The 5 Love Languages
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All 5 Love Languages communicate the exact same thing: “I love you. I care about you. You matter to me.”
Turns out there are more languages than English, Spanish, Mandarin, etc. There are also The Love Languages, five very different ways to communicate your love to your partner (or child, or friend, etc). No one language is better than the other. But there is one language that is much stronger for each person. Understanding what the 5 love languages are and the role they play in your relationship can get you and your partner to a place of deeper connection.
What are the 5 love languages?
The 5 Love Languages are the following:
- Physical touch
- Quality time
- Words of affirmation
- Acts of service
- Gifts
Let’s look at an example of each Love Language:
- Sarah reaches out to hold her partner’s hand as they eat dinner (physical touch)
- Greg stops off to get flowers for his partner on the way home (gifts)
- Abby clears her busy schedule to spend a whole weekend with her partner (quality time)
- Monika turns to her partner to say, “I’m so lucky to be with you!” (words of affirmation)
- Every day, Jonathon wakes up early to make his partner breakfast (acts of service)
Incredibly, all 5 Love Languages communicate the exact same thing: “I love you. I care about you. You matter to me.” We have so many different ways to express our love. Various forms of love are surely wonderful. But what happens when you speak a language that your partner can’t understand?
My Love Language is Not Your Love Language
One of the most common ways that partners feel disconnected is when each person has a different love language.
Maybe you need lots of quality time as a couple, but your partner prefers to spend less time together. Maybe your partner feels most loved and appreciated when you pick up after yourself but you are naturally messy and prefer showing love with affection. It’s easy to feel stuck. It might feel like something is missing when your love languages are not the same. And some partners start to feel like their differences are too great.
If you’re not getting along with your partner or it seems as though that spark has faded, it could be that you’re just speaking different languages (of love).
Imagine that you crave words of affirmation from your partner. However, your partner tends to give love through acts of service. In the morning he takes the time to make you a cup of coffee and will even make the bed before leaving. While you notice the kindness, that’s not what speaks to your heart. For you, hearing “I love you” before you leave for the day lights you up in a way that receiving a well-made cup of coffee from them just can’t do.
In this example, you’re likely to feel unsatisfied, disappointed, and probably even guilty about feeling that way. But no one has done anything wrong—you’re just speaking different languages. Fortunately, it’s possible to become bi-lingual and fluent in a different language! Don’t worry if you don’t share the same love language.
How to Use the Love Languages
1. Determine your primary Love Languages with this quiz.
It may surprise you to discover that physical touch is more important to you than gifts, for instance. Or you may find that you do more acts of service for your partner when you thought that quality time was your primary love language.
2. Talk about it!
Ask your partner how they tend to feel most loved. Have them provide examples of times when they have (and haven’t) received love from you. If you’re in couples counseling, this could be a good framework for you to discuss issues with your partner.
3. Third, celebrate!
Diversity is the spice of life. It’s normal to speak different love languages than your partner. That’s part of what makes an interesting relationship.
Go Beyond The 5 Love Languages
Your love language is a way to tell your partner what action you need in order to feel loved, but it doesn’t explain to your partner (or yourself!) why you need to feel a certain way in the relationship. Where does that need come from? Self-reflection is important. The reason why you resonate with a specific love language can open up doors. If you want to dive deeper into the why, take our Core Relationship Desire Quiz.
Talk about it
Discover what feeling(s) you are seeking and let your partner know! Explain to your partner the ways you feel deeply loved, valued, and appreciated. Ask your partner what makes them feel most loved. No need to play a guessing game or make assumptions.
Practice self-love
Don’t forget to love yourself! Once you know what you need, you’ll be able to love yourself better as well. Tell yourself what you need to hear (words of affirmation). Treat yourself to something nice (gifts). Eat healthily and take care of your body (acts of service).
Do you need help deciphering your partner’s love language? Do you know it, but want to learn how to optimize that information? Or maybe you just want to dig deeper to find that strong connection just waiting to be found.
We have counselors in Berkeley, San Francisco, Walnut Creek, Palo Alto, and online who can assist you! Our counselors can offer you the tools and support you need. We also offer sliding scale options for people with financial needs. Don’t let any love go to waste!
Founder of The Couples Center, Gal has a warm and practical approach that recognizes and honors the best in every person. Gal’s relationship with his wife is the source of inspiration for his commitment to helping couples create thriving relationships. Going through their relationship struggles made him realize how a committed relationship is the most important vehicle for one’s personal growth. Gal has a lifelong dedication to learning and growth and is trained in many different.
