What is Gray Divorce?

“Gray divorce” refers to the divorce of couples over the age of 50 who have been in a long-term marriage. Lately, divorce rates for this demographic have been rising. “Since 1990, the divorce rate of people over 50 has doubled, and researchers predict “gray divorces” will triple by 2030”. This is the “baby boomer” generation. 

Common Causes for Gray Divorce

Reasons for divorce are not usually clear-cut. They’re often a complicated, combination of factors. Despite that, there are some common cultural and social reasons why people a gray divorce might occur. 

Empty Nest Syndrome 

After the children have left the home, the couple has the chance to rediscover why they came together all those years ago and rekindle the passion.. Or not. For some, an “‘empty nest” shines a bright light on the issues in the relationships once masked by the duties of parenting. Some couples simply put off a planned divorce, preferring to raise their children while still together, and then once they’re “old enough” they split. 

Retirement

Similar to empty nest syndrome, retirement removes distractions and allows more time to reflect on the relationship. Some people see this new chapter as an opportunity to do something about their marriage.

Personal Fulfillment and Happiness

People filing for a gray divorce often state that they “want something more, something different”. A lot has changed since the ’60s, ’70s, and ‘80s when the majority of baby boomers got married. A lot of couples were married at a young age. People said “I do” to their first relationship, to the first person they were intimate with. And there wasn’t as much emphasis on marrying for love.  

Some chose to divorce after spending a long time, maybe even decades, unhappy. Maybe they lived with years of conflict or loneliness before finally deciding enough was enough. Some people step into a new life after realizing they don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship.

Falling Out of Love

You’re not the same person you were decades ago. Wants and needs have shifted. Time can cause people to move in different directions. This is one reason why couples lose the love they once had. 

More Autonomy for Women

50, 40, or even 30 years ago, women’s lives looked a lot different than they do today. Back then, a married woman was a “homemaker” meant to care for the family inside of the house. Women were not encouraged to have a higher education or to work outside of the house. They married young and relied heavily on the man as their financial lifeline. Women’s sexuality was not meant to be explored. 

Now, women over 50 are more likely than men to initiate a gray divorce. It seems women are less willing to tolerate a mediocre relationship. These women see that they have more options than they did before. 

Life Expectancy and Better Health

People are simply living longer and deciding it’s not too late to end a marriage that’s not contributing to their happiness. We know now that healthy aging is directly connected to healthy relationships.  

Infidelity and Addiction 

Baby boomers have a reputation for being more independent, focusing more on their own individual needs. Infidelity or addiction can be a result of that. 

Any of these factors could be a reason to reimagine and revise your relationship. People change over the years. Your relationship might just need some altering too. Therapy can help you sort it out. A trained therapist can help you communicate your needs and wants that may be different now. 

Gray Divorce – Considerations

Divorces later on in life come with a different set of implications. If you are on the path to divorce, you’ll want to consider the following:

Finances

Divorce later in life can have big implications on finances. The division of finances and assets become more complicated when having to consider things like retirement benefits, life insurance policies, and Social Security benefits. In some cases, one spouse had been relying on the other financially. Many female baby boomers stayed home to raise their children, so divorce can find them in a tough place financially. 

Children

Older, adult children can be just as affected by the divorce of their parents, even if they’re grown up and moved out. Gray divorces can be more of a shock to the children who were accustomed to a single family unit for so long. 

Grandparent rights

Although visitation and custody issues with their own children are not usually factored in, it could be an issue for some gray divorces. 

Caregiving 

Older spouses are in greater need of medical care. Transitioning to living alone may require hiring someone to assist with care. 

When to Consider Therapy for Gray Divorce

Before throwing in the towel, determine whether the relationship is worth saving. Divorce should always be the last avenue after other options have been exhausted. And if you’ve been together for decades, it’s especially important that the decision is not made rashly. There’s a lot to lose. You’ve built a life together.  It’s easy to only see the negatives if things haven’t been going well. If you find yourself grappling with this decision, you’ll want to be thorough when exploring the idea. Together with your partner, answer the following questions: 

• How did you get to this place in your marriage?

• Do you still feel love for your partner?

• How long have you felt this way?

• What are some changes that you could make?

• What are some changes your partner could make?

• Are you willing to put in the work? 

If you or your spouse is considering a gray divorce, couples therapy can help provide clarity. The Couples Center can offer individualized support with a trained therapist who works with you to navigate issues and find the best path forward. 

If you and your spouse have decided to divorce, you’re probably feeling a lot of complex emotions. Many people experience grief and some struggle with their identity. Individual therapy can help you process such a big change and make your next chapter a happy one.