Signs a Relationship Might be Over

While the following signs are not necessarily proof that it’s over, they can clue you into some serious issues.

1. Lack of intimacy

Not having “enough” sex doesn’t mean you’re relationship is over. The real problem is when you’ve had an honest conversation about it, but still, nothing’s changed. Intimacy issues are deeper than sex. It’s about fulfilling needs. How did they react when you brought your concerns to them? If they were defensive or reacted with anger, they might be suffering from more serious intimacy issues. Are they willing to see a therapist? If they were dismissive it can mean they’re undervaluing your needs, and there’s a good chance you won’t see a change. And if you’re the one not interested in being physical with your partner, you’ll need to figure out if it’s them that you’re disinterested in, or something personal or external in your life.  

2. Feeling apathetic 

When it comes to your partner, has excitement, passion, and concern turned into indifference? It’s normal for that butterfly feeling to fade over time, but apathy is something else. Apathy is when you simply don’t care. It’s when your feelings are suppressed. Even negative emotions like anger are gone and replaced by what’s best described as nothing. Have you stopped fighting because it doesn’t seem worth the effort? Do you ask your partner questions about their day, how they feel, etc? Are you interested in what’s going on in their life?  

3. No trust

Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. To trust your partner is to feel safe with them. It means you are comfortable enough to be vulnerable and to be your authentic self. Without trust, most everything in your relationship lacks meaning.   A lack of trust can lead to resentment and suspicion. And it can have you losing hope about the future together. 

4. Thinking about other people

Fantasizing about someone else every once in a while is harmless, as long as it’s not acted upon. Constantly thinking about being with someone else is a sign something’s wrong. Determine the seriousness by analyzing these fantasies further. Do you fantasize just about sex with someone else? Do you picture a full relationship with another person? Is there a face and name to the person? Is it someone you know? When you fantasize do you feel guilty? Do you ever think about how you could make it a reality?  

5. No emotional connection 

It isn’t easy to open up and be vulnerable with another person, but it is a requirement for a successful relationship. Emotional connection is what allows us to feel closely connected and to feel seen and understood. An emotional connection also gives us a sense of security. Do you share your feelings with your partner? Are you worried you will be judged when you do open up? Does your conversation go beyond the surface? Are you comfortable talking about hard topics? 

6. Constant fighting 

All couples have arguments. In fact, an occasional fight is healthy. It shows you both care. And the resolution can actually strengthen your bond. But fights that drag on, fights that go in circles and include hurtful insults and disrespect are a red flag. Do the arguments lead to better solutions? Do you feel like there’s a resolution or is it left unresolved? Do you feel any empathy when you fight? Do you want to understand their side? 

7. Avoidance 

Physical avoidance is choosing to be away from your partner. Maybe you’re spending your time in separate rooms or prolonging your arrival home after work. And then there’s avoidance of the issues in the relationship. Maybe you’re intentionally dodging discussions so that you don’t have to have hard conversations. Are you prioritizing other people and other things over your partner? Would you rather spend time with friends or family than with your partner? Would you rather spend time alone than with your partner? Have you stopped fighting?

8. Your goals don’t line up

Mismatched goals can be devastating. You can care about each other deeply, but if you want different things out of life, it’s difficult to move forward. It’s important to identify which things are non-negotiable. Some things have room for compromise. Non-negotiables are things like children or religion. If you’re not on the same page here, it might be time for a whole different book altogether. 

9. You’re not supporting each other 

Whether it’s a win like a promotion at work or just an overall “bad day”, your partner should be who you turn to. Not celebrating together in good times and not picking each other up in bad, is a sign of disconnection. If it’s good news or bad, are you going to your partner for support? If so, are they encouraging? If you’re not going to your partner for support, why not?

10. You don’t respect each other 

Mutual respect is being thoughtful and courteous towards your partner. You consider their thoughts and opinions. And you include them in your decisions. Disrespect would be the absence of the aforementioned but it also includes negative behaviors. This could be talking to each other in a demeaning way, insulting, avoiding, intentionally not including them, and hurtful sarcasm.   

11. You’re constantly separating 

When your relationship is rocky, some couples find that separating is a good solution. While it can be helpful to gain clarity, a regular occurrence is concerning. This is especially true if you’re breaking up only to feel that temporary joy that comes from reuniting. Are you deciding that you need time apart, on a regular basis? Do you agree to “take time apart” or “go on a break” for periods of time? 

Next Steps

Is the relationship salvageable? 

It takes two to tango, right? So the big question is whether you both want to save the relationship. Are you willing to fight for the relationship? If so, you’ll need to find out if your partner is also on board. If you’re stuck and asking, “how do I know my relationship is over?”, try answering the following with your partner: 

• Are you willing to work to save our relationship?
• If the answer is yes, ask the following:
• How did we get to this place in our relationship?
• What can we both do differently?
• How is our communication? Do we communicate enough? Are we really hearing and understanding each other?
• What are some things we can change starting right now?
• Are you open to couples counseling?

No relationship is without ups and downs, a strong bond can survive any storm. If you’re both serious about doing the hard work, you can end up on the other side with your relationship in much better shape.  Contact one of our experienced couples therapists to help guide you in the right direction. Unsure you want to stay together? Couples therapy or a couples workshop can have great effects.