Many of us see happy couples and wonder how we can bring what they have to our relationships. We may feel that something is missing in our own connections or be disheartened by ruptures that have occurred.
The good news is that we can learn and implement the secrets of happy couples. Working toward stronger bonds and making repairs shows us that we too are deserving of satisfying partnerships. Below are four secrets to reflect on and take into account during this process.
Our partnerships go through natural cycles as they progress. In the beginning, often called the honeymoon phase, it can seem like the people we are with have no flaws. We feel the excitement of new romance and have a difficult time imagining conflict with those who seem so perfect for us.
However, as time goes on, we recognize that no one is flawless. The things we overlooked while we were in the throes of the honeymoon phase become points of contention. This is known as the power struggle phase. During this phase we often find ourselves trying to fix or change our partners in order to soothe challenging emotions.
It is important to take a step back in these moments. The ways we try to change someone else are ways we can grow in practicing acceptance. Displaying rejection toward another’s qualities threatens connection and decreases intimacy. Instead, we must learn how to take interest in why the other person behaves the way they do and why we find that behavior bothersome.
Healthy, happy couples continuously practice acceptance toward one another. Seeing and understanding someone exactly as they are builds security and deepens relationships. Acceptance increases our ability to create lasting bonds and move through life’s difficulties on the same team.
Long term relationships may begin to feel like a given. Once we have built trust and experiences together, the other person being around is something we come to expect. This is one of the beautiful components of having achieved stability. However, making intentional time for one another can also start to fall by the wayside.
Planning intentional time regardless of the length of the relationship is a secret of happy couples. They prioritize making space for one another amongst their busy schedules and independent needs. They recognize that they do not know everything about one another and are in a perpetual state of learning. Opportunities to be fully present are cherished rather than viewed as mundane occurrences.
It is important to remember that the quality of intentional time outweighs the quantity. Increasing the amount of time together alone will not bring us what happy couples have. Research shows that establishing ways for time together to be mutually rewarding is what decreases relational distress. Seeking couples therapy to talk through barriers to quality time can benefit couples with high levels of relational distress. The couples workshop at The Couples Center is one way of engaging in couples therapy and spending important time focusing on our partnerships.
For couples who are ready to expand rewarding, quality time together right away, regular date nights are a place to start. These involve putting away the distractions and committing to an evening of being in the here and now. Whether it’s a trip to a new restaurant or a candlelit night in, showing up and making an effort reminds happy couples why they first fell in love.
It is common to project our past experiences and core wounds onto those closest to us. This is particularly true in our romantic partnerships, where intimacy is the deepest. Our early attachments give us an internal working model of how others will or will not show up for us in relationships. Challenging patterns can be created when our models come together with the models of our partners.
Happy couples devote energy to identifying and working through these challenging patterns. Seeking a trained couples therapist, such as the ones offered by The Couples Center, can be helpful in this process. A third party will be able to provide an outside perspective on the difficult cycles that create disconnection in our relationships. More helpful skills, tools, and resources are built in couples therapy.
One model that can benefit us when we are looking to shift patterns is imago therapy. Imago therapy is centered around the idea that beliefs and feelings developed in childhood continue to show up in present day relationships. We seek someone who matches these beliefs and feelings in order to recreate and resolve these experiences.
An imago therapist collaborates with couples on several key components for working through patterns. Empathy for one another is increased, effective communication skills are taught, and self-awareness is emphasized. These points create a foundation for the desire to move through longstanding issues that happy couples have.
While stability and consistency are important to happy couples, they also actively pursue novelty. Humans have a need for both routine and excitement. Research shows that novelty improves relationship quality and mitigates perceived boredom. Stretching our comfort zones can have a profound impact on cultivating love that lasts.
Creating novelty can occur on any scale. It may occasionally be fun to book a longer trip to an exotic location. Our budgets and schedules often do not permit this, and a grand gesture is not required to have a novel experience. Playing a new board game, trying out a restaurant that just opened, or switching up daily tasks are smaller ways to keep our relationships interesting.
Happy couples additionally carry an open and positive mindset around novelty. They are aware that they have not done everything in their relationships. Seeking out newness is seen as a pleasurable task rather than an arduous one. There is a sense of play throughout the entire process of thinking up ideas, planning activities, and being adventurous with one another. Through new experiences there is growth and change – we learn more about each other and about ourselves.
The internet is an excellent resource when we are stuck on what to try next with our partners. Hundreds of novelty seekers write blogs and share ideas. Websites featuring professionals may give tips that are grounded in both personal experience and scientific research. For example, psychotherapist Megan Williams explores the changes in energy, connection, and communication that can come from taking a dance class.
Keep in mind that each of our needs in relationships are unique. The above tips can be adjusted to better fit our individual lives and partnerships. Also remember that implementing the secrets of happy couples is a process. We are likely to experience a range of emotions, challenges, and rewards on our paths to healthy dynamics. Working with a supportive couples therapist who is able to humanize what we are going through is an asset to our growth.
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