced romance
• Increased chance of turning to the internet or another person to fulfill sexual needs

Men vs Women

It’s more common for women to become less interested in sex.  But it’s not that women value sex less than men do. Women’s libidos can be more affected by factors such as age, lack of sleep, stress, body image issues, having children, and hormonal imbalances. And naturally, men have a higher sex drive. 

While there are no rules and many variations, women tend to have more of a need for emotional connection before they can have sex. And men more commonly need sex to have the emotional connection. Therefore, heterosexual relationships can be significantly affected when one of those two things is missing.

Common Reasons

1. You’re not connecting

Feeling like you’re not being seen or heard will impact your desire for sex. If you’re not feeling close to your partner on an emotional level, it can be harder to want to get close physically. This is especially true for women. Sharing your day, hopes, dreams, and a good conversation, all these things make you more comfortable sharing yourself physically through sex. Connecting means being vulnerable. 

2. Intimacy is gone

Intimacy can be defined in many ways. Sex often comes to mind, but intimacy can be holding hands, having a meaningful conversation, or sharing an activity together. Intimacy, physical or not, is an important predecessor to sex. Although you can have sex without intimacy, the two things usually go hand in hand. 

3. There’s unresolved resentment or anger

You may have lingering resentment towards your partner from a past fight, or it may be from something they did or did not do. Sometimes it’s resentment held on from infidelity. Whatever the reason, resentment is a significant roadblock to sex. There can also be resentment from the lack of sex itself. If one person is wanting sex but their partner repeatedly turns them down, resentment will build, leading to withdrawal or anger. That is not likely to get you on the path to more sex. 

4. You’ve given up

Some couples simply throw in the towel when it comes to sex. Maybe sex has been the topic of your fights.  Therefore, removing it from the equation might seem like the best solution, but that is rarely the case. Maybe the initiating partner has gotten to the point where they’ve stopped trying. That can mean they’ve stopped trying in other ways too.

5. Mismatched libidos

Some people are ready and willing to have sex at any time, while others are of the “less is more” group. The problem occurs when these two types are married to one another. There’s actually a name for this common obstacle: sexual desire discrepancy (SDD). 

SDD can be equally frustrating for the person wanting more sex and the one wanting less. The person wanting sex ends up feeling rejected and might stop initiating, while the person with less of a desire feels guilty for not giving them what they want. This can create more distance and a cycle that repeats itself. 

6. Mismatched fantasies

It’s very common for partners to have different sexual fantasies or things that turn you on. Sometimes couples give up on these types of desires because they don’t know how to bridge the difference. This can be a positive thing – more variety and opportunity to try new things that satisfy your partner and could open you up to more that you like as well. 

7. Mental health conditions

Mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, and PTSD can naturally lower your sex drive. And if someone is taking medication as treatment, their libido can be additionally affected. Also, experience with sexual trauma can greatly impact sexual desire.  

8. You’re not talking about it

Many couples simply ignore the problem. If you’re not talking about sex you’re less likely to have it. One or both partners may be unsatisfied sexually but instead of telling their partner, they remain silent. Asking for more sex or requesting to try new things in the bedroom can feel awkward, but if you’re not communicating, there won’t be any change. 

9. Children

Parenting is a full-time job. Getting into bed at the end of the day, you might be too exhausted from your kids to consider anything other than sleep. For women, disinterest in sex can start in pregnancy when hormones are greatly affected, and your changing body might make it more difficult. After the baby is born, interrupted sleep is a factor. Women who breastfeed have a lower sex drive and are less likely to experience pleasure from sex. 

10. Boredom

Being in a long-term, committed relationship with the same person, as well as the same kind of sex, can leave you less than excited. Sex might feel too familiar and bland. Some partners are so unfulfilled that they pass on sex altogether, opting for something less boring. 

11. Hormonal changes

Estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone affect sexual desire and the ability to become aroused. People can experience hormonal changes from a number of things including age, stress, medication, menstruation, pregnancy, and menopause. 

12. Unprocessed sexual trauma

If one person in the relationship has unprocessed sexual trauma it can cause them pain during sex or have them avoiding sex altogether. The other person may give up trying. 

13. Loss of momentum

When you don’t have sex for a while because of any of the aforementioned reasons, you can start to feel uncomfortable and awkward when it comes to sex. It can feel like you have to overcome something in order to regain physical affection. And it can even become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Solutions To a Sexless Marriage

If you’re unhappy with the amount of sexual intimacy with your spouse, there are tangible steps you can take right away. 

Talk about it

Ignoring the issue won’t help the situation. Talking about sex can feel uncomfortable. However, marriages with a healthy sexual component are open to discussing sex. Find out what’s holding you back through the tough conversations. You can’t fix the problem if you don’t know the culprit. 

Share activities that increase intimacy

Uninterrupted one-on-one time can allow you to get on the same wavelength. Something romantic like a massage or a candlelight dinner can boost intimacy. Even a deep conversation with emotion and eye contact can be a powerful way to feel more connected to your partner. 

Be physical without sex

Touch is powerful. You can be physical without the sexual component. It can open you up to one another in an emotional way. A massage is one way to have a shared physical experience. Share a sensual kiss. Research has found that affection is an effective way to increase sex. 

Spend time in bed

Reserve time before sleeping to just be together in bed, without doing anything except spending time together. You could cuddle or pillow talk. Drop the expectation for sex and see what happens naturally. 

Schedule it

Penciling in “sex with your spouse” may seem strange, but for some couples it’s effective. Maybe you simply have too much on your plate to fit it in. Therefore, you’ll need to be more intentional and make the time. 

Add some spice

Sometimes all you need is to shake things up and try something new. Explore your fantasies. Include sex toys and try some role play. 

Pleasure without intercourse

You can remove the pressure of sex, while still pleasuring each other. Try outercourse, which is basically any type of sexual activity without the penetration of intercourse.  

Seek outside help

Some people are ashamed to find themselves in a sexless marriage. Asking for help, means admitting that there’s a problem. But you shouldn’t feel ashamed if you’re marriage is sexless. Sexless marriages are not uncommon. In fact, 10-20% of married couples are having very little to no sex at all. A therapist trained in sex counseling can help you uncover the issues holding you back from having a fulfilling sex life with your partner. 

Does a Sexless Marriage Mean Divorce?

How important is sex in a marriage? That’s for each couple to decide. There’s no right amount of sex, there’s only what feels right. 

 The top reasons couples get divorced are finances, communication issues, growing apart, and infidelity. Although “lack of sex” is not one of the reasons cited, it can definitely be a contributing factor. So when should you walk away from a sexless marriage?

A sexless marriage can lead to divorce if the following is true:

• One person is unwilling to work on your issues so that you’re both satisfied sexually. 
• The lack of sex led to infidelity that’s now affecting the relationship  
• You’ve discovered that your sexual needs are misaligned and you’re not willing to compromise 

A sexless marriage signals deeper issues within the relationship. The good news is that most of those can be remedied. Once changes are made, you’ll relationship will be in a happier place and sex can return. Not only that, with a stronger connection the sex can be better than before! 

When to Seek Help

Marriages are more than sex, but happy, thriving relationships include a certain level of intimacy, which often includes sex. If you’ve had the conversation, and discovered your desire for sex is not the same, there’s hope. A couples therapist and/or a sex therapist can help you repair what’s missing. If your partner is unwilling to attend, individual therapy can still benefit your relationship. 

When is it time to meet with a therapist?

• You want change, but nothing’s working
• You don’t understand the underlying causes 
• You’re unsure how to communicate the issues with your partner 
• You don’t know how to increase intimacy 

What can a therapist help with?

• Develop communication skills 
• Uncover and address underlying issues 
• Rekindle passion
• Improve emotional intimacy 
• Reignite sexual intimacy

The bottom line 

Sex can be an important part of a relationship. You get to decide the role it plays in your relationship. What matters, is that you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to sex.