If you and your partner have different attachment styles, it may seem like you’re on different pages, unable to understand one another. Communication issues are common when attachment styles don’t match. This can make it difficult to develop intimacy, leaving you feeling frustrated.
Find out what it means to have an avoidant attachment style and learn what you can do to have a stronger relationship!
People with an avoidant attachment style tend to be very independent and uncomfortable with intimacy and all that it entails. Partners with an avoidant attachment style often make their significant other feel unloved, unheard, unseen, or unimportant. Know that people with this style treasure freedom and are typically emotionally distanced. They need space, understanding, and recognition in adult relationships.
You may find yourself asking some couples therapy questions when you don’t speak your partner’s attachment language:
The truth is, I used to have an avoidant attachment style. Liron and I worked through it, meaning it’s possible to evolve not just as an individual but as a couple.
Some of these tips may seem counterintuitive, but they work. They can help you and your significant other become the couple you want to be in spite of communication mishaps.
Lovers with an avoidant attachment style are driven by a major desire in romantic relationships: to feel valued, to feel that whatever they bring to the relationship makes a difference.
Fulfill this desire by recognizing the contributions your partner makes to the relationship and praising them generously.
These partners, by nurture, crave space where they can be themselves on their own time, and on their own terms. On the outside, it may seem like they want to escape. You worry that if you give them too much space, they won’t come back.
This is not the case. Your partner just needs time and space alone. Whether that’s reading or hanging out with their friends, the point is to fulfill that independence they seek.
Express how much you love it when they tend to their hobbies outside of your relationship. By signaling support to your partner, you show them you are trying to understand what they need. In turn, they will feel loved and they will reciprocate that love.
Your partner’s need for distance manifests as irregular displays of affection. If you value physical touch, this can be frustrating.
Try to understand why your partner acts this way. Be it looking at their phone or their surroundings, people with an avoidant style tend to look away more. This trait can make them seem uninterested.
In reality, your partner does this when they need space or the intimacy is too much. Once you understand how their minds work—how too much at once can make them feel stifled—you can adjust your approach.
Body language is more powerful than words, especially between couples.
Your partner may not tell you, “I want to cuddle with you” every time they want affection, so your job is to study their body language. This is one way to solve non-verbal communication issues in a relationship like this.
Those with an avoidant attachment style want to feel valued. Criticism is on the list of, “How to hurt an avoidant style partner”. For example, one recurring fight you have could be about your partner always working too late.
This constant critique makes them feel unappreciated, not good enough. What can you do? Find one single, good thing they do that you appreciate. Even if they perform this act 1 out of 100 times, make sure to bring it up.
Say “Hey, I really appreciate when you do X.” They’ll know to do X more often, which improves your dynamic. Instead of focusing on the bad, you’re highlighting what’s making your partnership grow.
Avoidant style personalities are more sensitive to anger. When your tone or volume increases, they shut down. They become unable to respond, and that’s not because they don’t want to solve the problem.
Their bodies undergo a biological reaction that makes them revert to avoidant mode. In response, you get more animated and angry, creating a negative conflict pattern.
Some changes you can implement are to speak more slowly and simply in a level-headed tone of voice.
The best relationship books will tell you that when you approach conflicts with a deeper understanding of how your partner’s mind and body operate, you can work towards resolutions instead of getting stuck in a fighting pattern.
Understand that partners with an avoidant style find it difficult to just share feelings. Practical resolutions should include one actionable item.
Tell them exactly what you want and how they can meet that request.
Once they do, show appreciation. Balancing communication styles can solve problems in the future, and they’ll be more likely to do that positive thing again.
You may not be able to change how your partner’s mind-body connection works, but you can change how you react to their behavior.
You may have noticed that your partner doesn’t believe in classic romantic gestures. They may not give you cards, surprise you with gifts, or shower you with tender words.
Instead, avoidant style partners show love through actions. Your conflict source—like them working too late—may be their way of expressing love. They might work overtime to support the family financially, for instance.
Find ways they’re showing affection, and verbally acknowledge those gestures. They might do them more because now they feel seen and valued. This creates a positive loop that reinforces itself.
If you’re ready to take the next step to address avoidant tendencies in your relationship, check out our Breakthrough to Love workshop.
After the 2.5-day (online) workshop, you’ll walk away with communication tools, a better understanding of your partner’s personality and attachment style, and awareness of what drives repetitive conflicts in your relationship plus ways to solve them.
We’ll work together so you can have a healthier, stronger, and more playful marriage or relationship.
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